*TRIGGER WARNING* want to self harm badly

Rilic · 21-09-2017, 10:22 AM

*trigger, specific talk*

I've been doing really well for a while, but the urges to self harm have been growing stronger, and I know from the last few years of experience, the longer I leave, the more severe it is when I eventually do it again.
But earlier I got sudden, really strong urges to cut. Was watching stuff, trying to distract myself, but it got worse.
I got a message from my friend, who I'm supposed to see later today, threw my blade across the room and went out for a long walk.

I got back a little while ago, urges have gone down, but that thought is still there.
It didn't bother me before, but now I'm a little scared. It's my first real strong urge in about two months. The time before, they were wanting me to see a plastics surgeon, and tried to have me sectioned when I refused to be seen or treated. Just, the longer I leave it, the worse it'll be. I'm probably lucky I've not had infections.

Sketchy · 21-09-2017, 08:59 PM

Do you have any support in place? It sounds like reaching out for help would be a good idea. I'm sorry you are having these distressing thoughts and I hope you get the help you need. Keep talking here and perhaps we can help.

Rilic · 22-09-2017, 04:16 PM

I had a huge anxiety attack, and ended up going to cmht to see if my cpn was there. He saw me and realised the state I was in, I told him about my thoughts and my panic attacks, and he made calls around to get a psychiatrist appointment.... which he was supposed to have done months ago, and he just never did it.
I was panicking and couldn't breathe, and then couldn't stop crying because it's been over a year and I still haven't heard anything about any therapy that he said he'd referred me to, and it's been five months since I told him I needed anti-anxiety medication, at the very least. It's been 3-4 months since he said he's sort out an appointment, but all this time, he hasn't done that.

Just, f**king hell. I would have felt a s**t ton better about being given an appointment for the 26th if I wasn't in the same room as him when he made a call saying "I f**ked up, I meant to make an appointment, have you got anything available"

Sketchy · 22-09-2017, 04:33 PM

I'm sorry you have been left waiting like that. That's not fair the way it was handled. Now that you have the appointment how do you feel? I hope it goes well for you and you get the help you need.

Rilic · 23-09-2017, 05:59 AM

There's an event in Germany, Spiel Essen, and I've been so excited for it, and so terrified my anxiety will make it a horrible experience. That, and that I'm not getting the place in a mental health residential clinic, and that I'm not getting a more permanent place under the service I'm currently under, and that my best friend is moving away and I'll be alone, and since I've pretty much given up finding help in my city, I'm planning to follow her with no idea what I'm gonna do, where I'll live, how I'll react in a whole new environment... It's feeling like too much.
But I just want to get through next month and enjoy my time with other gamers.

Sketchy · 25-09-2017, 09:13 PM

That sounds really stressful. Is there someone you can speak to before you make any decisions as to move or what to do?