Refusing meds

[not_so_insig]

I am due my depot on Wednesday. I really don't want it as it's poisoning me. I know that I won't get ill as I am pretending to have schizophrenia. Trouble is that nobody believes that I am pretending as I am a bloody good actress. How can I get them not to give me any meds?

[shrimpy]

Stop pretending?

[cough cough]

I'm on a depot and a CTO as well so am forced to have it or I am recalled. I have been saying for years that I faked Schizoaffective Disorder and there isn't really anything wrong with me. My Psychiatrist has said it's impossible for me to fake Schizoaffective Disorder especially since I have been sectioned 11 times and seen 5 different Psychiatrist and in all those admissions they have never thought I was malingering. My Supporting Living Manger and Community Nurse don't think i'm faking it either.

I think because I've done and thought some stupid thing when I've been psychotic it's hard for me to rationalise and cope with that. I think to myself I must be faking it or try and downplay what I've done. I think it's a self-preservation thing.

[Sketchy]

I don't believe you are faking. There have been times you have been genuinely distressed by symptoms and been ill. Do you think maybe you feel you are faking because things are a bit better now?

[shrimpy]

if you stop pretending; what would be different?

[shrimpy]

perhaps I should clarify my meaning;

If you are "pretending", what CAN you change, and what changes do you think other people would notice? If you find that you still are displaying symptoms, I think it would be fair to say you weren't faking.

What makes you think that you are faking, and would "acting normal" be really natural for you, or would it indeed be an act?

Just a few things to ponder, as it sounds like you're a bit unsure where you are with your illness. Also, if you ARE faking any symptoms, I think that would probably be worthy of its own diagnosis and require treatment anyway.

[not_so_insig]

Idk. I have been under a cmht since 2004. I have been under 3 different psychiatrists in the community and seen countless professionals both IP and the community.

I guess that because I feel so well that I don't believe that I am ill. I haven't SIed for over 6 years, am no longer abusing alcohol. I was depressed that I know was real. That I was definitely not faking. Yet when I refuse my meds the nurses say that I will get ill and threaten assessment under the mha.

I guess that if I am faking it then I will not fall ill. I am sick to death of pretending. I only did it because I was unhappy and I didn't want to go to work. I feel the meds aren't dealing with psychosis but am stabilising my mood which is why I am not engaging in distructive behaviour.

Yet the professionals have years of training and have seen many more mentally ill people than me. I am confused why they haven't seen through my lies.

[tiptoes]

I seem to recall that you have had these thoughts before and I was wondering whether anything helped before.

From what I see here it seems to me that you are well at the moment because your meds are helping and you are working hard on staying stable.

Please don't refuse your meds tomorrow, if you think coming off your meds is something you want to consider talk it through with your team. Discuss the practicalities and safety nets etc.

I can't help but notice that the things you list are reasons you are not ill are how you can react to MH rather than MH itself, I think they are fantastic achievements but they don't necessarily mean you are struggling with MH conditions. I haven't self harmed for many years but I still struggle with my MH.

[not_so_insig]

Thanks tiptoes. Nobody from the cmht turned up so I guess that they had forgotten. I have phoned the cmht but my nurse wasn't in so I left a message for her to call me back.

I have no psychiatrist atm as my usual one is on a sabbatical and there isn't one covering my area. In an ideal world I would like to try a lower dose of my antipsychotic and if I start showing signs of genuinely not coping then obviously I have some sort of mh problem. If I am pretending then I will do just as well as I am doing now.

[Entropy]

Well done for calling them when they didn't show up, what you have said about lowering your dose gradually seems really sensible because if things deteriorate then you can rethink. I hope your nurse calls back soon!

[not_so_insig]

She called back and came on Thursday. However she brought the wrong dose of my depot so she is coming back Monday. However she told me that I am having a new nurse which I am not happy about. I am worried that I will have the nurse that I complained about or a male nurse (due to sa in the past it would be very damaging to my long term care if I had a male nurse). Or someone who I don't get on with. Anyway I am going to see what's happening with my care before tackling the subject of a lower dose.

[Entropy]

That sounds like a good plan so you don't change everything at once. Is your care team aware of your request for a female nurse?

[not_so_insig]

She specifically asked if I wanted a female nurse and I said that I didn't want a male nurse. I feel threatened and vulnerable when male workmen come to the flat and that's a rare occasion and not for very long. I can't have a male nurse because of that and I know that I won't let a male nurse in.

When I complained about the nurse that basically belittled me I wrote a letter. In it I specifically said that I wanted my cpn back (she went off sick a year ago) when she was seeing patients so they have record of my wishes. It's also written in my ctp that I specifically want her to give my depot when I am IP.