Hi... been such a long time I don't know if anyone here would even remember me!
I just need some... I don't know... advice, reassurance, something.
This is something that's been going on a long time for me... but it went away for a while and I got used to living without it.
Basically, I have the constant feeling that I am being watched. At all times. I try to avoid the feeling by listening to music, but this makes it worse, as I feel as though whoever is watching can hear the music as though through my ears, and then interpret the lyrics or whatever to get an insight into my thoughts.then, because I don't want my thoughts to be read, I start thinking things I don't want to, the things I least want anyone to know. Sometimes it's specific people, sometimes not.
I do realise this is irrational, but it is also constant and persuasive. I don't know. Just wanted some thoughts I guess.
I remember you. I can relate to what you are saying, so I truly do sympathise.
When I have these thoughts the only thing that helps are distractions or talking it through with someone, just for reassurance. Do you have someone you can talk to about this? Are you getting any help?
I've been (back) in therapy for a few months but OK really struggling to open up about certain things. It's ridiculous but I'm scared of sounding unwell.
It's understandable to struggle with opening up at first, but hopefully you will trust your therapist and be able to talk. Could you write down what you have said here and show it to your therapist if you struggle to open up?
It will be scary telling them, but I doubt it will get worse. It might feel like a weight has lifted when you tell someone. Or perhaps they can reassure you or help you come up with coping mechanisms.
Is there anything that you think may help? Are distractions any use?
I agree that writing things down and then showing it to your therapist could be a good idea. That way you are controlling what you want to share. Remember that you don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to talk about, but think about what would be helpful to discuss even if it might be upsetting.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think i know the feeling of being intimidated by the prospect of opening up. But realistically, even if you somehow managed to spill everything in a couple of hours, the worst thing that would probably happen would be for you to be quite tired and the other personpossibly a bit tired as well. It is hard to open up, even to a therapist, because you feel quite exposed and vulnerable by showing someone all your crazies. I still often feel like that and i have been in the system for almost 20 years. What i have found helpful is trying to think that yes, these people know all my secrets and they have seen me broken and humiliated by my illness and even so they have never once used it against me in any way. And why would they???? They decided to work in this field out of a desire to help people like me. Sometimes people become disillusioned and it can manifest in an almost bitter approach to vulnerable people but they rarely ever last long if they reach that point.
My point is, the scarier something feels, the more important is usually is to face it. And talking is HARD. Because it also forces you to acknowlegde your hardships and your fears. And you have to trust the other person not to use any of it against you. But if you can find that trust (and i promise you it's inside you somewhere) then you are well on your way to a better and more fulfilling life.
Someone once said to me that no human is an island. We all need other people. Also people we can confide in. And sometimes they come in all different roles throughout our lives. Do you find it hard to be open with friends as well???? Maybe a therapist is a good starter and you can practise it with him/her in a safe space. Once a trust is established it gets easier to build upon it outside of therapy too.
One_step - thanks. I think you're right- writing is a good idea. I've always been more comfortable on paper. I'll think a little about what to say.
Zurg- so good to "see" you! Thanks for your response. I think part of me is struggling to talk because even if what I say is never used against me, people can't help but react to things, so someone might see me differently, even if they don't express that .
Atm I'm feeling really, really ashamed that I'm not doing better than I am and the thought of someone seeing how I feel is sickening and painful
I find it hard to speak with most friends about this stuff too
The thing is that you can never decide how people react to anything that you tell them or show them. And when you choose not to say certain things then they will of course have a different picture in their minds when they adress you. But we're all human and we all have flaws and we all have things we struggle with and things that are eating us up on the inside. My point is, that if no one spoke about these things we'd all feel pretty alone and alienated from each other.
In this day and age it seems so much more important to always put on a happy face and always be the best version of yourself and blah, blah, blah. But we can't be happy and perfect and well adjusted all the time and when we're not, we still need to talk about it. And that is ok too. I doubt the people in your life would expect of you to always know what to do, the right things to say or just to be on top of every little thing.
Not knowing what others think can be challenging but it is also a privilegde. In the sense that we are each free to think what we like without anyone being able to control or censor that. You may feel ashamed that you have not progressed as far and as fast as you'd like but i am quite confident that very few people in your life would agree with that observation. You have nothing to be ashamed of!!!!! I am an old fart and i believe i am in for a fight until the day i am no longer here. It is hard being different. But even normal people are quite insane from time to time too.
When you set the barr to high, you'll always feel like you're falling short. Being you, just the way you are, is totally okay. Even if it means fighting off the demons only you can see. Aceppting yourself is one of the hardest things we have to face in this life. Only a few will truly master it. But even so, you have a place in this world that only you can fill. And you're doing the best you can. That's really all anyone could ask of you.
Zurg has been so eloquent there doesn't seem to be anything to add.
I don't really have the mental capacity to add anything anyway, but I hope you start to feel better soon. It's horrible having intrusive thoughts.
xx
"Watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
If you told someone, what would be the worst thing that could happen???? And will that thing be the most likely to happen???? If not, what could the alternative outcome of telling someone be????
Also, thoughts can lead to great distress but thye can't manifest in front of you and hurt you. And don't believe everything you think!!!!!
Thoughts can make us feel certain things which prompts us to act. But the choice to act is always ours. Try to remember that you are in control. I know it is hard. It's ****ing hard, actually. But you don't have to follow the lead of these thoughts.
I went to the doctor. Been put back on a v.low dose of a medication I stopped back in January. I feel flat and rubbish. I'm still being watched. Through my own eyes. That's what upsets me. They can see me through my own actual eyes. From where I'm standing, I look terrible
Zurg, I'm trying to take your advice. Spoke to my partner, some to my therapist. They're clearly worried, but it has helped, you guys were right.
