I just need to vent. I feel so alone. Even when I try and talk to people I feel so disconnected from them. It doesn't matter who it is. I tried to tell my husband how I am feeling. He seemed uninterested. I am losing hope. I feel like I am living on moments to keep me going. My grandmother passed away in March and ever since then it has ****ed up my whole sense of living. She was told 2 years ago she had 6mos to a year. It wasn't until December 2016 that it got bad. (COPD 4th stage) New Years she was told she had three days to a week. My family put her in a nursing home because that week turned into 2 weeks and they couldn't lift her anymore to help her use the bathroom. It haunts me. Watching the whole dying process, reading the mini booklet talking about the stages of death, watching her go from carrying a conversation to barely speaking the words "Help". Feeling so helpless watching her wither away before my eyes. I visited her every other day for 2 months before she passed. The day she passed I was so depressed when i woke up, it took everything in me to get up and get myself going. I procrastinated all day, I kept telling myself I can go tomorrow only to turn around and say after lunch/after my husband gets home/after dinner. As I was finishing dinner i got the phone call from my mother that she had passed. I couldn't breathe.
At her funeral I tried to hide from everyone. All I felt was hate and sadness. I looked at all those people who were family and thought "why the **** are you here?? Where were you her whole life?" I've seriously only seen some of them twice my whole life or not even at all. After the preacher did his stupid sermon which pissed me off too, It was time to say the final goodbyes. I waited until everyone was done. By the time I went up to her it was all of us "true" family that stayed by her side taking care of her (my mom, my aunt, my sister and my cousin). I was frozen, hugging her, crying, caressing her hands, staring at her and how much she looked like the grandma that raised me my whole life. She didn't look like she did a week ago all fragile. I couldn't move from her. I didn't want to move from her. I couldn't walk away. The funeral home was waiting on me to move. I couldn't. I honestly don't know how i got out of there.
Ever since that day I don't feel the same. I have always struggled with depression, anxiety, self-harm, obsessive thinking. I had it all under control, I quit therapy because I was doing great. I was actually happy. I never knew that feeling existed for me. Now I feel as if I'm my 15 year old self again. Angry, sad, helpless, hopeless, alone. I'm going to be 30. Yesterday I cut myself for the first time in 6 years. And today again. I cry everyday.
I've held myself together well for 6 years. In those 6 years the first 3 were amazing and so full of happiness. The last 3 have been torture, struggle and bad luck after bad luck. All I can think is it took its toll on me finally. I've always feared happiness bc everytime i think I am happy something bad happens and I'm stuck digging myself out of the darkness alone time after time.
I'm trying to find ways to vent without venting to people who know me. All it's done is push people away from me.
First person being my ex husband. He tried to kill himself because of me infront of our three year old at the time. I had no choice but to leave him because child services was threatening to take my children if it happened again.
Barely anyone talks to me anymore. My sister has her million best friends. my best friends have their kid free lives to just up and go whenever and whereever they feel like adventuring to. Anyone else wants me to hang out at the bars til closing, I can't. I have three kids I am raising. So after the many invites they did do that I said "I can't" they slowly all stopped talking to me.
My sister in law hates me for whatever reason. Apparently I smother her with my attention seeking habits. So she won't be around me. Which in turn excludes us (My husband, our three children, and myself) from family functions unless we come when my husbands brother and wife leave. I have never felt this much pain from family. I am angry. My mother in law blames me for the distance between the siblings. My sister in law had me in her wedding until her friends bullied me at the bridal place trying on our dresses. She sat there while her friends made fun of my small boobs "Aw look how cute and little they are.. Aw, how adorable.. Aw" I broke down a week later and told my husband who then made it known about the bullying. We were both excluded from the wedding after that. When my mother in law confronted my sister in law about the incident she responded with "My friends would never do that." So now I am the liar. It hurts. What hurts the most is that I have been in my husbands family since before me and him. His parents were my parents best friends as teenagers. His whole family watched me grow up. And now I feel so uncomfortable. As for family functions, theres is the only family functions we have. My family don't do much for holidays, especially since my grandmother passed. Everyones heartbroken and grieving alone.
I just don't know what to do. Everyone says don't worry about it. The family on my husbands side, some see the situation for what it really is. So thats nice that not everyone thinks badly of me. My sister in law has situations with a different person every year on my husbands side. At one point she wasn't getting along with our youngest brother in law. Shes very manipulative. I had just recently started feeling vibes that she didn't care for me. Whenever shed be around her and my other sister in law would walk off alone and talk even if we all were in a conversation. They would go hide in a bedroom. If I was talking to my sister in law I'd be cut off from the conversation completely by the other sister in law.
All these things happened between December and March. I feel broken. I feel like I am drowning and everyone around me is happy and breathing. Some days I do my hair but most days the thought of brushing it exhausts me and I am paralyzed. I am always exhausted. I sleep away the morning and then I lay in bed for hours wide awake having anxiety attacks and flashbacks of my grandmother in her final months and all the things she said. I always hear her saying "Help" over and over again like she did the week before she passed away.
I just want to feel better. I want my confidence back that I had. I want my real smile back. I want to laugh without making myself laugh. I want so badly to be happy. I want to feel like I belong somewhere again. Most of all I want to live again.
well... you know, march isn't really that long ago so it is totally understandable that this still hurts very much. I can't say how long it'll be this painful for, we're all different people and we cope with death in different ways. What i want to say is that the desire to feel happy again is an important feeling and i hope you can hold on to that. It is also okay to be down in the dumps about it and there isn't really a set time when you should be over it. It can be a long process to grieve for someone you loved. But no matter how long or how short, there is no right or wrong way to go about it. You may feel you should be happier now but maybe it is perfectly okay to still feel immense sadness and maybe you should just allow yourself to be sad.
I know it's easy for me to come here and say that grief takes time. but i've been there. Hell, i AM there myself.
the only real advice i can offer is to talk about it. Talk to people who will listen and keep talking for as long as you need. Talk until you feel sick of talking about it. Not just her death but talk about all the contributing factors to your feeling of emptiness and sadness. Let it out because the worst thing you can do right now is to bottle it all up and retreat into your own world.
and if people have a problem with you then it isn't as much a reflection of who you are as it is a reflection of some petty insecurities they are struggling with. AGain, easy for me to say, i know. But please don't let those people make you feel insecure about yourself and who you are. To a lot of people you are the best you, you could ever be.
i hope you can find some help and company and respite here on these forums. Keep talking. We are listening.
Thank you for your comments. It helped alot. I am feeling a little better today. I've been distracting myself as much as I can. I kept telling myself that grieving should be over by now. Move on. Which is probably part of my depression; the fact I was fighting it so hard. You're right, its ok to just be sad and grieve.
I'm fighting to get my confidence back one day at a time. I will always hold onto the desire of wanting to be happy. I am feeling a bit more hopeful today. Just living on moments, and this one was a positive one. Really, thank you, it helped pull me closer to positivity. I really needed to hear everything.
As for my sister in law, it just sucks not having a good relationship. I know at some point people will eventually see how manipulative she is because once shes bored making my life a living hell she will have moved on to her next victim. I hoped it would stop at me after my husband made it known to everyone of her actions. Instead it made it worse. I know its temporary and I know I should stop worrying about what everyone may be thinking and just ignore it and not react and be the bigger person. There's only so much a person can take. Perhaps keeping my distance is best even tho it sucks to feel left out.
You grieve in your your own time frame don't let anyone dictate how long you should grieve for. It isn't set in stone, I still feel extremely sad when my nan died when I was 16. For example if I hear particular record she loved by Willie Nelson (blueskies and stardust) I burst into tears even if it is 13 years later. Even more recently listening to a track by Christina Perri can make me feel sad.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
Just want to back up yoyogirl's point about grieving. It can, and often is a long process, it can even last a lifetime. I lost my grandad nearly 4 years ago and I miss him just as much today as I did in the days following his death. Please don't let people tell you how to grieve, it is personal to you.
I feel your pain, my grandfather passed away two years ago he died from lung cancer none of saw it coming, he started losing a lot of weight and always wanted to sleep we finally took him to the doctors and they found 12 masses the size of dimes on both his lungs they gave him 3 months to live sadly he passed away two weeks later I've been through a lot but I'm just so mad at myself that I never saw him before he passed away but I'm so grateful that he isn't suffering anymore, It does get better love I promise you that I'm only 22 years old and I've been through hell, you're not alone you have brothers and sisters all over this planet who are on that roller coaster ride with you.
