I think I am starting to realise that perhaps I have three personalities in my head all the time.
I have the one whose wants to enioy everything, have lots of friends a job and do really well in life but can be quite unpredictable and say things/do things without thinking about it and has lots of energy + impulsive. But I am very unsafe at times when it comes to traffic, crossing roads and can be blunt if I in a rush. I do not always acklowledge other road users when I am walking/running and it be quite scary at times. I have been close to be knocked down by lorries and cars.
Then i have the part of me that really doesn't give a damn about anything and would rather watch netflix every single, switch her phone off. That gets angry at the slightest thing and easily irritated and feels very dark at times. but struggles everyday with concentrationand enjoyment. When I am feeling like this reading a book, doing assignments etc is completely out of the question. i simply have no interest in colouring or other daily life activities. and getting out is near to impossible. I rarely acknowledge any human being you could tell me that my neighbours house is going to fall down and i wouldn't get up and see what's happened.
Then you have the part of me that prefers her own company and prefers a solitary lifestyle away from everyone and everything and can quite mousey and rarely talks, does a billion activites and could spend hours on the mac. But also has long periods of complete emptiness and emotionless, robot like approach. But can concentrate for ages. Just give me a load of coffee/tea or redbull and i am ready to tackle any assignment.
Whats happening in my brain is that I am in comstant state of conflict all-day/every day and it's ripping me and my life apart. it's causing conflicts with my family, friends and my making my life utter hell. As I never know what I am going to be like from one minute to next
I am comstantly contradicting myself and changing my mind like it's on pernament loop.
A lot of the time I am completely unaware of what's happening conciously and it's only when my brain gets back to reality do I suddently think, hang on you were angry with x y z this morning. I cannot always tell if I am getting angry. my brain doesn't always acknowledge and by the time i have thought about any kind of distraction, mindfullness etc it's far too late.
it's like i go from 0 to 100 in seconds and there's no feeling in the middle but without thinking about it.
The hardest thing is that it's so difficult to live with when on top of that I have the posisbility of job (causing utter frustrations) the stress aand anxiety of studying, plus living with two middle aged parents and having Graham in my life plus whatevers happening in the day.
Last edited by yoyogirl : 25-06-2017 at 12:40 PM.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
Having internal conflict is normal, just not always easy to live with. We all have many different sides or parts to ourselves and some are often in conflict with others. I quite often find the more stress I have going on in my life, the more I struggle with conflicting parts of me and hormones used to play a part too when I was a teenager! While I was in counselling I was able to explore all the different parts of myself and that has helped me to understand and keep control of them and it's easier to understand and ride out the conflicts. Do you have any professional help you can talk to about this?
Not really I speak to my mental health team however they are not always helpful and give very vague advice and the waiting list for the counselling can take upwards of 18 months. So I am often left feeling more and more frustrated and not going anywhere. Just struggling to cope as per usual.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
I think we all have different sides of ourselves that in itself isn't strange, for some people these different sides sit happily alongside one another. For example the side of myself that comes out at work or with friends or with family or even different friends is different.
From what you have said however it seems that currently these different sides of yourself don't seem to sit well with one another. I wonder whether you have noticed any patterns in your mood or the side of you that is prominent? It might be worth making a note of how you are to see if there are patterns in lifestyle and mental health.
Although these may seem like normal moods for some people due to circumstances and lifestyle etc. But for me feeling upset, angry or even happy can feel quite foreign to me. As I have hid how I felt for a long time and instead of being upset about something I have kept in it inside or only been let out when im on my own. The only person who has really seen my me at my worst when i have done things (too triggering and don't wish tipshare) is G.
He's covered up a lot of things for me in the past when i have been unwell and has been a bit like Mike Ehrmantraut from Breaking Bad.
My parents have only seen me be a bit pissed off or upset for ten minutes max and then I'm apparently "over it" like you get over a cold or sore throat and entire psychotic episode.
Neither are they helpful and i get lot of critisim from them. "Oh I wouldn't reacted that that way, I would of got over it in three seconds, I end up feeling like I am some wrongun person or that i am stupid/thick. They also tend to say "Oh i feel like most of the day," "Have you tried reading a book or going for walk?"
I'm like yeah i have tried that all the time but when I am not in good place to read a book or distractions or mindfullness it ain't gonna work. "oh its just your curent circumstances thats causing it, nothing to worry about just cope" How does it make any person with a mental health condition feel?
Utter bullshit.
"Perhaps you should try making new friends - friends don't not grow on trees/they are not tins of beans. i can't just walk to the colouring cafe or mental health social group and get chatting to people and instantly feel confident. I can manage the usual "good morning" but then anxiety kicks in and i end up legging it or being half interested in their boring conversations that don't go anywhere. If the groups were smaller say of five people. I could talk a bit more. It's not that I am scared of people, i have numerous daily conversations with the check-out girl in boots, i have the the confidence to speak about a product/service, ask directions and I know a lot of people in passing in the community. The ladies and gents in the library, the girl who does my nails and waxing. But when it comes to getting to know people and having long meaningful conversations, going further for coffees and shopping. My comfidence hits rock bottom. I have tried various ways to improve myself confidence losing weight, exercising, beauty regimes/fashion sense. Even positive thinking or listening to positive uplifting music. I would walk around town, go for long walks with r&b/hiphop tunes in my iphone and go on endless healthy eating plans. Believing that i would feel good about myself. But the uplifting feeling only lasts a hour or so. Then reality of my real mind kicks in and things go south for the rest of the day. i don't talk and carry on using my mac. I do this daily every day.
People at mental health aren't really helpful either all they seem to do is offer groups, activities and sports groups? I am like i have job now how the hell can magaically make this appear in my life and cope with that stress on top of university and work. Unless there's extra hours in the day, i don't know about or i have suddently grown a huge amount of confidence overnight.
Last edited by yoyogirl : 14-07-2017 at 12:08 PM.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
I understand what you mean about confidence and trying to have conversations. I only have one friend and I only see him once every week or two for an hour or two and I find that exhausting. I'd love to make new friends and be able to talk to people but fear and anxiety set in whenever I try to say or do anything. It probably is hard for people without mental health issues to understand just how hard/impossible it can be to do things they see as simple or easy, and that can be very frustrating for those of us that struggle with them every day.
Equally I find being with people for long periods very mentally draining for me. I would rather be in a quiet place with my laptop, Netflix, YouTube and recover your life for company if I am honest. But I know I can't take my laptop to bar and have a drink with it or have a conversation. So the back of my mind knows that I am alone and ain't that great if I am in the high street. There's no one I can text that's free to meet for a coffee and all I am seeing is random people have conversations with friends and work colleagues or students. It can definitely set of the feelings of depression. So now I am learning to completely ignore my thoughts and feelings and focus on just on music and what I've gotta do. But if in doubt, skive the activity off. I tend to listen to listen to drown out every single thing in that pops in my head.
Or I tend to work extremely hard on university stuff that my MH goes awol. Do I push myself or what? Until there's sweat coming off my body. Then after university if I am still in this position. I tend to just imagine that I am on some very long vacation mode and that i don't give a monkeys about anything or anyone. Quite common in depression. I tend just watch endless love island, Netflix and imagine that my town centre doesn't exist.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
To be honest, that just sounds like you are an introvert and probably not something you really need to worry about too much. I'm an introvert myself, and while I do enjoy company from time to time, I often have to spend time by myself recharging for dealing with people.
That said, if it is that big an issue for you, I really do advise maybe talking to someone about it in real life. Especially as you often contradict yourself on here in relation to whether you do or don't want to interact with people/make friends. I think you really do need to explore this contradiction and figure out exactly what it is you want.
That's kinda how i have been for the last couple of years very conflicted over a lot of things and really undecided knowing that there's issues at both ends of the situation. I know that staying friends with him isn't good for mental health but also i know that not being friends with isn't good for me either. My prior experience of completely losing someone ended with me in a+e a few times as I was extremely low place. It's the same with social groups etc, I know they are good for me to be out in the community but i also know how toxic they can be and how rubbishy depressed and anxious they make me feel. I also know that for me to cope with university, work and social life would be also be too taxing on my mental health. There's no way I am giving up university and my job as that would make me feel even worse.
So I cope with just watching netflix in the evening after work, seeing Becky once a week for a few hours. Knowing that she could disappear without a trace due to her issues.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
