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I can't lose him
I suppose this would be better placed in my journal or in the rant forum. But I need some support at the moment.
My Granddad, who is more like my father figure and my granddad rolled into one, was diagnosed two and a bit years ago with prostate cancer. I dont know how advanced it was when they detected it. He had been doing alright, or at least well enough for us to still have my grandparents over for an afternoon. Well, when I was in Germany in August he got so poorly that he was bed-ridden and my mum thought he was going to die before the month was out. So as soon as we got back in the country we visited him and got a shock. He was a lot thinner than we had ever known him and it was just such a shock to the system. I saw him in the first two weeks of October, though my brother didn't. He was even thinner and weaker than the previous time i had seen him, though he could walk further. He hasnt been eating much at all.
So, shortly after that visit they realised he had a broken femur. He went into hospital to have a complete hip replacement and was soon in a rehab home to receive physiotherapy to get him walking on his new hip. While he was there he fell awkwardly on his arm and it broke. So back he was in hospital, having another op. After that he was receiving physio to get him walking again and (by all accounts) they treated him roughly and shouted at him. Last Thursday, after having been given the all clear to be discharged back to the rehab home and the physio session which succeeded that, they discovered that his new hip had been dislocated. My grandma visited him that day before he was due to go into the theatre to have it manipulated into place and got the shock of her life. His skin was grey, his lips were blue, his eyes were dark and sunken. She thought he was dead. Luckily, he wasn't. It was just the anthestic they had him under. Bearing in mind he is a very ill 77year old man and has been under anthestic 3 times in the past 5weeks, it is bound to take its toll and is beyond a joke for any healthy person.
The NHS is a f*cking joke! They are supposed to take care of him not make him worse!
Well, I visited him on Saturday (yesterday) and it was a blessing to see him. But at the same time it broke my heart. I had sent him a message telling him that I see him more as a father figure and he laid there. Tears welling in his eyes. And told me that he had felt the same for years. He hasnt been able to feed himself for ages. But the sheer determination on his face yesterday to do it was something mum had not seen in him for ages. He is so desperate to get out of there and it is heartbreaking that he has to go to this rehab place first. But he has to. Grandma cannot cope with him on her own atm. He needs to build a bit of strength before she can have him at home. On our way home mum had a phone call from a friend and she said to him that she reckons the tonic for him was that i was there.
I have cried so much over this. But he obviously not got long left. Everyone is talking in such a manner too. Christmas has typically been me, mum, my bro, my grandparents, my aunt, my cousins, my uncle all at my grandparents house for the day. There is no way that can happen this year. We will definitely visit but it will be so different. He cant negotiate stairs so his bed is set up in the dining room.
I cant lose him. He means so much to me and i cant lose him. Not now. Not when things seem to be getting sorted.
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