Intrusive Thoughts

[Rilic]

I had a really bad few days a few weeks ago where I broke my tv, self harmed apparently bad enough the hospital called a plastics surgeon to come see me, I refused and a few days later a GP came and threatened to section me to get medical help because I didn't appear mentally competent.
Since then, been having bad hallucinations, and intrusive thoughts.
My CPN arranged to see me last week, but didn't turn up and no explanation why. Just a letter from him for me to sign saying I take responsibility for f)))ing myself up.

I've been trying to get a therapist through him for over ten months now, and need to talk to him about medications.

I think because I'm in such a bad mood, intrusive thoughts are bad. Death and murder kind of bad. I can handle voices telling me that kind of stuff, but when those thoughts pop into my head I feel very unsure what to do. I can feel horrified by them. Or sometimes I sit and fantasize for hours about how I'd do it.
When i get an intrusive thought when talking to someone, sometimes to stab them or something, I can shrug it off pretty easily. but when it keeps coming and sticks around and I start to envision myself doing it, I get really, really scared that one day I might.

I don't ever want to hurt someone. But I know I've hurt/attacked people in the past.
I want a freaking therapist so I can have someone to talk this stuff through with.

[EMH]

that all sounds really scary and hard to deal with

do you know what caused you to leave the hospital without getting treatment?

your CPN sounds the complete opposite of helpful. Is he the only support you have right now? is it possible to go and speak to your GP and see if you can get therapy through another route?

[Sketchy]

This all sounds very distressing. Could you request another cpn if you feel he isn't helping or turning up? Or maybe you both have to talk, to try to work through this, which is obviously hard if he doesn't turn up.
Could you speak to your doctor about wanting a therapist? Maybe they can help.

I hope you get through this and get the help you need.

[Entropy]

that does sound frightening. Do you have a crisis number you can call if necessary?
I would suggest that you try to contact someone higher up in your care to see if you can be allocated a new CPN if you feel this one is less than helpful.