Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - I thought it was normal, am I wrong for that??

[crushed_butterfly]

When my father did what he did, I thought that it was normal. He always told me I was his special little girl, and good girls get special cuddles. I thought that it was perfectly normal. When I was in school one day I was talking with my friends and we got talking about our fathers and I asked if anyone got special cuddles, and of course I then found out it was wrong. I was about 8 at the time. Then on my 11th birthday my dad gave me a present I will never forget, he took away my virginity.
I am now in my 30's and the thing that bothers me still today is I thought it was normal and a part of me enjoyed the attention, because my mum always hit me. I know that I am wrong and probably stupid for enjoying the attention. I see adverts with girls crying because family members are making them do things. But it was never like that for me, I thought it was right, I thought it was normal.

Did anyone else feel like this. Or am I wrong for feeling that way.

If you cannot post a reply then please pm me.

[Chrissyann]

First of all, you were not wrong for thinking that at all. I mean, why would you think it was wrong? You were only young, and he was your dad... a man that you're supposed to trust more than anyone else. He gave you love and attention... what any daughter would want. It's just a shame that he showed it to you in the wrong way.

I had a similar scenario, but the man that abused me wasn't my dad, it was a friend's brother. But my mum hit me, and the attention that I got from him made me feel wanted, and loved... the complete opposite to what I felt at home.

Feel free to PM me if you want a chat.
Take care hun
*hugs*
Chrissy
xxx

[popcorn]

I felt like this too, and also have struggled with feeling guilty and stupid for liking some of the abuse, for sometimes seeking my dad's attention. I also think it's really common-- people often talk about violent abuse where the abuser has to coerce or force you-- but in reality, there are lots and lots of cases where the abuser has your trust and you'd willingly do anything for him. And when something has always been that way, and the people you rely on to tell you the reality about the world tell you something is normal-- why would you think anything else? My mom had a really bad temper and wasn't affectionate, and my dad was the calm, cuddly one. An abusive dad exploits the child's natural trust and need for affection. You weren't stupid for enjoying the attention-- you were doing what any kid would do and accepting affection/attention/love in whatever way it came-- in the same way a person would drink muddy water if that were all that was available.
Hope this makes sense.

[~invisible~girl~]

That's actually a very normal reaction to that kind of abuse. When people think of abuse, they tend to think of violence and force, and an abuser who keeps the abuse secret by threats of harm for telling. But that's not always how it works. Often, an adult will keep sexual contact with a child secret not by threatening the child, but rather by relying on the child's trust, presenting the contact as normal and harmless, and making it associated with positive attention and affection, so that the child will seek out or at least not avoid the situations in which the contact takes place. It's completely normal and perfectly understandable that you would have believed that the sexual contact was normal, and also that you would have enjoyed the attention that came with it, especially given the physical abuse from your mother.

Also, while it's always wrong for an adult to have sexual contact with a child, such contact doesn't always cause significant psychological problems for the child if that child views it as normal and safe. In that situation, being told that the contact was abuse, that it was wrong, and that they should be traumatized as a result can sometimes cause significant psychological harm when the abuse itself did not, because the experiences essentially become traumatic when the child (possibly even as an adult) is told that the experiences were traumatic, and they may also feel guilt for having accepted or even enjoyed aspects of the abuse that they later feel should they should have recognized as wrong at the time. Of course people also do sometimes tell themselves something hasn't effected them when it has, so there can sometimes be a thin line between ignoring a real problem and creating one that doesn't exist, but I guess the point is just that the experience doesn't need to be any more traumatic than it really was.

[ghosts in the machine]

while I wasn't happy with the abuse.. I did think it was normal.. the right thing to do to me.. so I let him carry on. But my parents were quite distant from me, and the fact that he was that close.. it does feel weird for me.