Fear

[Ballerina123]

It's been a while since I posted in here.
I feel bad like I should be 100% better and I'm taking up board space but hopefully it's OK and this is not totally rediculous or pathetic.

My reason for posting is mainly to hear if anyone can relate or if you have had similar feelings and thoughts.

Basically in about 4 weeks I will be 18 months self harm free and 12 months since my last section, admission and last episode.

This is a huge mile stone for me and can't remember when I've been this well, especially for this long.
My mood is very stable and psychosis and related issues are pretty much gone.

It's so nice to be able to write that and acknowledge it.

Yet... I fear it.
I feel it's partly because for a long time I identified as a sick person and couldn't be or do much at all outside of that identity and partly because I'm so scared that I will be that unwell again and out of control.
It's an odd feeling that I both only know myself as sick while also never wanting it again.

I fear what kind of person I will end up like now my illness is at bay.
I fear that I will be like that again, because I don't know if I will survive it.

It feels so bitter-sweet getting to this mile stone that i really don't know where my head is at.

I want to pretend that non of it happened but know that over a decade of illness that severe, traumatic and disruptive cannot just be forgotten.
(sorry that last bit turned out a bit more dramatic that I expected... But it was a dramatic time so I will say it as it is).

I kind of don't want this anniversary to arrive because I don't feel ready.

[SubSteph]

First of all, congratulations and well done on making it to this point. it is incredible, you must be such a strong person.
I can relate to the fear. And the questioning who you are with or without Illness. I have learned to accept my illness as part of me, but at the same time that is not who I am. I don't know exactly what your issues are, but I do know that you are not your illness. There is so much more to who you are. it is scary to not know if, when and how it will come up again. I get that. There is no pretending it never happened. It did happen, but the important thing is that you survived. you are coming out of the other end.

[Arienette]

YOuve done really well. It is a big mile stone, and the unknown can be scary even if at face value it does seem "better" than the past it is scary and that's understandable.

Sometimes I feel similarly. I haven't been in hospital in a year soon, although I have been unwell, the prospect of expectations of me that come with being more well scares me. People thinking I'm better than I actually am because I'm not in a&e or hospital or self harming scares me because with that comes expectations to also work full time and live independently and I feel a pressure to never be unwell again. I don't like that because it's not accurate.

Also, the thought of becoming as unwell again as I have been previously terrifies me. I also worry that I can't deal with another big depressive episode. I read an article that summed it up well. It said it's like breaking the same bone. Each time you heal it's a bit weaker than before.

My cc says "you've been through it before. You can keep coming back from it" no. Each time it's worse because im more worn down than I once was and each time it's worse for me.

I don't know if you feel exactly how I said but I think it's a kind of similar situation. I guess keep on keeping on and take breaks and slow down when you need to. You're doing really well and you've undertaken a lot in the past 12 months.