My Dad is really suffering with anxiety and depression and alcohol dependency. I don't know what to do.
He's taking it out on everyone around him. His wife is wonderful, but she will only take so much. He drinks to cope with his emotions, then is verbally abusive to various people. His wife, me, my Aunt... He's been vile to all of us either face-to-face or via text messages. He is always very apologetic the next day when he's sobered up, but it is so, so hard. Last time he did it to me he phoned me in tears the next day and said he was never going to drink again. Then, as alcoholics tend to do, he went straight back to it.
He went to the GP and his GP put him on anti depressants and referred him to the local drug and alcohol service. She also told him to self-refer to the primary care mental health team. He did that but now won't engage. Stopped taking the medication because 'it's been four weeks and it's not doing anything' and has had nasty replies to any suggestion of counselling. He also comes up with suggestions why he can't do it. Time or cost or he doesn't think it'll help. He has a good, well paid job, he finishes at 4:30pm every day, he has money for bespoke holidays abroad and to do archery and go to the football, but he won't make time or find the money to get better.
He's been like this for years. He was a single parent to me until I was 10 because my Mum wasn't around. He drank most nights back then though. Used to drink home brew and fall asleep on the sofa. I wouldn't want to sleep upstairs all night on my own, so I used to drag my duvet downstairs and sleep on the floor. That was normal. I remember making him borrow a Z-Bed for him to sleep on upstairs (he didn't even have a bed at one point) one Christmas because I was scared Santa wouldn't come if he slept on the sofa. He was either super happy and so, so much fun, or he was so low he was non-functional and I had to go and live with my Nan until he was feeling better.
Don't get me wrong, he was great and sacrificed so much for me when I was young, but I'm struggling so much with this. It's just the way he can be so cruel and I hate to see him suffering. I think, if I'm honest, I also find it really hard because he's like I was going back 7 or 8 or so years. I was so resistant to help. I would be quite mean to my Mum when she was trying to encourage me to take medication or go to therapy. Hospital admissions were fraught because I was so cross at being forced into help when people didn't believe "I'm fine" anymore. I really, really don't want him to suffer like that. It's such a horrible, dark place to be.
I don't know if this post is about me or my Dad. A bit of both, I think. I'm at a loss.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Lovely I'm so sorry your are going through this. I wish I had suggestions, but I have read it and I'm thinking of you. I hope your dad reaches out for help. Please take care of yourself too.
Thank you, Lorraine. I sent my Dad a long text message encouraging to engage in some kind of talking therapy. I haven't had a reply yet. I hope it gets through to him.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I think, as you know, the desire for help and the action has to come from him and you're doing the right thing by being there as a source of support when he's ready. It will happen when he reaches the point of knowing things need to change. I guess I would ask him - is what you're doing at the moment working? Will you lose anything by trying something new? What would you change about this, if you could? (I'd assume it's the taking it out on other people, which he's clearly aware of).
It's also difficult to see people in a situation we used to be in as it can bring things up you'd rather not remember. However, it does give you a unique perspective and almost gives more weight to your support and advice. Have you drawn that parallel with him?
It sounds like such a tricky situation and you're being very brave to manage it. Do you have anyone you can talk to about the stress too?
Those are good questions to put to him. Hopefully, once I've got a reply to the message I sent, I can ask him them. I've asked similar questions to him before and he's got very defensive and very sure that his way is the best way and he can do it on his own. I will try again though, perhaps phrasing them in a different way.
I have explained my own, similar experiences to him. I have acknowledged how hard it is to admit to needing some kind of intervention from someone professional, but that opening up and accepting support is so worth it. I've said I know this because I've been there. He tends to just ignore that part of conversations I have with him.
It's tough. I love him a lot.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Apparently he doesn't ever message me or call me because he gets anxious if I don't reply straight away. My past behaviours, especially the incident that happened two and a half years with the wanting to end my life, has scared him. He's rather not contact me at all than contact me and not receive a response.
My Aunt has told him that that's his problem and something he needs to address, as it's not my responsibility to reassure him or respond to him immediately. Apparently my Mum has told him the same in the past. I don't know. Everyone else has found away to manage their anxieties around my unwellness, but my Dad just can't cope with it. He can't cope with me. I frighten him. Bleh.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I think Carmen is referring to Prochaska and DiClemente's stages of change/transtheoretical model. It's actually really helpful for all sorts of things (is usually used for addiction) but is used for any sort of behaviour change and may be something to signpost your Dad to.
