Triggering (SI) - Pressure and Shame

[Seraphsigh]

I don't know what to do. All I can think about is how bad of a person I am, regardless of how happy or depressed I am. It's self-absorption, I think. Every time I'm like this, the anxiety is almost unbearable. I feel shame and it hurts but I don't know where the hell it comes from! My doctor says that it was my family life or something, but why do I feel so guilty about every little thing I've done wrong? I just know that I was born evil, cursed. I deserve to die, but for some reason I'm being kept alive.
I'm panicking. I wrote down all the reasons that I'm a bad person and showed it to my dr. She suggested that I tell those to my friends and see if they would blame themselves if they had done something like that. I told one friend, and at one point I could tell that she thought I was terrible and deserving of this. That made me even more upset, so I don't think I'll do that anymore. I don't know what to ****ing do. I've considered resigning myself to just playing music (its my "profession" I guess) and make that be good in spite of me being bad.
God, I'm nuts. Sorry. What do people do when they know that they are intrinsically evil and tainted? Just get quiet and lie to themselves?
I want to cut so bad, to relieve the pressure on my chest. Sigh. No no no.

[hammy]

Monarkh I can tell you now straight off that you are NOT evil, you are not tainted or bad....this is the depression talking, or the low mood, or what ever you call it. This blackness you are feeling is not you. I used to feel the same, I still do on bad days, but you have to remember that it's not true.

Your doctor cannot have thought you were a bad person if she told you to talk to your friends about it. Perhaps when you did talk to your friend he/she was just overwhelmed by the sadness you are feeling at the moment. Perhaps they didnt know how to comfort you or tell you it would all be ok. some people just are not very good at that.

You dont need to lie there and punish yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You have to fight these feelings and believe me when I say that you are NOT a bad person. Treat yourself to something nice instead, make sure you are around people and not on your own dwelling on all these thoughts.

Take good care of yourself, stay safe. Keep us updated.
much love xxx hammy