Embarrassing lack of memories from mania

[Wellingtons]

Bipolar type 1- have had some pretty 'elated' periods as my CPN puts it.

Afterwards I try to hide shamefully. The village vicar has asked if I want to meet up, I'm fairly sure the last time I saw her I was totally weird and just remember sitting on my sofa with my head tilted back because she didn't understand whatever I was trying to say.

My CPN tried to make reference to what she calls "delusions" (or maybe not that bad, she actually said "you have been quite delusional" and tried to talk about it and I just change the subject.

I'm constantly thanking and apologising to my best friend for sticking with me through this.

It's awful. I mean it's great, but awful. Like being blind drunk and totally enjoying the moment or at least being 100% certain you are right, but then waking up with total cringing humiliation.


Urgh. I'm not sure there is a point to this. I've started 1 year weekly psychology therapy and I know I was edging towards my 'delusions'and eventodayhave had so much adrenaline and energy. I saw my CPN and she asked a couple of times if I wanted to talk about anything else (I.e etc stuff I was telling the psychologist) and I said no as cba.

I even actually had a point to this and now I've forgotten.

Oh, and she says I get very paranoid, which is true- but I don't recognise what I think and feel with what other people put on here about I guess more TV standard type paranoia thinking the government are sending messages through the radio and whatever. It's hard to even remember what my paranoia is as it's so strongly felt as true. It's based around people testing me really I suppose?

The medication I'm on is causing big fluctuations, it's hard to stick to a dose knowing how great it feels when I increase it a small amount. But I've got into trouble at work for being dangerously distracted and absent minded so trying to focus on one thing whilst keeping the energy and adrenaline going.

This has nothing to do with the embarrassment now. I suppose work was embarrassing.

[Wellingtons]

I totally fixate on mental health symptoms and my diagnosis and stuff so I suppose that's why I've come onto here. I've avoided hospital as my husband and friends have been around and kids school is helping a lot.

[Straight 3]

I can emphasize with you, I also get amnesia after my bouts with mania. When I go full manic, I have done things I don't remember at all until I slowly start to discover evidence of what I've done afterwards. You're lucky to have that friend that sticks by you. I can usually count on 1 family member to keep me under tight lock and key and guard me during those times so I'm not left up to my own devices and keep my away from situations that could find me in harms ways.

I don't know what to say other than you're not alone at all.

Good luck!

[Wellingtons]

It's just really crap because I love my job and don't want to jeopardise it, and also a manic episode bars you from driving for 6 months and I really cannot face that!!

[Wellingtons]

As well as losing friends and acquaintances and totally destroying my life.

[Arienette]

I have very little recollection from my hypomanic episodes. I just remember snippets of information - it's more like I watched an episode of a tv show than experienced it in my memory.

Some stuff I've done or been told I've said has been pretty embarrassing but with time it fades into the past.

I hope you manage to find stability and that your meds can help you kotfluctuate so much.

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