How do you keep going? What encourages you? What stops you giving up when it all feels so desolate?
I get so tired. Exhausted. I feel like I could sleep 24 hours a day and still need more rest. I feel far better if I get up at 9am every morning and see people/do things throughout the day, but it is so difficult. My motivation is sometimes zero. Sitting up feels beyond me, let alone getting out of bed, showered and dressed.
I work two days a week and I enjoy it, but it is so, so difficult. This morning I had a taxi booked for 08:45 and I got out of bed at 08:40. I threw my uniform on and ran out of the door. I didn't even brush my hair until I got to work and I'd fallen asleep with it wet so it looked like a birds nest.
Last week I didn't leave the house for four days. Didn't speak to anyone or see anyone. Just hid under my duvet watching things on Netflix and sleeping. I let it get so on top of me. I spend one day in because it feels nice, then I start to believe the people I hear and then I fear for my safety and then I stay in more and because I'm not challenging myself or them, it spirals. I was able to break out of it on Tuesday because my friend appeared at my front door and wouldn't take no for an answer. Then my Mum came round in the evening because she hadn't heard from me and that's what she does.
I don't know if this is part of the schizoaffective (if that's even it?) or what. I don't think I'm depressed. I'm not being crazy. I just... It's so easy for things to go backwards. I write daily schedules weekly and they are helpful, but if I get off track and stay in for even one day, I start to lose it. I KNOW that I need to go out every day, but it is so hard. Sometimes the fear is so intense.
How do I go out even though I get scared? How do I go out when I'm not scared but moving feels too much? I know this all needs to come from me and I'm the only person who can do it, but it sometimes feels so impossible. It's not, because I do it most days, but it feels it and I don't know what to do. I get so, so anxious about getting completely consumed by the fear again. I can't get like that again. It takes a piece of me every time.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I understand what you mean. I often find it hard to leave the house. One day becomes two and so on. For me I find having small goals are more achievable. For example, I will plan to just go out to the shop, or for coffee. I find going for a coffee helpful because it forces me into the real world as well as being a treat.
It's good your friend came over. Do you think you could arrange to meet again?
Can you plan something each day? Even if it is smaller things? Even if it isn't going anywhere but just writing out a plan for the day/week to make sure you get out of bed on the bad days? I find sometimes a very short walk is enough and once I have my shoes on and make all the steps getting ready to go out it makes the going out part easier.
I don't know how you do shopping or if this would work for you but could you buy milk or something everyday/every other day? Like running out of something pretty essential like milk (I like tea and cereal) it would make me go out to buy it.
If worst comes to the worst can you message a friend to come get you/meet you/ message you?
Do you have "safe spaces" where you feel ok most of the time like a library or a coffee shop or a park where your fine when you get there and only need to focus on getting there?
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
Perhaps having some visual reminders would help? I think I remember you saying you had written yourself little notes about going to work and enjoying being around your colleagues, so maybe writing similar things about getting out each day, or even sticking up photos from when you've had a good time being out of the house can help remind you.
Reflecting on the fact that when you do go out nothing bad tends to happen is important too. You're right that if you avoid, that fear will come back 10 times stronger, and so keeping on top of it is really important. I wonder if some sort of system where you could chart what happens when you go out - how you feel, did anything untoward occur, etc and have that as 'evidence' to look at when you're struggling because sometimes having things in black and white can make it harder for you to talk yourself out of it.
You are so, so brave and you have proven time and time again that you can do it. I think whether it's related to a diagnostic label or not isn't the main concern - there are things you struggle with which make it harder for you to do things than people who don't struggle with those things. It doesn't make you less than them but it does show you are incredibly resilient to keep going in the face of really intense fear, which not many people would be able to maintain. A blip doesn't mean things will be difficult forever and you will come through this just as you always do.
Small goals are good. I have a bit of a timetable and meet my friend every Tuesday afternoon, so that's good. I like going for coffee, and there is a cafe on the seafront that's usually pretty quiet that I like going to. Comfy sofas!
You're right, Leigh. The steps to going out can often calm me down. I'll go from being in bed terrified, then I can repeat to myself "it's going to be OK" or similar while I am getting ready and I'll have calmed down enough by then end of it to make it out of the front door. If I stay in bed, I just get more and more scared.
Some more visual reminders about going out is a great idea. I like the idea of putting photos up of times I have gone out and had a nice time. That's a really good idea about recording the times I've been out and nothing bad has happened - no one has ever suggested that before. :) I'll start today because I went to meet my friend earlier and then when he left I went for a walk along the beach. Nothing bad happened and the wing really blew the cobwebs away.
Thank you for being so very kind with saying I'm brave, Ali. I really don't feel it sometimes. I hurt myself out of fear the other day. I was so scared something terrible was going to happen. Now I'm safe either way, except for an injury that I have not much idea what I'm going to do with. I do try though. I really, really try. Thank you for saying I'll come through this. I'm feeling relieved because I've hurt myself. It'd been an option for a little while. I will get through it though. I've felt a bit better today.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Taking photos as proof that it went ok sounds like a good idea. Plus it could turn into a new hobby, photography. That will give you something to look forward to doing and another reason to go outside. Who knows what nice and interesting photos you could take. Maybe you could get your favourite photos printed out as motivation and reminders.
It's hard to accept positive things when we're already not feeling good, and if you've spent years talking down to yourself that can be a tricky habit to break. I know I say it all the time, but trying to step outside of that negative self-bias and asking yourself how you would speak to a friend if they were experiencing the same things can help gain some perspective. Would you speak to a friend in the way you speak to yourself? Why is that? Why are you not a friend to yourself? Tricky questions but I think ones we could all do with reflecting on.
I'm glad the suggestions were helpful :) Would you feel able to get your wound seen to?
