Excuse me but 17 years is too long

[Pointless]

Note: I've not been on in years and I joined a very very long time ago.

There's far too much to update on but right now things are terrible and I have nowhere to vent at all. Most of my support has been taken away from me because they felt it wasn't helping and forcefully stopped my psychology then a year later my psychotherapist. Then my CPN was just taken away from me.

Now I only see my psychiatrist to manage all my meds. I'm meant to see my GP for regular bloods because I'm on lithium but usually the day unit I go to does it when I'm there.

I'm not doing well at all. I feel like I've hit rock bottom pretty much. I haven't self-harmed in about two years, the last time was combined with an OD and landed me in hospital for a bit. The urges just don't go away and after 17 years of it you'd think at some point I would have been free from them, even for a bit, but no. At the moment I just wish I were dead. 30-years-old and a complete mess/fuck-up.

I'm coming off two of my meds and going on another one and even though it's being done slowly it's leaving me feeling terrible. I try to tell myself that given time I'll feel better but it's really not true so there's no way I can fool myself.

My psychiatrist has been very frank with me, saying that if the meds keep working and then failing my last option is ECT, which scares me. However, it's an option because I'm sick of this and I'm amazed that after everything I'm still alive.

That was a bit all over the place and there's a tonne more going on but I just had to make this post. I have no one to talk to and feel very alone. I needed this out. Maybe I posted this in the wrong place, if so I'm sorry.

[EMH]

hi,
i can relate to so much of this. im so sorry youre in so much pain right now. i guess i cant give the best advice otherwise i wouldnt be in the same place, but i can offer understanding and a listening ear.
why did they take away CPN? do you think theres any chance at your next psych app to tell them you need more support, someone just to talk to regularly who can listen?
ive had exactly this before, where they think youre not getting better so take away their support from you, when them making things feel a little less alone is all you expected/needed.
*big hugs*
pm me anytime :)

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I, too, can really relate to what you're saying.

I've been self-harming for 10 years, and actively trying to stop for the past 18 months or so with very little success.

I did 8 rounds of bilateral ECT when I was 20ish. They basically said I was going to die if I didn't do it. So that was scary.

What I've learned though, is that there are other options. Have you tried prescription Ketamine? If you can find a doctor to prescribe it, it might change everything for you. I started it back in 2014 and it really helped me. It gave me the chance to think through my urges. I can't say I stopped completely, I'm very willful, it helps though. My self-harm severity has reduced a lot.

What I know about people who have self-harmed for a long time is that they are survivors, even though sometimes we don't want to be. It takes so much effort to heal, over and over again... to start again. You are so strong, my dear, even when you don't feel it. If no one in your life tells you that, well, I am!

Don't give up.