Mixed episode? self harm urges. Advice?

[Arienette]

I can't quite figure out what's going on with me right now - but it is bothersome as I am having extremely strong urges to self ham. I haven't self harmed in so long I can't even remember (cutting I mean).

My scars are all nearly gone completely it's been so long.

I feel like I might be in a mixed episode. I feel incredibly ALL over the place lately for the past few weeks. I had a few days of perfection: i cooked, restarted old projects to make loads of money etc, i exercised and had perfect days of getting SO much done. I thought i was super well, but wifey said she thinks i'm not as well as I think.

When in town the other day - i was shouting at everyone, but i had loads of energy and was laughing, but i was incredibly irritable.

sometimes whilst she was at mine for 6 days, I was very hyper, like uncontrollable where she said she was concerned, and now, for 2 days i've been zapped of energy and sleeping a lot, but I have loads of motivation to continue with my projects.

I mean, I could just not be as low as before, but I feel all mixed up. I feel all shaken, like all my categories of me got shaken like a cocktail mixer and i keep having different explosions and things: confrontations, sadness, suicidal thoughts, feeling inspired to write a million posts on my website, etc.

I'm just ALL over the place, and I really want to self harm to settle things in my mind for me.

I'm not sure what to do. I've been using dbt skills (TIPP, STOP, dive response, distraction, pros and cons etc) but it's not achieved much. I've not settled down for much time at all each time...

[tiptoes]

I'm sorry you didn't get a reply to this.

How are you getting on now? Mixed episodes can be difficult to manage.

[Arienette]

My GP scripted me a week of clonazepam until the psych can see me. Although that isn't happening so soon bc my cc cancelled our last appointment last week due to something - but I'm seeing her Monday coming.

I wound up going out and finding drugs as well to calm me down and get high. Lost the whole weekend to a blurred mess of feeling paralysed physically and coming around then doing it all again.

Then on Monday I got the flu and I'm still in bed with it - which has slowed me down because I can barely manage to walk to the toilet ATM.

My accommodation manager came to see me today and their upping my support bc they think I'm unwell. Also are gonna contact my cc before she comes over on Monday too.

I'm so sick of this flu right now I keep just wishing I would just die. I've never been this ill with a cold or flu in over 10 years!!

[~SuNsHiNe~]

I dont have many words right now but want you to know that I'm thinking of you and hope you're doing okay *hugs*

[Arienette]

i tried to kill myself on sunday with an OD. Was found sometime on Monday and admitted to general hospital for a few days. Medically stabilised and sent home - no extra support in place as for some reason HTT don't accept my referral and i obvs didn't want to be admitted.

Spoke to my CC - turned into an argument. Now I have to take my meds in the office and I'm not allowed them in my room again, which is very annoying.

I don't even have any meds left and Dr's haven't approved any so I'm probably gonna be without for a while. Whatever it's all a shamble.

unfortunately no other immediate opportunities are within my means - FFS. :(

[Bellatrix]

What about charities?

[Arienette]

i dont even know where to look anymore. I feel like I've given up on myself. I've started smoking weed just to cope and calm myself down each and every waking moment.

yesterday i managed to go uni library because i find it peaceful. then on my way home I was inches from just jumping in front of a train - luckily i had a clonazepam so i took that and contained myself to not make a scene.

came home. Smoked. Somehow had some form of seizure from it (?? any explanations) and passed out.

TOday I don't know what else to do other than knock myself out with substances again because I feel SO angry I really really feel like I need to **** someone up - and I have someone in mind.

I dont even know what this is anymore. I don't know what even happening to make me feel like this.

---
I actually just feel like lyign down, and just giving up now. I'm spent.