I could be dead. I'm only standing because you said so.

[Ballerina123]

Don't even know what's going on.
Blaming it on venlafaxine withdrawal but could be nothing to do with it or relationship worries but also could be irrelevant. But first question people always ask is what was the trigger. I don't know really? It could be an accumulation of thing.

Just finding it hard know what's happening and that is scary.

After years of madness, collecting an array or diagnosis' and many different types of drugs I just don't know weather I'm "ill" or just different. There is a difference.

I'm something that has not been accepted yet.

My mind races but that dose not mean I'm manic.
I think of suicide but that dose not mean I'm suicidal.
I cry but that dose not men I'm depressed.
I'm totally disconnected but that dose not mean I'm dissociated.
I'm not in your reality but that dose not mean I'm psychotic.


I'm trying to work it all out.
I feel a bit mixed up. I'm not all over the place but I am not waiting societal norms.
I could have died years ago. There is no evidence for or against.


This is in the mental health forum because I've always been lead to believe that these things are X or Y diagnosis/ lack of capacity / illness.

But the medical model is to old for purpose these days, so what do they know.

I just don't know where I stand or of I even if I'm standing. You could tell me I am but that doesn't mean it's true. It all just words.

I don't who to talk to!

[Ballerina123]

Is there actually any point is calling the mental health team about how you feel if you know that attending any appointment at all could cause more stress than it will resolve.

Like I could call them but they will suggest 2 things, I imagine:
1. go to a&e
2. see us for an emergency appointment.

when going to a&e is a bit of a joke when you live over 30 miles from the closest hospital with an a&e and you know your not enough of a risk to be admitted so you will wait for hours, at the very best get 1 diazepam and be sent home - which will probably require paying for a taxi to drive 30 miles at peak rate time.
so a few hours later the diazepam wears off, you do not feel any better and you are down over £70 from taxi fairs.

or attending an emergency appointment when you work the same hours and days as your team. meaning you will have to take a day of work, loss a days wages, then come back to all the people at work moaning about how they were so busy when you were off (which is not always an intentional gulit trip but does induce a element of guilt), or being called into a fitness to work meeting where they question your ability to do your job because of non arranged time off. which in turn just make you stress more incase you have an accident or get a physical illness meaning you may need to be off again and even though all a long all your were trying to do was look after your own wellbeing you suddenly find yourself worrying about being stuck in the benefits system again and your sickness record hindering your chances of getting another job.

sometimes the system does make it easier just to claim incapacity. because at least then it doesn't matter if is a great day of a bad day you know you will still get money. but then of course it dosent fit within my life plan to be on benefits. and it sort of knocks my confidence. without even going into the fact that I am fit enough to work 99% of the time but some work places these days just do not accomadate sickness or wellbeing. it all about slogging your guts out till you are worn down and then get told that its survival of the fittest.

It makes you think that life is a dog eat dog environment where those who shout the loudest will get the most attention and sometimes better promotions (and what appears to be a better lifestyle but really that kind of lifestyle fall a bit to far away from my moral standing for me to get on board with this kind of work place completion). you very rarely see the most deserving, safest or most passonate worker getting the perks. especially if they don't have the confidence to stand up and scream about it.

Im getting a bit off topic here....

I guess all im really asking is: is there any point in calling the out of hours MH team considering it seems way to difficult to attend a&e or an emergency appointment?

[Ballerina123]

I have got to a point where I actually think MH is a joke.

I called was told over the phone that due to a history of EUPD that I will take from the call what I want and there is no point is calling.

That its irrelevant that I am on meds or not because regardless of any other disgnosis EUPD means meds wont help.

Bare in mind that I have never called this line before and been stable for over 7 months this lady on the phone proceeded to give me textbook answer to my issues based on a diagnosis I once got that was put down as "possible".

Anyway I think I will just leave it.

Its not worth the hassle. Id rather just feel odd and sad at home than have someone insult my intelligence like that.

[Uglyducklin]

I'm sorry I don't have many words but I'm thinking of you .

[Arienette]

I hate it when they pipe that rubbish over the phone r.e. a history of EUPD Dx. But it's a persistent stigma whether you even or ever did fit EUPD or not.

Have you tried using samaritans or anything for support and someone to listen to you?

Sometimes I've found support away from official services can be less judgmental, and as a result sometimes more useful.

in my opinion services are only useful for meds, admissions and therapy - support in between either extreme leaves much to desire.

I'm sure you know most phone lines in the UK, if you want PM me and I can forward you an email i got of lines from my uni welfare officer - there were some on there I didn't know about before.

x

[Ballerina123]

Thanks.
Yea I did call samaritains in the end and found it helped.

I managed to call my actual team, rather that the lady on the out of hours line who though she knew me because she had read a book. And they were helpful too and listened.

I guess it's just one of those things. It's doesn't mean that. It's right, but at the end of the day it is humans answering the phone and that night I got a human on a power trip.

Either I'm starting to get use to feeling a bit odd.
I'm having a change in meds right now, due to too many side effects from the last one, so I guess it gonna be a bit rocky because the chemistry that kept me stable is changing.

I just have to ride it out for about 2 more weeks then there will be no more changes and I can get back moving forward.

There are some great people in the NHS but the few that's aren't so great really can make problems a lot worse. It's just luck of the draw sometimes.

[Arienette]

yeah true - with having so many people involved in a service such as the NHS, there is bound to be some human error/inexperience/lack of knowledge.

I'm glad samaritans helped and that you were able to talk to your team.

As you said a change of meds is bound to bring some challenges over the next few weeks as you rbrain chemistry will be altering and adapting to withdrawing from and getting used to different medications. I wondered if it would be helpful to write this fact somewhere in regular view as a reminder, such as in your organiser, or on your phone or something.

When I've been in that situation I"ve sometimes forgotten about the brain chemistry and gotten really upset or distressed by the disruption to my stability, such as lately I tried withdrawing from citalopram and everything in my episode at the time got 100 X worse, and it took about 10 days for me to click that maybe withdrawing from my citalopram could have been aggravating an already difficult situation, hence my outbursts etc.

i think it would have been helpful for me to keep a reminder of this somewhere visible to keep this fact in the forefront of my mind when it was getting clouded with unhealthy thoughts, feelings and reactions etc.

if that makes sense?? Not sure, i haven't slept so may be rambling. I'm aware. sorry about that. Hope i managed to make my point clearly at least. If not just mention and i'll try reframing it after some rest etc.

x