Feeling really low.

[Serendipity.]

I'm sorry. I don't really know why I'm posting this and I will probably delete it at some point, I worry too much about who's reading it. I really do appreciate all the support I get here though <3

I'm just really, really low at the moment. I feel terrible and it's all so stupid and self pitying but I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I am so, so tired of it.

I'm trying so hard but it doesn't seem like it because I still struggle so much with basic life things. I manage work because I push myself really hard to and I manage to get out and see people because I know that it helps even if it doesn't feel like it, but that is taking all my energy so the rest of the time I pretty much just sit in bed crying. It's not helpful and I need to stop. It's horrible, I live in such a mess because it's too much effort to clean or do laundry. I hate it and I hate myself for being like this and I want to change. I know what I should do, I know I should be setting small goals blah blah. I know what I would suggest to anyone else. I feel like such a hypocrite supporting other people with things when my own life is such a ****ing shambles.

I feel very alone, but that's my own fault because I find it so hard to let anyone in. I have friends, I have people who care about me, but I struggle so much to actually talk to anyone in 'real life' about anything that I end up feeling like there's no-one I can actually turn to when I need someone. I do have support from MH services but it isn't overly helpful at the moment. I kind of wonder if I've got all I can out of it by now and maybe it's time to be discharged.

I feel really hopeless about things ever getting better properly. I am tired of going round in circles.

[HopeRises]

I definitely don't think your time with the mental health services should come to an end there are ALOT of things that haven't been tried. CBT, DBT etc etc. Also, correct me if i'm wrong (alzhiemers brain) but, have you ever done meds at the same time as therapy? Usally that is more beneficial than meds or therapy on its own.
I really think you need to push (although that is super hard when you are so low) for more help. They seem so useless because services are so stretched but, that isn't your problem, it is theres and they need to get their act together. But also, turning down there offers probably won't help your case. I understand it is hard and things but yeah. You shouldn't give up until you've tried everything. It does get better than this and you know it does.

I'm sorry your feeling so bad but, don't give up.

[tiptoes]

I think you are being rather hard on yourself. It isn't you that is making you that is stopping you from doing things you suggest to others or letting others in. Low mood is doing that.

These things are as much a symptom of your mood as the feeling low and crying.

Sorry I'm low on words at the minute but want to stop by and leave some love.

[Juniperi]

I'm sorry it's all so hard at the moment. I will remind you as usual that it will pass. Try to believe me.

I know you are trying really hard and pushing yourself at the moment. Do you have times when you can allow yourself to stop pushing so hard? I don't just mean the time that you've allocated for sleep, or the times when you arrive at the end of your working day and you're feeling exhausted. I mean actual time that you set aside to allow yourself to stop pushing. It is not easy to do, and I have had to reduce my work hours to manage it, but from the outside it seems like you need to allow yourself some of this sort of time. You are so hard on yourself, Hannah. Give yourself some space to breathe. *huge hugs*

[whirlpools]

I think others have put it really well. I'm so sorry things are so horrible and exhausting. I think, too, that you're being very hard on yourself.

I also really agree that now is not the time to be discharged. From an outside perspective, you appear (from what one can tell from RYL alone!) really quite depressed. This isn't a flaw, nor is it unrecoverable from. This isn't the best things are going to get - I believe things can get much better for you, in time.

You've experienced an episode of illness which most would find traumatic. You've pushed through and made some amazing achievements but they've also come with a lot of stress and some big life changes, at a time when things were (and continue to be) extra challenging on a psychological level.

I can't remember whether you did have a medication review - I think you did? Sorry. Did the doctor make any changes to your medication? Are you taking it as prescribed? (I'm really sorry be that person who asks that question - I know it's an infuriating one). Meds side-effects can be really life-interrupting so if a med isn't working for you, is important to tell your team that (in writing, if that's easier).

Things can get better, and that's so hard to see when you're exhausted and haven't seen any light for a long time. When asking for help becomes more and more frightening. Please do try and reach out, though. Sending love.x

[Serendipity.]

Thank you all <3 I really really appreciate the reassurance that it gets better and I am not just a rubbish person.

I've done CBT twice now, the last time at the same time as taking meds more or less properly! It has helped, I am better at noticing and challenging unhelpful thought patterns - I still do it, but it's easier to catch myself and change it. It means that I cope better. But I still get really low. I don't think DBT is available in this area and even if it was I don't think I'd ever be offered it because my life is actually really stable. I may be able to start seeing the psychologist but I would be 'supposed' to talk about stuff from when I wasn't well last year and I don't know if I can. I should, but I'm scared to and I also feel stupid that it still affects me.

You are all probably right that being discharged might not be the best thing at the moment. I think I'm frustrated because I'm still struggling and I also feel guilty. I have had a lot of support and I don't feel like I 'deserve' any more. I am kind of surprised that it is still on offer. I am struggling, but I'm also doing okay - full time job, no time off, no self harm, not suicidal. I see people who are in much worse positions being turned away. I know that isn't my fault or responsibility but it doesn't seem very fair.

I did have a medication review. They suggested lithium or failing that lamotrigine but having thought about it, I don't want to try either at the moment. I have another appointment next week, I want to ask about potentially just changing to a different antidepressant, but I don't know whether they'll agree. Fingers crossed. They keep telling me I need to take medication long term but I don't want to and it's frustrating. I am being quite good with taking them though.

No, I'm not very good at allowing myself time to relax properly. I tend to be either busy/out or sitting in bed crying, there isn't really much in between :P I do need to work on that. I need to schedule time to relax and do nice things when I'm at home. I don't feel like I can relax in my room at the moment though because of how much of a tip it is, so I need to try and sort that out as well. Hopefully if I can do that it will help a bit.