good at hiding it, or not real?

[little-bee]

there's been a lot of times, recently has been quite bad, where i'm experiencing such intense mental distress.. but it just appears outwardly that i'm not in a very social mood. it makes me very scared that maybe it isn't really hidden and that it's actually fake somehow.

is this a normal thing to be feeling? is this an experience others can relate to?

psychosis trigger warning below:

i've watched the pavement beneath my feet fall away into nothing. i've felt like i may cry at any second because the shadow will consume everything in the world and i'll die. i've seen shadow people watching me and felt them touching me. i've been walking along and thinking so much about how the entire world is a game or that somehow it isn't real in another way. i can experience things like this, and more, and i still appear just blank or mildly anxious.

how can i feel things so intensely and still i can't show it? how can i keep that back?

[Sketchy]

I think a lot of people can relate. I sometimes feel like a fraud or that I must be fine, but really I know I'm not. I'm just good at putting on a 'I'm fine' face. You are obviously experiencing distressing thoughts and struggling, so you are in no way a fraud. I'm sorry you are feeling like this.

[little-bee]

it's horrible feeling like this. thank you for that validation though, i do appreciate it very much.

very sorry that you experience this as well. i suppose on some level it's clear that things are very wrong but somehow it feels like if outside people can't validate that it's happening then it can't be real. i wish other people didn't have such a big effect on how i view myself.

[Schizonormative]

I have a lot of the same trouble. At this point I've been so conditioned to act normal that the second I'm with someone I snap into the facade of being simply tired. I've struggle with the thought that maybe the rest is fake as well and the thought that helped to correct this thinking was "why would I only act when I'm alone if I was just doing it for attention?" Hopefully this helps in some way.

[lilred]

Most people don't know I have a mental illness and I function just fine at work usually, but that doesn't make it any less real. In fact it sometimes makes it worse to hide it because I can't expect people to understand when I haven't told them. Your illness is very real and it sounds like especially the distressing thoughts are impairing your normal functioning, which socialization is a part of. I think most of us have asked the question, is this real or not? Unless we intentionally forced ourselves to have these effects (which I highly doubt anyone here did) then your illness is real.

[little-bee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Epic

Hey, it sounds like you are struggling enormously even if it is not apparent to others. Whilst it may seem useful to be able to "hide" mental health stuff, and to function pretty well on the outside, it places you at huge risk because the pressure has nowhere to go. Also, because you aren't being forced to stop functioning and because others might be dismissive. You might find reading about high-functioning depression, anxiety and psychosis.

The other thing to be mindful of is that symptoms happen for a reason - usually to get us to pay attention to ourselves or our environment so we can make adjustments. If you are very good at clamping down on your symptoms externally, there is huge risk that they'll get ever more weird and severe.

I'd really encourage you to seek support so you can release this pressure safely and care for yourself internally.

thank you! i'll definately look into high functioning things as well. i mean, i definately don't function well, but i can mask it to a point around others at least enough for outward symptoms not to be apparent to them, but i still think maybe that it may be a good idea to look into those anyway

i've given my therapist a list of all the symptoms i experience that i could remember since i don't want to hide around her and hopefully she may be able to help me stop hiding as much since it's probably doing a lot of damage

[little-bee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schizonormative

I have a lot of the same trouble. At this point I've been so conditioned to act normal that the second I'm with someone I snap into the facade of being simply tired. I've struggle with the thought that maybe the rest is fake as well and the thought that helped to correct this thinking was "why would I only act when I'm alone if I was just doing it for attention?" Hopefully this helps in some way.

that does help a lot! thank you

sometimes i can make myself think about that bit and it does help, but sometimes i think i'm too determined to prove to myself that it's all made up so i don't feel like i'm broken. i'm gonna try to think a lot more about this though and hopefully i can remind myself about it! :)

[little-bee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilred

Most people don't know I have a mental illness and I function just fine at work usually, but that doesn't make it any less real. In fact it sometimes makes it worse to hide it because I can't expect people to understand when I haven't told them. Your illness is very real and it sounds like especially the distressing thoughts are impairing your normal functioning, which socialization is a part of. I think most of us have asked the question, is this real or not? Unless we intentionally forced ourselves to have these effects (which I highly doubt anyone here did) then your illness is real.

thank you very much, the validation definately helps. i think you're right that sometimes it makes it worse to hide it all. hopefully both of us can find it easier to be more open around other people one day