Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Flashbacks and Nightmares
i know ive been through this umpteenth times but they wont go away.
i cant stand it any longer.
had a terrible one last night.
and bad flashbacks today.
kelly sometimes spanks kaleb as a punishment. i know most people discipline that way. but i never hit keith. i found many other non violent ways to punish him.
the sound of her spanking him send be right back "there".
and the nightmares are so graphic. hes there and hurting me. and im begging. ive woken myself the past few days saying "please stop". its humiliating.
when will this go away?
will it ever go away????
i cant continue to live like this.
im at a complete loss.
and the not drinking and not cutting is getting harder everyday.
i want to apologize for not replying to you guys like i should. i just really havent been capable. and i wouldnt know what to say anyhow. im so messed up right now.
I understand!
I'm having a "discussion" on line with one of my friends. I saw her in person tonight and I finally said that we'll have to agree to disagree. I've had some memories hitting me hard lately. I don't have flashbacks exactly, but i'm certainly having not just the memories, but the emotions i felt at the time and the emotions i'm feeling now as i have the memories.
Drinking and cutting will just postpone the emotions.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.
gentle hug,
blondie/susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
I think you should talk to Kelly about how the spanking bothers you so much. As you said, there are other ways to punish him, ones that won't give you flashbacks. Hopefully she will understand.
As for the nightmares...I don't really know what to do about those cuz I get them too....maybe they happen when you haven't dealt with certain feelings while you're awake? Maybe you need to just let yourself feel things sometimes, as bad as that may seem, instead of pushing them to the back of your mind only to have them pop up at inconvenient times. But if you do let yourself think about the bad things that happened, make sure you have a healthy coping strategy in mind, i.e. not cutting or drinking. I don't know, that's just an idea.
I hope things get better for you soon. *hugs*
Laura
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa
Sorry to hear you're feeling so low hon. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for though, nothing. You bring a lot of hope, love and encouragement to people on here, and you deserve looking after too. It's our turn to support you.
I wish I had some suggestions for the nighmares, but it's difficult to know how to advise on that. All I can suggest are the usual things for a good nights sleep. Make sure you don't go to bed angry or upset if you can as the feelings will pass over into your subconscious. Try and make everything about going to bed pleasurable, reading a favourite book, having a milky drink can help, if I get any thoughts I fear while I'm in bed, I write them down and put them next to the bed promising myself I'll deal with them another time, but for now it's ok to let them go. They're not forgotten, just mentally put on hold. It doesn't always work, but it's worth a try.
Lavender is really relaxing, putting it on your temples and wrists is good for relaxing and calming the mind.
Sorry if this is all useless, I wish I could offer more.
Sending you huge hugs, you can PM me anytime, anytime at all.
Much love to you hon, thinking of you xxx
Han7777777 is my dear RYL sister.
Ordette a.k.a prs100 is my RYL Daughter
lavender is a really good idea. i use to have some lavender pillow spray and it did help. i do need to get some more of that.
today is going to be busy. my mother is on her way to pick me up. im cleaning the rest of my things out of the old house. its going to be an all day ordeal. but we're going to have lunch and my brother is going with us. it would be amazing if this could be a chance for my brother and i to start speaking again.
anyhow...thanks again everyone.
love you all to pieces.
xxxxx
Let us know how things go with your brother - that sounds really positive - I hope you all have a great time.
Hope the lavender will help, I use one of those pillow sprays too!! Helps me stay calm throughout the whole night.
Much love and hugs to you hon and good luck with lunch.
Let us know how it all goes!!! Thinking of you
xxxx
Han7777777 is my dear RYL sister.
Ordette a.k.a prs100 is my RYL Daughter
my brother didnt speak much to me. in fact, all he said was "im sleeping".
but i guess thats better than completely ignoring me.
it was sad cleaning out the last of my things but im so glad to be here with kelly.
my mothers husband bought her a brand new car. im so happy for her. its the first new car shes ever had in her life. and i may get her van. im going to pay a little a month and its a pretty nice van.
That's brilliant. I'm really pleased for you that things are looking up. You deserve some happiness after all the stress and fear you've had.
You have shown so much courage recently, you deserve for things to be going well, and I'm glad they are.
Great news about the van that sounds fab.
Love right back to ya!
xxx
Han7777777 is my dear RYL sister.
Ordette a.k.a prs100 is my RYL Daughter
