Trying to explain things to my cpn

[Rilic]

(as convolutedly as possible)

There is nothing more confusing in your head than knowing that what you're thinking and feeling is irrational, but you're still thinking and feeling it. It's creating order whilst simultaneously creating chaos. It's having the logical and illogical waging war in your mind. It's resisting when you know resistance is futile.
It's trying to force words out through a mouth that refuses to speak. It's knowing the positives in life but only seeing the negatives. It's hearing words being spoken, knowing no one spoke them, but still being afraid and hurt. It's knowing you're safe, but feeling everything's a danger. It's knowing you should follow the path, and walking off in another direction. It's standing next to yourself having a break down, and not understanding why you're doing what you're doing. It's knowing you want to live, and still wanting to die.

[Steel Maiden]

What is your CPN saying? Why can't she understand?

[Rilic]

When it comes to my ASD diagnosis, he doesn't think I have Asperger's. And when it comes to my other diagnoses, BPD, GAD, psychotic depression, ADHD, (some ptsd symptoms), he says I don't have a mental health disorder. When I've been in hospital because I'm unsafe, he says I don't need to be there. When I stopped taking my meds, he said I didn't need to take them. When I have an anxiety attack and close up, he says I'm not trying.

He was alright last time I saw him, I showed him this and some other things I wrote, and he seemed to understand that I'm struggling. But sometimes it's like a battle, me trying to engage and explain, him trying to understand. And I can't really figure it out myself. Sometimes it's easier to think things through, sometimes my head's simultaneously running a hundred miles an hour, and dead still.

[Steel Maiden]

You could ask to change CPNs. I actually have an OT as my care coordinator as the CPNs I've tried before have been diabolical with not understanding my autism (I am diagnosed as HFA). My OT is pretty good. Perhaps you could ask for an OT.