Not strong enough.

Marshmallow. · 15-08-2016, 08:29 AM

I don't know how much longer I can go on. I feel like I'm in a constant struggle with myself. Like I'm battling against myself to stay alive.
I don't want to be here anymore, I actually just want to die. I don't know how I'm going to cope much longer.
It all sounds so over dramatic but that's what everyone thinks about me. I need it to end. I need to speak to my ex, I know it's been 5 months but I still need him. He's the only one that can calm me down and make me feel better.
I feel completely alone in my struggle. Everyone says that they're there for me if I need to talk or whatever but they're not. I'm alone, no one really cares or would notice if I was gone.

damocles23 · 15-08-2016, 08:44 AM

I see you. I care, even if you don't know me. I know where you've been. Hell, I was there a few days ago.

Marshmallow. · 17-08-2016, 05:02 AM

I'm still there. I don't know how to get out.
I've managed until now but I don't know for how much longer.
I have my CPN appointment in a few days and she will ask what has stopped me from killing myself and I don't know.

Wonderland. · 19-08-2016, 02:15 PM

Do you feel like you can express the way you are feeling to your CPN?

Sometimes we don't know what keeps us going. I often get like this when I feel like giving up. I think in some people though there is just an inner fighter inside that keeps plodding along despite feeling like shit.

In terms of mood and that, I don't know if you are on meds or not, but it may be worth getting a psych appt booked with you feeling so so low, to review everything.

Marshmallow. · 19-08-2016, 06:24 PM

I tried telling my cpn but I felt like she wasn't really listening. She's usually really good but she just passed by my suicidal thoughts and didn't really say anything.
It's good to know I'm not the only one that can't explain it. Maybe there's like some protective factor in our brain that makes us stop.
I still feel awful I'm fighting to stop the thoughts but they're still there. I had a review recently my meds were increased for 4 weeks and are to go up again next week but I just don't feel like they are making a difference.