BPD and rejecting help

Rilic · 26-07-2016, 03:35 PM

Is it normal to reject things that should help if you're BPD?

I'm not really getting on with CPN at the moment, I've never found it easy opening up to anyone, and he's no exception, and he's getting really frustrated with me.
Even though I admit I need meds, I've stopped taking them, and I can't really figure out why. He's tried to get me to go to a group to help me adjust to being around people, but my anxiety and everything gets so bad it's absolutely horrible going, I get panic attacks and cry a lot and can't be around anyone, so I told him I wouldn't go anymore, even though he said, and I know, that if I keep it up, it should get easier.

There'll be times I desperately want to talk to someone, with so much going on in my head and with my emotions, but the moment there's someone actually there to talk to, I don't want to speak to them. And trying to just stirs up this huge blast of anxiety and I get a panic attack.

He said I need to go out, and stop sitting in my flat feeling sorry for myself, and had to tell him I despise myself. I don't go out because I get anxious. He said I needed to do things because we all need aspirations, and the best way to get better is to go and try new things and find something to work towards. But I have aspirations, I just feel so rubbish and lack motivation, and I feel like a failure, and I don't get much enjoyment from the things I love doing, it's just too hard to feel constantly miserable, useless or empty.

And that's not mentioning times when my voices are bad, or I'm dissociating a lot, or when my paranoia is rising.

He says I'm not trying, that he's losing patience with me, and he'll discharge me soon if I don't start trying. But I don't know what he wants. I said I'm trying, and tried to explain things, and he sort of said I was making excuses so I didn't have to try. He said I couldn't just be my disorder, but I had to try and get better, and if I wasn't going to try, he and everyone else would just walk away.
Which makes me feel so much worse, because I want to better, and I try, and I want to try more, but I need help. I don't need someone telling me "go do this" "go do that" "go be around people". I need something to actually help, to walk me through things, how do I do these things, how do I manage my emotions when they get too much, how do I open up to people and trust them with what's in my head?
I don't need someone who sees me for half an hour every three weeks, who tells me I need to do things, and that I'm not trying or engaging and I'm turning away all the help offered. I think the "help" is not helpful. I think I'm making the decision to not do things I either don't think will help, or that will be outright distressing to do.
Or am I just making excuses so I don't have do anything.

Diesel · 26-07-2016, 04:55 PM

I think it's generally accepted that we push people away at times, so far mine has been restricted to girlfriends, friends and family. I feel anxious in public but strangely feel somewhat OK in more intimate situations like one-to-one talking, such as with a doctor, dentist, psychiatrist and so on, so I've not experienced a similar resistance towards professionals trying to help me, maybe because I recognise that they are indeed trying to help me? Who knows.

It does sound like a frustrating situation to be in and I suppose that's a hallmark of Borderline but the CPN doesn't sound like he's helping with some of the negative comments he's blurting out.
When I was reading through your post the first thing that came to mind was to write out your struggles with the things being asked of you in a similar way to how you've just done so that he can read what may be a more concise and clear explanation from yourself. Maybe sitting down with a little more time to reflect and prepare better responses in letter form may have some success in getting through to him?

Rilic · 26-07-2016, 05:15 PM

I think I'm a little better at one to one, but still not very good at it. So why he thinks throwing me into a group situation is the best idea, I have no idea.

Thanks, I'll try to write something out for him. I just hope he doesn't disregard it.

Rilic · 30-07-2016, 10:42 AM

I'm so annoyed at him. I was really struggling the other day, and I'd gone to my gp, who called crisis team, and ct said I should speak to cpn. The ct guy who was talking was one of my key workers from my time inpatient, so he knew me well, and he said he would contact my cpn and leave a message for him to call me, and my gp said he'd do the same thing. But I've heard nothing from cpn since.
Fortunately there's another service where my old support worker works, and I got to see him and talk about everything that's been going on, and that really calmed me down so I didn't do anything really bad to myself, and all I can think is thank god I don't have to rely on my cpn for anything.