So... I'm in a bit of a pickle and I don't really know where to start... but I'm really struggling and I need to get these things off my chest. Serious apologies if this is over - share.
Just over a week ago I relapsed on a long standing (14 year) self-harm habit, after having abstained for over two years. I think about it all the time.
I've been really slipping. My thoughts are loud... They tell me I am useless, pathetic, stupid etc etc etc. It hurts. I woke up so early this morning and all I could think was to hurt myself in some way. I woke my (v supportive) partner but I was scared to tell even her what I was thinking.
And the drinking... I know I'm not an alcoholic, having been drinking pretty moderately for two years (after having had a long problem with alcohol I was able to return to "normal "...) but I don't remember the last day I didn't drink alcohol. My job is very stressful, and all day I just itch to drink more. It's starting to have an impact again and I don't know how to get out of this rut. AA isn't for me (this isn't denial, and I appreciate how much it helps some people; it just isn't for me).
I'm struggling to work. Fighting to think. And it's a month until I can be seen by a mental health professional. I don't know for sure that I can hang on.
I know that's a lot to put out there, and I'm really grateful you took the time to read it, so thank you. I could do with advice or maybe just a virtual hug. Whichever will do.
Peace.
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