I think things are falling apart. I feel it, inside slipping away, the noise, constant noise, the wight pusing down so hard, struggling to take it in, feeling sick, wanting to cry all the time, the cutting, the cutting is back, mythodical but beginning to be scattered, a small slip of relief before my mind is filled again, weightless only for a moment. Alone, really alone again....more than before, failure, failure, ****ING FAILURE!!!!
The noise, it won't stop, work, work, work, ****ing work damn it!!! Stupid in comparrision to all these other people, people who could stay on at school, you failed, you dropped out, are you going to have to drop out again, fail again and again. You know you are useless, you worthless peice of ****!!!!!
ARGH!!!! The noise. I don't want to keep failing....dissapointing eveyone again, and again.
Tears building, building up. Back at the beginning. No one really there any more cause every one leaves, everyone leaves....
No more Chris (councillor)
No more Willie (Key worker)
No more Penumbra (Can't get there for appointments)
No one I trust....it takes too long to trust any one....
No friends....nothing, nothing real..........all gone......
Can't even live with people....unclean, untidy people, can't cope with that no. No you can't because you are a freak, clean, clean, clean!!!! Loner! Loner! LONER!!! ALWAYS ALONE!!!! NO ONE EVER CARED!!! LIES LIES LIES!!!
I give up......I am back at the start...cutting again, lost to thoughts which just get stronger and stronger....
Nothing is going to help, because I am so pathetic that I can't cope with anything that is 'normal'....I want to kill myself...I am thinking about it...cutting is only until I think of the right plan...I just can't do it....
I am falling, fallling apart again...pathetic....so pathetic....lost....so bloody lost!!!!!!!!
ARGH! Don't know what to do....lost, cut, bleed, lost, alone....confused so confused...no one...lost...alone....confused....
I don't know what to do....
