It's been a while...

[Chrissyann]

It's been a while since I've been on here- about 5 years in fact. I'd got to a point in my life where self harm wasn't controlling me; I didn't need it any more. It's not that I haven't thought about it and at times the desire to harm has been there, but I've been able to stay away from the bad habits of my past. But this time I'm struggling. I'm really struggling. I'm fighting against the urges as much as I can but I'm tired of the constant battle; I'm exhausted.

I don't know what I want or need from anyone. I know I shouldn't slip up. I know I should keep fighting. I know that once I make one mistake I'll probably go down the slippery slope again. I know I should talk to my husband or go to the doctors. I know all of this, yet I feel trapped; unable to take my own advice.

Ultimately, I'm scared. Scared that my old life is sneaking back in. I don't want to be that person again. I don't want to be reliant on harming at every possible opportunity. I want to feel happy and free again. I just don't know how to get that person back. I feel swamped with negative thoughts and just don't know what to do.

I don't expect sympathy, advice or anything like that. I just need to get my feelings into words and I thought coming back to ryl might be helpful. Thanks for listening.

[Pi.R^2]

Welcome back, though sorry to hear that it's difficult circumstances that have brought you back.

Do you know what it making you unable to take your own advice? You sound so motivated to not slip back into old habits, so hopefully you can use that as inspiration to reach out and talk to your husband and go to the doctors.

[Chrissyann]

Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately, I did slip up; I couldn't fight it any more. I'm just so annoyed that it all stems from one person that I work with. Sounds stupid, but after months and months of his laziness wearing me down, I just feel like I've given up. I've tried to stay strong and optimistic that things would get better and that he might finally pull his weight, but that optimism has gone. His laziness and inability to do his job has finally broken me.

[EMH]

hey :)
Im sorry that things are bad again. I understand how it is when internally we feel fragile so the stuff in the external environment can just push everything over the edge. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, I probably cant give much good advice, but it sounds like you are able to work out the trigger, or at least part of it anyway. Is there any chance you could ask supervisor about having a word with this colleague? Maybe making a list of all the positives, so when you get home from work you can try and block out work and focus on other things. Does your husband know about any of this? Sometimes just having a little rant at the end of the day helps.
Maybe it is also time to talk to doctor again. You dont have to be at rock bottom to ask for their help, and maybe they can help stabilise you incase things do drop lower.
*big hugs*

[Chrissyann]

Thanks for your reply.

I've spoken to my senior leadership team so they know the issue but for some reason they don't seem to want to do anything about it. They've made sure I'm not working with him again next year (I'm a teacher so have moved into a different year group) though so I guess that's something.

I'm just concerned that breaking up for the summer holidays hasn't made any difference to how I'm feeling. I still feel low. I'm still harming. I'm still restricting what I eat. I thought once the school year was over that I'd revert back to normal but I guess it's not going to be a quick fix. I'm just a loss for what to do to get better.

My husband knows how I'm feeling. Perhaps not the full extent, but not far off. I've still not braved the doctors however; surely that would be me admitting defeat?

[EMH]

I dont think going to the doctors is admitting defeat. maybe its kind of the opposite, showing you still care enough to fight and help yourself? They can help you through it, better than suffering with all of this on your own?