cant get my head around my head

bjm5225 · 07-05-2016, 01:54 PM

hello everyone i used to come on here alot and now i'm back and need some advice.....

my names is jack btw and i am from ireland but for the last 2 years i have been living in the usa....sinnce i resumed treatment over here for what i was pretty sure was some kind of bipolar disorder i have been diagnosed and treated also for PTSD which is related to SA i experienced on and off while i was a child. i am skeptical of diagnosises and im not sure what the correct one should be as i know there has always been all the signs of someone suffering from a mental illness and recennly i am terrified i am losing my mind completely as i havve starteed getting the following symptoms:

1. moments (fleeting but regular) of extreme confusion and forgetfullness
2. visual hallucinations....alot of stuff out of the corner of my eyes and then very strange vivid experiences that i suddenly realise is not happing (for example worryingly the other day i was driving on the motorway and i suddenly thought for a brief moment that i was standing outside my old house in ireland and luckily i realised it was not real very fast cause i was drifting between lanes)
3. paranoia and suspicion ( related to no 2 as i have seen this car following me a lot and its been pointed out to me that its not real)
4. brain zaps all the time and sleep paralysis almost every time i do sleep
5. newfound hatred of food
6. i feel uneasy and fearful all the time
7. heard voices taunting me and calling out to me
8. been bothered by perssistant noises in my head music sometimes
9. spells of intense shaking mainly in my hands and torso
10. sensitive to light in a way i have never experienced

they come and go but its getting worse and worse and my quality of life is suffering greatly and i have self injured again and had thoughts of suicide which i havent in almost a year

i know enough about mental illness to have fully convinced myself that i have some kind of psychotic disorder...is that it? could it be related to the bipolar or ptsd or do i even have them?
im so confused and scared i am a creative person and i need my brain

i know i cant diagnose myself this way but if anyone could give me any ideas what could be going on here

i cant trust my own head to even show me the real world anymore sometimes

i just want to at least know what it is and what i can do to treat it

i currently take a mood stabiliser, anti depressandt and anti anxiety meds

thanks

Ballerina123 · 07-05-2016, 02:02 PM

Hey
I'm so sorry your suffering with these symptoms.
It is possible to experience these symptoms with your diagnosis.

However I would speak to a health professional to get a proper diagnosis and treatment.

Try not to worry too much about what it is called. Getting the symptoms treated effectively is likely the best way to go rather than fixation on a specific diagnosis.

But it does sound like you should think about calling your Dr or health professional to ease your difficulties.

bjm5225 · 07-05-2016, 02:34 PM

thank you for such a fast response i guess i just want something to call it cause it makes me see it as something i can treat....i am trying to figure out how to reach out to my doctor but i feel crippled and i find it hard to communicate....i feel embaressed and i know telling my doctor will be even more embaressing than this right now and it makes me tearful knowing how embaressing it is so maybe i should try and find other ways i can manage myself...i dont feel safe even driving to an appointment and i cant look after myself at all...its pathetic and i dont wanna be that pathetic person at the doctors office i was on such a good streak for once at least in comparision to the rest of my life i dont see what i did to cause this right now

Ballerina123 · 07-05-2016, 06:54 PM

Are you on medication/taking it regularly?

There are ways to self manage if you feel that's what you want to do but getting professional advice and help may help you even more.
You may need a review of your medication or a assessment for theraphy time help you learn self management skills

Have you had theraphy before? If so what kind x

bjm5225 · 09-05-2016, 10:22 AM

yes im on lamotrogine, mirtazipine and clonazepam and taking them every day.
i have gone to therapy a lot of times in my life but the only time ive gone back to the same therapist more than once was when i had too in hospitals...i think a combination of finding it hard to trust them enough to share and being too overwhelmed by self conciousness has made it so ive never "properly" told a therapist the things i probably needed to and i leave feeling dissapointed....its not getting any easier and i honestly think at the stage im at its not just a cop out that i dont work on it...im just truly unable...even on here im horrificly embaressed after i post but its easier than in person cause at least i dont have to feel as exposed or have to worry about the fact i cannot even look a person in the eye and be honest about what my life is like....i keep thinking ive been okay for a while now untill recently but i see how i have not been a functioning human for a very long time.....

im really really finding it hard to see the point in trying when i never get close to where i want to be or who i want to be...i cant be real with anyone...this is the furthest ive gotten in asking for help for a long time and i just cant get the belief that im annoying everyone on this forum out of my mind

i see how its irrational but i really do think that people probably talk about me on this forum through private messages

i just dont see how im supposed to justify the point in trying to overcome or deal with or manage a sickness that i dont think i ever will be succesfull at doing so

not everyone does so there is no guarantee

its embaressing not being able to even look after myself in the most basic ways and i just cant process what has happened in my life especially my childhood...its a kind of grief really aswell as i feel like im mourning the loss of my life cause up untill now its been 95% utterly horrible....i try and see the bright side but maybe for me there just isnt one

a lot of people in the world dont have a chance and i think in the west its just assumed that we all do...so what if i dont and realise it at the end of a long life of suffering

im ranting i dont mean to be negative i wish i had somone in my life left that could help me but then again would i even have the confidence to accept it? i dont think you get many great oppurtunities in life and ive let the few ive had pass

ive left alot just slip away into the forever of time

out of reach and of no consequence bar regret

my heart goes out to everyone in this place because mental illness is no jokes and you are all a source of inspiration...every story and comment i read...its beautiful but so so bleak too...i wish you all didnt have to go through what you do...the ones who arent managing or in recovery or whatever are just as much heroes in my mind as the ones who do...your still alive so you havent give up and honestly that thought for everyone in the world who hasnt given up is the thing that stops me from ending my life...i wish we all had a guarantee but then again thats just how the world is