Close to giving up and giving in Please Help

Uglyducklin · 03-04-2016, 06:59 PM

I'm sorry to post again I have deleted a couple of threads because I don't deserve support or time or to live but I will try to leave this one up. I'm struggling to be in this FAT body, I feel invaded and I feel so aggressive towards myself it is hard to sit still. The flashbacks are relentless and so distracting it is hard to concentrate. I'm dissociating a lot and have become more impulsive. Impulsivity is not normal for me. I'm self harming superficially numerous times a day to punish myself and stay grounded. I'm not cutting to deep because if people found out I might need it stitched and then I'm a wasting time that someone needs. The shame and fat are suffocating. My eating disorders nurse is adamant I am fine in spite me trying to explain I'm not and I'm struggling with huge urges to run and disappear. My doctor after I spoke to someone out of hours it took so much to do this but I didn't want to overdose and hurt my mum says HTT won't help because I find being at home hard so waiting in the house for an appointment would worsen my mental state. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want from this thread I don't feel worth saving. I don't know I just need to know its ok to reach out may be ? Sorry its long

queer axolotl · 03-04-2016, 10:38 PM

I know you may not believe this, but you ARE worth saving. It's more than okay to reach out, that's what RYL is here for. Whatever you need, I and all the other members are here for you and we will try our best to catch you when you fall and give you a safe and comfy landing. I hope you feel better soon and remember, storms don't last forever.

Uglyducklin · 04-04-2016, 11:30 AM

Thank you queer axolotl ( cool username by the way) . I don't know I have trauma therapy today and I'm sitting in Starbucks trying not to cry. I need to do my therapy homework but the thought of it makes me cringe. I need to journal too for therapy but even that feels to much. I re-homed my horse to retire four years ago this week and the guilt is terrible not a day goes by I don't miss him and he was the last living link to my Dad other than my mum. The flashbacks are awful I'm fighting urges not to cut I had a dental X-Ray and triggered me so much. I just don't know anymore. Sorry I'm making no sense.

Uglyducklin · 05-04-2016, 05:15 PM

Please help I feel so fat and violated and lost. The only thing I can do is put stuff off put off running but off overdosing but it's hard. My team don't believe me because I am putting behaviours off for now. I know I don't deserve support but I'm scared. I can't hold on forever.

Uglyducklin · 05-04-2016, 08:31 PM

I deserve nothing but still. I'm tired and I'm afraid and I wish there was nothing left. I just ****ing hurt.

Uglyducklin · 06-04-2016, 04:33 PM

I can't believe it. A foal I work with died last night I am so devastated. I just left visiting his owner she is so grief-stricken. I can't stop going over what I could have done. I told her repeatedly to get the vet and I'm sure I could have done more and now a beautiful foal is dead. I hate myself. I want the fat gone. One minute I feel dead the next I can't stop crying. I held it together with client but I am a mess now.

Uglyducklin · 06-04-2016, 08:33 PM

I'm sorry to post again I'm downing in shame and overdose thoughts are getting strong and I'm so ashamed to admit them. I hate myself I feel so responsible for the death of the foal. It has brought up so much about loss. It hurts so much. Xx

Doikers · 06-04-2016, 09:59 PM

You really do deserve support 'Ducklin , PM me if need be?

Uglyducklin · 06-04-2016, 10:03 PM

Thank you for your kindness Doikers I just feel utterly worthless right now

Uglyducklin · 07-04-2016, 05:45 PM

I am disgusting fat and hideous. I'm ashamed to admit I am having overdose urges and I don't know what's wrong with me I shouldn't admit it I should just do it . I'm not a person I'm a fat hideous monster. X

Uglyducklin · 08-04-2016, 01:22 PM

I feel so bloody impulsive? What is wrong with me . I'm scared by the thoughts in my head. My weight has come down but I desperately want to disappear I don't know anymore. The thoughts are too much .

Uglyducklin · 09-04-2016, 09:25 PM

I feel so low and FAT and afraid . I don't feel human. I need to disappear. I fail at everything . I'm so sorry. I am so ashamed of my urges :(

Cacoethes · 09-04-2016, 09:41 PM

Hey. There's no need to apologise and no need to feel ashamed.
Is there anyone you could call, sometimes it can help talking on the phone.
If not then could you use some distractions or maybe try and get some sleep and see how you feel tomorrow?
Sorry if that wasn't helpful.
Hang in there lovely x

Uglyducklin · 09-04-2016, 10:59 PM

Thanks Becky I'm just a mess. I keep compromising and making behaviours smaller but I'm exhausted. I'm falling apart and I want to give in because it hurts. The memories are too much. I feel like if I gave in and someone found me or had to treat me I'm taking time away from someone who needs it and it is hard to hold on. I have to work tomorrow and I'm in pieces . Thank you again for your kindness xx

Uglyducklin · 10-04-2016, 07:05 PM

I am exhausted. I got through work. I feel so numb and dead I am either so emotional or numb and dead. Mostly numb and dead. I would give anything to feel something. The images are too much it is so hard to focus. I need it to stop. I don't want to be in this Fat body anymore. I wish there was nothing left. I still have urges I'm pathetic for verbalising it I should shut up. I'm so afraid. Tired and afraid.

Selicera · 10-04-2016, 09:44 PM

I feel like this might not be very helpful as I am low on words, but please know that you are a strong person for getting through work despite everything you're going through at the moment.
Don't have a solution, but I know how miserable it can make you feel when you think you don't have a right to vent to anyone..you are NOT pathetic and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Try to be patient with yourself, the numbness (if that's a word) will go away when your mind doesn't need it to cope anymore I think.

Uglyducklin · 10-04-2016, 09:49 PM

Thank you. You don't how much your words mean.

Uglyducklin · 11-04-2016, 04:44 PM

I'm so fat and pathetic. I just left trauma therapy I was so numb but I feel like I could cry. I feel so destructive but I'm so selfish I should stop saying it and just do it. I hate myself so much right now.

Uglyducklin · 12-04-2016, 06:20 PM

I am fat disgusting and out of control . I'm scared really terrified and i just hurt. I am wrong to reach out here . I should do this alone and not burden everyone.

Uglyducklin · 13-04-2016, 04:55 PM

I am fat and selfish and less than human. I don't deserve tor each out. This is tearing me up inside and I haven't felt so afraid or truly alone in years . I am so utterly ashamed of my thoughts and urges. I can't do this anymore.