So my favourite passed.
He back handed me twice last week but I knew that was the illness. And then on Tuesday he was going. And I sat with him.
Wednesday he was gone.
I know I'm not supposed to get attached to them. But he was like me.
His meds gave him terrible permanent side effects so he ended up off them and in care.
When ill, he used to say I'm dead. He looked so frightened at times and I'd push The Rn to treat it. Sometimes they would. Unfortunately it didn't really work. But I was hoping enough PRN would lead to actual treatment of that aspect.
I'll go to the funeral. I promised I'd tell him the truth and that I'd tell him when he really was dead.
Not sleeping much.
Not tired at night.
Other issues are pale in comparison to this right now. My inability to admit to anyone in real life that anything is wrong. That the voices hiss louder around people. That my life is in shambles. That I'm too chicken to do or say anything to change it.
Cant even bring myself to take the meds. Multitude of reasons. Him, and him, I don't deserve to feel ok, don't wanna end up like him, there's no point, the guilt
I deserve to be tortured by the shadows of my mind.
I forgot how I got here. Maybe all the trauma is a figment of my imagination.
Maybe everything is.
Its late. I should attempt to sleep.
...I try to outsmart him, but somehow he knows,
Wherever I am, that f***ing dog goes... - Dog, Andy Bull
No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer, or inflict. - Amenadiel, Lucifer
Why is the path unclear,
When we know hope is near
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
~~Margo is my penguin 🐧!!! ~~
Caring and getting close is just human nature and everyone in your business succumbs to it.
Although painful I think it's important you can tKe a step back and realise that you were there for him and you did your best for him. No one could have asked for more.
This is something to be learned from and I am certain it will help you later it our career.
As for not telling people your own worries the that's not good is it?!?
I know you find it excruciatingly hard but there is a way.
Pm if you want to chat
Lots of love
Matthew xx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Had another monkey going spare so, yu'know, thought I'd send him your way. He's called Irene and he's suffering from a few issues; gender mostly but then what young monkey isn't these days.?!?
He likes snooker and the paintings of Lucien Freud.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Managed to down my meds for three days. YAY.
Hi Irene. We shall climb some trees soon. Don't mind the chickens, they don't bite. Except David and Bowie, they might, but are more likely to run.
Just flat and tired now. Waiting for the next wave of whatever.
...I try to outsmart him, but somehow he knows,
Wherever I am, that f***ing dog goes... - Dog, Andy Bull
No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer, or inflict. - Amenadiel, Lucifer
Why is the path unclear,
When we know hope is near
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
~~Margo is my penguin 🐧!!! ~~
Keep trying and keep trying to contact the docs. Perhaps lean on us for support and a friendly push n the right direction. I know most of the time we don't want to hear it but slowly it does sink in.
Big hugs.
xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Made an appointment for the second
Crappy day.
Struggling to find reasons not to hurt myself.
Was fuzzy. Now mainly couldn't be firetrucked to exist.
I'm exhausted. Relax music is making thing blurry.
...I try to outsmart him, but somehow he knows,
Wherever I am, that f***ing dog goes... - Dog, Andy Bull
No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer, or inflict. - Amenadiel, Lucifer
Why is the path unclear,
When we know hope is near
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
~~Margo is my penguin 🐧!!! ~~
Well done sweetheart. I know it's really ****ing hard xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Managed to hold it together. Girls birthday soon. Cant do that to her.
Kicking myself for making uni hard this year.im in less of an able state than last year.
Work was better but staying in a house with no people is getting to me I think.
...I try to outsmart him, but somehow he knows,
Wherever I am, that f***ing dog goes... - Dog, Andy Bull
No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer, or inflict. - Amenadiel, Lucifer
Why is the path unclear,
When we know hope is near
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
~~Margo is my penguin 🐧!!! ~~
