When does struggling become relapse?

Bellatrix · 02-01-2016, 10:11 PM

The past few weeks I've been struggling a lot with eating enough. I'm managing to maintain a facade that I'm fine around other people but even that's slipping.

I don't know anything about my weight as I've not weighed myself in months.

I don't know. When does this become a relapse? How much do I need to worry.

I *am* worrying already. I'm trying to make changes but it's like a block. I physically can't make myself eat enough.

I want to be thin. I want to lose weight. I think I'm fat and I hate my body. I don't want to start purging again, god, I really don't. I'm sure I won't slip up in that respect.

But the anorexia. It's loud. I don't feel like I can fight it anymore. I feel like I've been taken over again.

Uglyducklin · 02-01-2016, 10:47 PM

Hi Jodie I think if you are worried it would be worth telling your team to catch you before it spirals. I know this is easier said than done but you have worked incredibly hard. Please don't feel you need to suffer in silence or really deteriorate before you ask for help. Sorry if this wasn't much use. Thinking of you .

Bellatrix · 02-01-2016, 11:02 PM

HTT have been asking me about my eating whenever they come. And I've been mostly honest. I've not been honest about the thoughts I'm having, just the actual food I have eaten.

I'll try to bring it up with E when I see her on monday. I'm not sure I'll be able to though - along with the anorexic thoughts have come the 'rules' around secrecy and hiding things.

random.swirls · 02-01-2016, 11:17 PM

What can you do to make it easy to tell her?

Could you email or text or write it down so you can tell her?

Also if she is an NHS therapist she will have access to your crisis team notes so she may have seen comments about your food intake.

Do you think you can try and stop this before it gets to bad?

Bellatrix · 02-01-2016, 11:24 PM

Yeah she'll have read my notes. Hopefully that will mean a dialogue about it is started as I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to bring it up.

It's not that I don't want to tell her, I do. It's that the voices are telling me bad things will happen if I break the rules and talk about the behaviours I'm doing and the thoughts I'm having.

I'm trying to fight it as much as I can. I'm just so so scared of bad things happening if I don't follow the rules and part of me want to lose the weight because I'm really at a noticeably large weight right now and it upsets me a great deal. I feel unsafe in this body. I want my breasts to reduce and my stomach and thighs to be smaller. I'm too sexual like this.

I feel so stuck. On one hand I don't want to go back to being really ill all the time but on the other hand I do. I'm confused.

stephsparkle · 03-01-2016, 02:31 AM

Hi sweetie,

I think your doing the right thing by getting some help with your eating issues. I know I dont know you as well as others on the site but you a strong, brave person and I know that despite you struggling with not just your eating you still try which is amazing.

I know that talking about food is difficult and how the voice in your head controls not only what you do but say too. The only advice that I can give you is to try to be as open as you can with your team. I'm currently trying to do that myself and hope that it works for me. If you need anything please let me know

Steph

Bellatrix · 09-01-2016, 11:21 PM

I'm struggling to eat well in hospital. I eat at set times but very small amounts. I'm struggling to get support with eating more because I don't want to eat more. I want to lose weight
They have me on a food and fluid chart and it's really triggering me because they either watch everything I eat or,worse, ask me to recount what I've eaten in a day.
I do t know how to cope. I don't want to relapse but I do at the same time.