Contains sexual abuse - Shame around pain , discomfort and physical sensation . Does anyone else have this ?
Hi guys I am sorry to post and this is a bit odd and hard for me to describe as I'm so ashamed it makes me cringe even as I'm typing! I have been discussing with my eating disorders nurse how hard I find it to care for myself or feel I deserve to not hurt. Somethings are harder than others. My stomach or anything to do with my gut I find incredibly difficult and I will ignore pain until it is so unbearable I can't hide it. It reminds me of the trauma and I feel I need to hide it so people don't know. Which is odd because my team at least now know about what has happened! Does anyone else find this hard?
My mum once said to me 'You'd rather have your arm cut off than admit it hurts'. If I can help it I don't show pain due to my childhood trauma. If I express pain I feel ashamed and weak.
Do you want to tell us what your thoughts and feelings are in relation to pain?
xx
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Thank you Lavalamp . I just feel so ashamed I could squirm and like I deserve to suffer and be punished. There is something about abdominal pain that makes this feeling even worse whether it's because this area hurt when I was abused I don't know. I feel so desperately destructive and low I am sitting in Starbucks fighting hard not to cry or get tools to self harm. I started work processing nightmares on Monday and I think it is just hitting me now. Thank you all for your replies.
I'm sorry to post again I'm a bit of a wreck I have just got home I dissociated quite badly and ended up sitting outside a shop sobbing and frozen on Regents Street! I hate myself so much I wish I didn't have a body. I feel so unsafe. I don't know what to do ?
I'm sorry to post again I'm a bit of a wreck I have just got home I dissociated quite badly and ended up sitting outside a shop sobbing and frozen on Regents Street! I hate myself so much I wish I didn't have a body. I feel so unsafe. I don't know what to do ?
Aww:( So sorry you are feeling this way!!
I get this. Especially when you said it's probably because that's when you hurt when you were abused...that's probably a huge trigger for you, so it's normal if it sets you off. It still sucks, I know!
For me it's being sick(long story)...so whenever I get sick it's like it's triggering and it makes me remember too much, and sometimes I get physically cold and my body feels like everything hurts, and my mind just panicks, I feel in so much pain in the present, that everything just "blurs" and feels so far. *(bit of dissociation for me as well, I suppose)
You said you started work on nightmares Monday, is that connected to the abuse? If yes, than once again, that is a very healthy reaction. When you start digging into things you previously avoided, it does put more pressure on you, and it does get you back into feeling whatever you bottled up...so for a while you may have more anxioety and you may be more open to triggers. It's the messy part of the recovery process:/
That's all I can tell you, it's normal. I know it's hard, and triggering and it hurts, but try to keep up, do coulselling, therapy, whatever you're doing, and keep going. It should ease up after a while. Huuugs
Thank you for your lovely message. Yes the nightmares are trauma related. I'm petrified of being sick. I suppose yes I get a lot of general pain usually in the form of headaches but tonight it was the part of my body it is hard to mention and I feel so scared and ashamed. Thank you again for being so kind
I'm sorry to post again I think things are deteriorating I had a panic attack and ended up curled up sobbing in Regents Street everything came flooding back and I felt so helpless. I don't know how to be in my body. Everything is painful and I'm ashamed to admit how much it hurts. I should be coping and I'm not. Sorry to post again .
It sounds like you are really struggling at the minute and that is understandable. I know it can be really difficult, but early on when I was in therapy regarding my traumas I found the best things I could do was express my pain. I know this is what you're struggling with but pain is often lessened just by knowing we're not alone with it. You said you are doing processing work so I'm assuming you have a counsellor/therapist of some kind. Can you contact them to talk things through? Do you have anyone close to you whom you would feel safe sharing some of these things with? I often found that expressing the pain and emotions to another person helped me allow myself to actually feel it; it made it feel safer to sit with the pain and the emotions and acknowledge that they were there and felt awful, but also that they would pass.
Thank you. I see her tomorrow so I will mention it. I'm quite isolated between sessions and although I see an eating disorders nurse too there are aspects of my trauma she is unable to grasp ( totally not her fault) and we have been working on other stuff just as traumatic. I'm a little scared they won't believe me as I'm good at pretending I'm ok but I'm also aware I am using lots of behaviours to cope which isn't helpful. I just feel so disgusting fat and worthless and consumed by loss as I lost my dad on Christmas Day 2002. Sorry I'm just moaning. I want to ask for a crisis plan but I'm scared they will think I'm being dramatic. Sorry I have gone on so much.
It's okay to struggle. Everyone does, even people who haven't went through trauma in any way...but people like us who have, feel more reluctant to ask for help, because to us it means being vulnerable. Ask for what you need. You can not please everyone and not everyone will have the opinion about you that you want. I assure you, it's unlikely that anyone will think you're dramatic. But if they did, that is about them, not you. And you need to ask for what you need to get better. This is about your health and your ability to get better. So whatever, be "dramatic", do whatever you need to do to get better. Will you really leave one person's opinion define if you get better? it's okay to ask for help.
Also...I've noticed this in myself as well. I would complain about something normal in regular life, of course a friend's reaction may be that I am overreacting...and then I would think that I am overreacting about what I went through as well, and not tell them. For years. And then when I did tell them their reaction was a lot more loving and symphatetic than I ever gave myself. Do not put this in one line with things like "I'm having a bad day". You went through some big things, you need to talk about what you need. Be open, and see the reaction you'll get, don't assume. Those things go out of the line of "regular" and "normal" problems. Sure, some people won't get it, but you need to gather people who get it around you. That will help you get better too.
And give the people around you some credit. May be they see you're not great, but you're trying to convince everyone and yourself that you are, so they are letting you be until you're ready to talk about it. I had more than one person who, when I finally opened up about things, admitted that they knew something's different, but since they asked and I was reluctant to talk more than once, they just let it be. And the whole time I thought I was hiding how I really am great. Sometimes people don't get into it, because they assume by your behavior that you don't want to/aren't ready to talk.
As far as pain goes...Healing requires going through the feelings you were avoiding until that point, so it may seem that trying to heal is just making it worse...but it isn't. It's just exposing things with which you didn't deal for a long time. So it's messy, and hard, and horrible...but you're also doing it for a good reason. For your health. For being better. To get healthy and happier again. To struggle a little less. To like yourself a little more.
Also if you need to talk more, feel free to PM me. I still have my own issues, but I am also doing better than before in some ways. So if I can help by listening/writing, I'd be happy to.
Thank you for your really kind words and taking the time to reply like this it means more than you know. I just feel so incredibly low and I think I will ask for a plan before it gets worse so that it is there if I need it. I have a session in an hour and a half I'm so nervous . My message box is always open to you as well.
I know how that feels. I have some low moments recently, just as I though I got out of that. I am trying to keep my head above water and hold onto the good. Sometimes I think I have succeeded and sometimes I think the opposite. How did the meeting go?
Thanks I'm sorry you are feeling so low. It was tough I just don't know. I'm feeling physically unwell and I'm just so exhausted my sleep is appalling. I just feel so unsafe. I'm thinking of taking some Medes and sleeping I can't stand being in but I feel too ill to move !
Thanks I'm sorry you are feeling so low. It was tough I just don't know. I'm feeling physically unwell and I'm just so exhausted my sleep is appalling. I just feel so unsafe. I'm thinking of taking some Medes and sleeping I can't stand being in but I feel too ill to move !
It will pass, I'm sure. Sleep if you need to, but if you can, try to do something. For example, I used to take walks. I would put music I like on really high on mp3 and then walk around a park I know that wasn't too crowded so I had more space to relax. I had to push one feet in front of the other, and I felt sick-lish the whole time, but it was always a good feeling that I managed at least that.
I'm sorry to post again I am reeling from how badly my appointment with my eating disorders nurse went she is usually amazing but so I just must be a terrible fat monster. She said I leak trauma like ink and infect those around me, I live in the past I tried to explain that is what complex PTSD is and she said that trauma therapy helps nobody because it focuses on the past and I am too attached to my mum her words were every time I mention separating from your mum you look like I ripped the head off your teddy bear. I just feel devastated. I really need to hurt myself but I'm trying not too. I'm truly awful as she is brilliant normally.
I'm sorry to keep posting. My body is really hurting and my mind feels bombarded by images of trauma. I'm so ashamed I think I should stop seeing my eating disorders nurse as I'm too fat I do not deserve it and I can't think because the feelings are huge . I feel I'm buckling under them mentally and physically. I deserve to hurt. I'm sorry I'm waffling.
![[Luna]'s Avatar](image.php?s=d07ea9f93601885237b16efd23279419&u=32920&dateline=1692390196)
