To anyone who is reading this...firstly thank you. I was brought up in a family where emotions were banned, crying earned you humiliation and the title of bringing shame on the family.
I learnt from a very early age, that if I was going to survive in this world, I had to do it alone and accepting who I was meant losing the people I thought were supposed to love you choose what.
I also learnt that when someone reaches out to you - friend OR stranger, it is a wonderful gift and not to be taken for granted for a second.
So thank you, for reaching out by taking the time to read this and listen to me when I feel quite alone.
I self harmed for 8 years. It all but broke me inside, and I was never happier than the day I finally released all the reasons I was doing it in the first place. The guilt I felt about being here went away, I couldn't change the fact I wasn't wanted as a child but I could change my future. I could make sure the same never happened to another child.
It was hard but I pulled my life back together and started training to be a teacher. If I could do anything with my life, it would be to make sure no other child felt unwanted, when they were in my care, they would know just how important and special they are in this world.
If I could just prevent one child from going into the despair and fear I had lived with, it would be worth every minute of the tiring training.
A few months ago my university found out I self harmed, and now, they have made the statement that my past makes me mentally unfit to teach.
A danger to everyone around me, and have thrown me off the course.
All those years of pain just came flooding back, and my dreams went out the window with their discrimination.
I've always, always been able to control how I feel, and hide everything that hurt me but I can't do it anymore. It just hurts too much and all I can think about is SH. I am desparate not to do this but it's the only way I've known of coping for so long, and my heart is broken. I have no fight left in me.
I just want to stop hurting and I have no idea how to do that. This is pain I've never felt before.
I don't know....I guess I'm tired of being alone and I'm tired of being strong. I just want to fall down and cry but there's no one to catch me.
I'm sorry to have taken up your time and thank you so much for letting me share this. This site has given me so much support in the past, and it was like returning to somewhere I know is safe, somewhere I won't be penalised for being me.
If I can help anyone else in here, by sharing that same support, you have my undivided attention and I will listen to anything, any one of you wants to talk about.
im so so sorry.
there should be some type of law or something that protects you?
im not sure.
a few years ago, i was fired from a job after a coworke saw my scars and reported them. they claimed i was a danger to my patients....which was completely not true. it hurt for a long time.
i didnt fight it but now i wish i had. at the time i didnt feel strong enough and that was basically the incident that lead me to where i am today...living on disability for 3 years now.
if you have ANYTHING left in you....please please fight against this. it IS discrimination. i wish i could help more. this type of thing really angers me.
Hey hoping,
I'm sorry that you had to struggle growing up, and I'm so impressed that you have been able to come out of a place where you were not treated well, and rather than being hardened and cynical by that, you've turned your power and efforts to helping others. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote... I'm really passionate about respecting and valuing and helping kids, since I wasn't. And one of the things that helps me not SI is to think about the kids I work with that I'm a role model for, and that I would never want any of them to harm themselves. Anyway, I think you can be an amazing teacher, and that you will be much more sensitive and aware because of your background-- that doesn't make it ok, but at least you can turn some part of that to good. Anyway... I don't know where you are at university or what the rules are, but where I live anyway, a past history of self-injury is NOT grounds for kicking you out of a teaching-track program. And in fact I have worked with kids when I was self-harming, and less stable than I am now, and though some people in charge knew about it, it was clear to everybody that I would never do anything in front of the kids, and that I was never a danger to anyone but myself. To me, the way you are being treated sounds like terrible discrimination, and I'm sorry you're being treated that way. It's not right. First to suffer through an abusive childhood, to try to get over stuff, and then to be treated like a criminal for trying to do something good with your life ?!? It's awful. Do you have a therapist or something? Perhaps s/he can help you fight the school, by writing a letter saying something like that you are under appropriate care and are stable and deemed mentally fit to teach. Please try to stay safe and use the supports you have, friends and (hopefully) therapy. I know you're tired of fighting... but the best thing you can do for you (and for all the kids you can help as a teacher) is to get through this safely, and fight the system that's discriminating against you, and prove them wrong by being the most awesome teacher ever. It is okay to need to collapse a bit sometimes-- just make sure you get yourself in a safe, supportive environment. Talk about how you're feeling, to people who will treat you fairly. PM me anytime, and let us know how it goes.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
you sound like a very motivated, smart, articulate, and determined person and that is worth more than any university's seal of approval
as rachel mentioned i am sure that it is illegal to discriminate based on mental health/disability
could you transfer schools or contest it?
it sounds absolutely ridiculous just as everybody has said
i am sorry that growing up you felt that you had to hide yourself but if you can overcome that honey you are strong enough for anything
good luck and keep us posted
Thats terrible. If you can- fight it! Self harm doesnt make you an incompetent teacher, I hope you can teach soon. I'm thinking of you. Its a horrible thing to happen. xx
It seems to me that your experiences would make you more empathetic and sympathetic and the university would realize that.
Please fight this, for yourself and for the children you will help.
Please let us know how you are doing!
A hanky and hugs.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
To every single one of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Your support is so incredibly touching and I just wish I could give you all an enormous hug and thank you for believing in me, especially at a time when I can't believe in myself.
I just feel like I've had the stuffing knocked right out of me. This is the second year it has happened. They through me off last year too, which broke me in two. I passed my first teaching placement with flying colours, I just couldn't understand it.
They reconsidered and for 9 months I have believed I could finally make this happen and 2 weeks ago they changed their mind again and I've just crumpled.
I don't feel I've any fight in me left, I can't pick myself up off the floor and I've never been not been able to bounce back before. Just feels like they've ripped my heart out and stamped all over it. This isn't just a career to me, it's a passion and I know I could succeed in it if they'd just give me a chance.
I just keep crying, and can't stop, I think it's just a huge crisis of confidence and I can't cope with it anymore. Sorry, I must sound so hopeess. I'm trying to pull myself together but it just hurts so much.
I don't want to SI over this, because the logical part of my brain just knows it would be playing straight into their hands.
I will fight this. I will fight for my right to be here, I've been doing that all my life and I'm not stopping now. I just can't seem to find the strength to start.
Just want to crawl into a corner and cry for a bit.
Hi there
I suffer from mental illness problems too so you are not alone. I also think I want to become a teacher. The problem is that a lot of people wont accept me onto the course because of the illness. The link below however shows that they should not over look you because of a dissability. It is against the law. As long as you can proove you are stable and are recieving good treament then there truley is no reason why you cannot teach believe me. Click on the link and have a read, print it out and show it to your uni.
I would also suggest going to see the mental health co-ordinator to explain your problems. You should have a students union somewhere and you should ask to speak to the welfare officer. They can help you sort some of this out, liase with the tutors.
Do you have a personal tutor? What do they say about this? How has your standard of work been? Have you been turning up to all your lectures on time?
Alternitively could you ask for a break from studies and go back to it next term when you are fresher and more stable mentally? I don't know how you would feel about that or whether you feel it would benefit you? I took almost three years away from uni and have just started my final year. I am still have mental health problems and still in and out of hospital, but as long as the uni know they make allowances. This prooves that you can succeed in getting there.
Oh hunni, how awful!
And totally unfair! Is there someone you can talk to about this? It doesn't really seem like it should be legal, I mean, really. SH doesn't mean you are dangerous and there are many studies/papers that say that.
I'm sorry...I'm so, so very sorry. I wish I had some advice...
Good luck and many hugs
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
the most important thing is to be strong!
dont let this illness take over yourself right now
the real you needs to shine in all of its glory right now, with none of this illness dulling it up, so that these stupid people can see you for who you are and see your potential and finally realise that you were meant to do this and will be just lovely at it
dont give those morons the satisfaction of being right - dont let them get to you, it will only give them more ammunition and you are stronger than that anyway clearly seeing how far you have gotten in your life and your success in school
this illness makes us really doubt ourselves and it lets anything get in their and crumple our self-esteem, so keep that in mind and dont let these people have the power to make you doubt yourself
keep fighting this, they are SO wrong
update when you can
xxxooo
I wish I knew how to thank you all for your kindness and for your support. Knowing that people I have never met would get behind me and help me fight against a huge university, really gives me strength. Knowing you believe in me gives me the strength to fight and to try and keep my head above water.
I don't know which came as the bigger shock really, the decision uni made, or the effect it's had on me. You don't realise how much something means to you until it's taken away. Teaching wasn't just a career for me, it was a chance to make sure what happened to me never happened to another child. To try just to make a small difference and to try to give to other children the inspiration my teachers gave to me.
Selfish reasons I know, there is a whole world full of marvellous teachers out there.
I just never dreamt it would have this effect on me. I have never had a problem hiding my emotions before, never.
Now, I'm crying all the time, and I can't stop hurting which is so stupid. I thought I'd healed from all the old pain but it's like it never left me. I thought I'd conquered SH and it's been on my mind ALL day. I can't get it out my head. Everywhere I turn I'm finding references to it and what scares me the most is I know it would make me feel like I'd got rid of all the bad in me. I just want it out, I want to be a good person and I can't understand what I've done that is so wrong.
it's brought back so many memories and I can't go back there, I can't let them back in my life. I'm so scared.
Sorry, I have to go or I'll go on all night. I'm so sorry everyone.
I understand too. Four years ago i had to give up on the career for which i'd been planning and studying most of my life. My physical health just won't permit it. I spent an entire summer moping.
I wish I knew how to tell the world that people who si aren't violent towards others. I had an aa sponsor fire me last year because she was afraid for her physical safety after i si'd. Then she asked me when she needed help with something but that's another story...
I'm thinking of you
hugs
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
crying is good - it's therapeutic and normal and a sign that you are feeling your emotions and expressing them in a healthy way instead of letting them get pent up, pushing them down, and expressing yourself through SI
this is frustrating and sad and it is totally okay to cry
unfortunately SI is something that we will always remember and often think about even after recovery
it's always going to be a part of our lives, something that we learned from and something that overcoming made us stronger. don't beat up on yourself just because you let your mind think about it. you're allowed to think honey, and the important thing is that you think about it and then make the decision not to SI. you say that you feel like SIing will let you feel like you are getting the bad out of you, but you know that isnt true. the opposite is almost true, because we know that SI is a negative cycle and then the next time you feel sad you might think that you need to SI again but really it wont solve anything. get rid of the feelings another way - write out what you are thinking, or draw it, or call somebody and talk, or chat on here. the chat rooms are always open, and the forums, and you know you can PM me ;)
have you looked at the Moving Forward forum? there are a few vets in there as well as other people that have recovery on their mind, and a lot of people have been SI free for over a year and have some great suggestions and stories and a lot of support to give
be gentle on yourself Lou honey, you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. dont let a few ignorant, small-minded people have the power to make you lose confidence in yourself and question how far you have come.
update when you feel like you can
xxxooo
