If you knew you were going to be alone for the rest of your life..?

[Margo]

Would you end it??

Some people live perfectly happily alone but that's not what I'm talking about. Or is it? Well, I don't think it is anyway.

I feel alone. Like totally alone. Distant. Like a ven diagram but my circles don't cross over the others. I'm a small circle in the corner.

I honestly don't think I have the ability to feel loved. I don't think there is room in my head for it.

I'm not emotionally redundant. I'm not emotionally challenged either. I'm empathic and caring and very very loving outwardly to others. People seem to like me too. I'm not short of friends and have never been short of people wanting to be my friend either.

But I'm alone and lonely. I can't feel love.

As I'm alone more and more I wonder what's the point? No, really what's the point.

I'm not going to amount to anything and I'm going to be alone and unloved so why live?

I think I'll be like this till I die.

Should I try and shorten the suffering?

[mikey]

i care Matthew

[raining_inmyhead]

Hugs tight x

[Eir]

*squidges* oh Hun... I know it's dark now. But give it time. Fake it till you make it.

[Sketchy]

It sounds like you have a lot of people who care about you. This, however, doesn't take away that feeling of being lonely. I think being unwell can be isolating, even when around people, because it can feel like people don't fully understand and you are stuck with your own thoughts. But, things have got better before and can again. Please try take comfort in knowing you are loved and cared for by many people. You're obviously doing something right to be able to make plenty of friends. I'm sending hugs. *hugs*

[Zurg]

I wonder if it has always been like that....???? Or if there have been times where it felt like you could feel it just a little bit, the love????

I am not sure what to say. I think i struggle with the same thing. I do understand that people care about me but i am not sure i can really feel it, within myself. I do agree that it makes life unbearably lonely from time to time.

What i also think is that there is a n awful lot of attention on what love should feel like, what kind of love we should show each other and be shown in return. Sometimes i think it makes for unrealistic expectations. I wonder if you look at others and envy them their ability to feel loved???? I honestly think it's something a lot of people struggle with, so you are not alone in that respect. Though i doubt that's any comfort.

I do understand the loneliness. But i wonder if it is possible to live a good life anyway.....???? At the risk of sounding like a total knobhead, i have come to realise that there is an awful lot of things i won't experience or achieve in my life but maybe i can live a decent life anyway. The loneliness will always be there and the inability to accept/feel the love of others may persist but maybe it is possible to live in spite of that????

When things were ok, or at least better than they are now, did you still feel like your life is a hopeless project or a hopeless search for something you feel you might never find?????

Sorry for waffling on and on. I don't think you're unable to feel the love as such. I think you're probably scared to and have put a lot of obstacles in place to protect yourself. I also think that can be changed but it's probably going to take a long, long time.

[Margo]

Kat you are a knobhead but I love you xx

I was told I have to love myself first and then I can love and feel loved. I have to deal with my shame and come to terms with my imperfect s and vulnerability.

Sounds like bullshit to me.

I'm low but I'm distracted.

I still haven't grieved for my dog and that's worrying me. There's this barrier that gets thicker each time I approach it. It's getting stronger. I can see tears and hurt and fear and anger. I'm terrifirped to let it out.

I suck

[Eir]

*hugs*
I'm with you on the BS, but there is a valid point in there.
You are loved, it seems as though you don't feel as though you deserve it or you don't know what to do with it or you've been burned by it in the past. So youve closed off from it. Easier that way. Don't think you necessarily have to love yourself to feel loved. Just get to the point where you accept that there are nutjobs out there who care for some strange unknown reason.
You'll grieve when you're ready. Things have been crappy, so you're protecting yourself. There is no time limit on grief. And no right way to grieve. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance do not have a steady, predictable progression, nor do you have to have every stage. Or grieve the same way each time. It's more of a way of categorising an experience than a strict set of rules.
Take care penguiy

[Margo]

Thanks X

It's almost 6 months since I took and overdose and over 6 since I cut myself. I'm not as bad as I was or have been. Even though I feel normal people keep treating me like I'm more depressed than I feel. Saw an mht person yesterday who was reticent to push me towards finding work again. Just told me to take it easy and try to do things I enjoy. I told him I need a push. He said he's not good at pushing.

I should grow up. I'm ****ing old enough for gods sake.

Years ago if dream of suicide and imagine all the faces at my funeral hoping to see what they said about me and if they really liked me. Now when I dream of it I don't care what they say anymore I just care about the damage I'd do and trying to find the perfect time or place. (I know this does not exist)

I've failed myself so badly all my life. I have nothing for my parents to be proud of. I'm never spoken of. I have no family to show them and time is running out.

The angry voice that followed me for years isn't there now either. Now the voice is calm and reasoning. It undoes all I want or need or like. And I believe it Cus it makes sense. It's not nasty to me anymore but it's not nice either. However, I trust it more tha. I trust anything or anyone else.

Sorry for the waffle. I suck I know and I'm just craving attention too.

I've been here long enough to know better. Dunno where else to go though or who else to tell. Not for the fact I have no one to tell because I do. It just that they've heard it a hundred times before and I know they hate it.

[Eir]

You don't suck. Promise.
Some might see it as attention seeking, but I tend to think of it as genuine cry for help.
With regards to work, is there anything you think you'd like to do? Or is there a job seeking service that would be understanding of limitations you might have? I had an awesome one that helped me get to the point I was able to apply for my current job. As much as I whinge about it lately, I do love it. Having a job I love has been helpful to my mental health, as opposed to an "any job" which have landed me in hospital.
I shall push you, get a job you love. Not an "any job". They are useless. You need to get one you like. Money means everything if your miserable making it. If your happy, you don't need as much. That sounded better in my head but I can't make it make sense, do you understand what I'm trying to say?
Go get THE job!!!
Wuv ya
Anna

[Margo]

Yeah it makes sense.

The problem with me is I don't know what I want. I loved what I did before albeit I hated how it was run but I had my own autonomy and I was the only one who knew what I was doing. Now I'm scared to re enter that world as I know things would be different and more difficult.

I slept most of yesterday. Today I got up and went for a walk. Now I'm home I feel so tired again. I know this is the depression and I scared of it.

I'm such a ****.

I go away tomorrow for a week. That will be nice and I'll be safe too

I need a miracle

[Eir]

*hugs* nothing helpful to say right now unfortunately, but just wanted you to know I read it.
Take care penguiy

[Margo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Epic

Have you ever felt loved?

Maybe. A long time ago? I really don't know. But I don't think so.

I need shooting

[Margo]

I don't feel that depressed if I'm honest and I really don't think it would make much difference.

I find it hard to imagine. I used to fantasise all the time about dying and floating among the mourners at my funeral hoping to hear them say nice things. Maybe then I'd know if they really cared or not. Stupid, I know.

But then I am stupid and I need to grow up.

X

[Eir]

*squidges*

[Sketchy]

Hey, just wondering how you are?

[Margo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sketchy

Hey, just wondering how you are?

Thank you.

I'm ok but all over the place. I feel quite low but I'm trying to not slip too far down. Therapist and support team now all pushing for me to do something for myself. Only problem is I don't know how and they say I want the answers but have to sort it myself. So it's hard, you know?

But I'm trying.....

[Sketchy]

That is hard. Many of us are at a loss as to what we want or what will help.

Pushing you to do something for yourself is rather vague and open, so have a think about what you enjoy, what helps, like your cycling. Or even a small thing. It's such a hard thing to think about and rather overwhelming, but it's good that you are speaking to your team.

[Eir]

Well done for trying.
Sorry haven't been round much. Been all over the place myself.
You've got one up one me, I still am finding it impossible to seek professional help.
Hope things improve for you.
You'll figure it out.
Take care