I sit here and I feel myself dissociating from my body. I feel so unreal as if I purly am nothing more then the body that I am inside. My thoughts more like dreams...my actions more like a movie playing in slow motion. I just feel like I am slipping..losing grip from reality. My thoughts irrational. I hear voices inside my head, that I have tried to subdue for a long time. They make me hate myself, and because I hate myself I hurt myself and even contemplate suicide. I am trying to regain control and pull myself out of this rut. Yet all I can think about is cutting, oding, or trying a new way to attempt suicide.
All of my methods of self-distruction have been taken away from me. Which is a good thing because I dont trust myself to stay safe. Yet because they are gone, its like I am totally out of control again. My mom said that I have to earn all my priviledges back, but I am almost 22 years old. She told me that i am suppose to be getting better, and I am getting worse. I guess I just feel like a failure in everything I do. I mean I tried to commit suicide last week by ODing, I was even hospitalized. Yet it still wasnt enough.
I was suppose to call to start therapy again, but I didnt. I guess taking the first step is the hardest. I am just looking for the strength and encouragement to do it.
When she lowers her eyes she seems to hold all the beauty in the world between her eyelids; when she raises them I see only myself in her gaze. - Unknown
You're right that the first step is the hardest. But after breaking the ice initially, anything can be accomplishd from there after. Most people think that therapy is rubbish and doesn't work. Everyone has their own experiences with it. My experience is that it is better to talk to someone about how you feel and the reasons behind why you feel that way, instead of feeling that you have to keep it all inside. Keeping things locked away only makes them harder to get to later on and they get so buried inside us that the pain to get them out into the open can sometimes be too much. I'm not sure of why you feel the way you do, please PM if you need to talk, I'll always listen. The one thing that you need to concentrate on at the moment is getting better and looking after yourself. One day at a time, one foot at a time. We'll walk the road to recovery together. You have a great support network here, all you have to do is ask and someone will help you in any way they can.
nicolefin said some very good advice.
I'm wishing you the best of luck to taking your first step on the road to recovery. The path might seem bleak at times or even damn right scary but keep strong, you can beat this. Call apon us at any time you need to. take it slowly and don't expect things to be better right away. It takes time, but that time spent will be totally worth it.
xxx Take care.
im sorry i dont have much advice for you...hang in there and tlk to someone you trust. the first step is the hardest, you gotta make it though if you want help. take care of yourself
hey, im sorry that youre having such a hard time right now *hugs*
starting therapy is hard, that first step is huge but it is so worth it.
take care x x x
Thank you for everyone's advice, encouragement and hugs. I am right at this minutes sitting and staring at my phone, debating to pick up and make the call. I get very anxious thinking about it. Ahh it started ringing!!!
When she lowers her eyes she seems to hold all the beauty in the world between her eyelids; when she raises them I see only myself in her gaze. - Unknown
hey dont really know what to say thats not been said. pm me anytime if you want to talk. big squishy hugs of encouragement, you can get through this.
love b x
Well I started to take the first step. I called the number but it went to voicemail. I didnt leave a message. I guess all that anxiety I just felt was for nothing. I have to do it all again. :( I feel sick to my stomach.
When she lowers her eyes she seems to hold all the beauty in the world between her eyelids; when she raises them I see only myself in her gaze. - Unknown
