My depression and everything else probably wouldn't be so bad if my anxiety wasn't so awful all the damn time, so I'm starting to get really pissed off at my CPN/others who refuse to give me medication, and keep demanding that I speak to them instead when they _know_ that my anxiety gets so severe I can't speak, but then they just say if I don't talk they won't help.
On top of that, he (CPN) keeps asking what makes me happy, I must have things that make me happy, and he asks what interests I have and I've tried and tried to explain to him that I don't know, and that I can't feel happy and I can't follow my interests at the moment, but he doesn't ****ing listen!!
He won't pay attention to me. I told him that part of the reason I'm so bad at the moment is because I can't do the things that I'm interested in, that I would love to do, or that make me happy in any way, not just because I'm depressed, but because the anxiety is so bad, and that makes the depression worse, which probably makes the anxiety worse, and it's a downward spiral.
And I'll be right there, staring at people doing the things that I wish so much that I could join in on, but I'm so, so afraid, and I want to die right then and there because it's gone on too long and I have no life. I can't do anything I want to do, I can't live, I can't breathe, so I may as well be dead. Even things I do on my own, there's no joy in it, just an emptiness that's sickening.
With regards to can't speak an you wrote it down? There's an app on iphone called emergency text and you am have a convo by writing things down on your phone.
Sorry you feel crummy. Ill reply to this properly later. But take care.
Ballerina123 - My lovely superstar
Call me R -
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time - Abraham Lincoln
Thanks for responding.
I don't have an iphone. But it wouldn't matter, by can't speak, I kinda mean when you get all locked in your body and can't really communicate in any way. I've tried to write in that state, but even with someone I trust and who has a calming presence it doesn't come out legible, or the words are all stuck somewhere and I can't think beyond "Help me help me help me...", or the subject is triggering and I dissociate badly or have a flashback. But that's going too far, what I want is for them to listen to the things that I able to say. They have a starting point, something to work from, and they ignore it. My anxiety was already really bad, and now it's getting worse, but they wont do anything. I can't take much more of it.
Saw the cpn today, first time on my own, and I was crying the whole time I was so scared and couldn't communicate with him. He's trying to find ways, I appreciate that, but it's not happening, and I don't know what to do. He keeps talking about "the positive", about goals, and where do you want to be in a year, and who would you be everything went right, and it makes me feel sick and everything inside me starts to ache and it hurts so much thinking about these things, there's no way I can talk about them. I can't talk about the bad things either. I'm stuck. I'm so scared. And I'm going to die if I can't get out of this. but there isn't a way out that I see, and the "help" is too hard.
My support worker has offered to tell what he knows about me, and it may be the best option, I don't like it, I don't like the idea of someone talking about me, telling things I've told in private/confidence, things I don't tell anyone, I need to get over it and let him do the talking for now, but it twists my insides up. I told him because I have a ridiculous amount of trust in him. I feel safer with him than anyone, even my friend. I don't let anyone into my head like that.
Hang on, dear. I can relate to the feeling of being unable to communicate. If you have someone you can communicate with, and they can do the talking for you, that amazing! That's probably the best option. Or you can write a letter for your cpn beforehand, when you don't feel very anxious if you know what they are going to discuss with you about.
However, if you feel so uncomfortable around your CPN and they don't do anything to solve this issue, then maybe there's some way for you to talk to a different professional that might be more understanding?
