£1,280 to be honest. It was meant to all be paid back 6 weeks ago; she hasn't returned a single penny. It's excuse after excuse with her. I have talked to her, pleaded with her, explained my own financial situation and nothing has worked. Yesterday she was meant to give me £30 so I can buy food for my dog. I reminded her last night and she promised she'd put it in my bank today. Nothing.
Am I being unreasonable? I am actually getting extremely pissed off. Thing is, I feel guilty about getting frustrated because she is in hospital. But she sometimes owes other people money and she always pays them back before me, perhaps because I don't shout at her and get all demanding, but maybe I should? Right now I am ill and have blocked her phone as I do NOT want to talk to her as I will really lose my rag. It's not like it's £20 and she promises over and over again and then never keeps her word.
I have advised her many times to go to the CAB to get help with her finances but she is too proud and too stubborn.
I feel stupid and gullible and like a royal idiot for having lent her it all in the first place, but it was a bit at a time in response to her crying about not having anything for cigs or x or y and I just gave in. Now I honestly don't know what to do.
Any help please?
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I don't think you are being unreasonable, I would be p'ed off too.
I think you need to sit down with her and work out a payment plan and suggest she sets you up a standing order of what she can afford each week or month.
Maybe focus on getting smaller chunks paid back - start with the £80 then the £200.
I understand not wanting to confront her whilst ill, but maybe being sharp with her and then calmly trying to work it would work so she knows you are being serious.
Do you have any friends in common, that you could all sit down and talk to her about her finances?
You're not being unreasonable. The fact she pays others back but not you speaks volumes and I can empathise. It might be good to tow a hard line with her if you feel able, even though you absolutely shouldn't have to.x
Thank you both. We don't really have any close friends in common and I haven't seen her in person since I came out of hospital 4 months ago. I cannot drive and it's a long way on public transport which I find really stressful. We speak at least daily. Last week I'd really had it so told her I wanted a 'break'. The first phone call after that break was fine. She promised to start paying me back. A few hours later she was moaning to me about money again, asking me to lend her more when I'd just told her how much I needed her to start paying me back! I don't want to go behind her back and speak to someone at the hospital about this as I don't want to betray her trust and hurt her.
I am going to leave her number blocked for tonight and see if I feel better tomorrow. This needs to get sorted but I have tried everything I can think of and nothing seems to leave a lasting impact. She'll get very apologetic and make promise after promise, but she never keeps any of them.
Sorry for moaning but this has been stressing me out for ages and I'm reaching the end of my tether.
Would it be reasonable to tell her I don't want any contact until she seriously starts to pay me back?
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Sometimes when money is owed, it seems easier to pay back others who are owed smaller amounts than tackle repaying the person who is owed the most, and over a grand is a lot of money! It might just be that she is feeling really overwhelmed by it and knows you are struggling financially and is dealing with it by not dealing with it.
Benefits tend to get cut off when in hospital so perhaps she isnt able to offer you anything at the moment?
None of this excuses it really, and its more than reasonable that you are upset and frustrated.
It unfortunately might be a case of having to put this down to experience and use it as a lesson learned to not lend people large amounts of money - I know it is tempting to want to help people but when it gets to such large sums of money it might be easier to just say 'sorry, unless you can pay me what you already owe I am not lending you anymore'.
Thank you. And yes, I have learned my lesson but I cannot myself afford to just write off this debt.
I might speak to her tomorrow and ask her to set up a direct debit of £100 a month. She is receiving benefits (£450 a month approx) so this should be doable for her and will mean the debt is paid off in a year.
Is this reasonable?
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Hey I had a recent enough situation like this too, I loaned him money because he was stuck (over a grand too) and he completely took the piss..finally paid it back months later and we're no longer friends!
Its really horrid to fall out with a longterm friend over money but some people have their priorities fecked up and try to take advantage!
The part that worries me is the fact that shes in hospital..is she really struggling at the moment? I dont know the girl so cant say whether she is being malicious and just doesnt care that you are broke and need it or if she is truly struggling herself & this is why you still havent gotten a penny. If its the latter then maybe try to be gentle with her, I know when Im up in a heap and people are asking me for money I dont have, it can lead to an episode!
Like you said 100 a month is affordable for her and is more than fair when it is already overdue. I hope she agrees to it as it is a very kind offer. I hope you cash gets returned to you soon, best of luck!
Dear God, this is ridiculous! I'm so sorry that she's treated you in this way. You are 100% not being unreasonable.
I think it would be OK to say you don't want any contact until she starts paying you back. I honestly can't fathom when people borrow money and don't make attempts to pay it back asap and feel bad if they're not able to do so. You must have the patience of a saint to get to this point and still be wondering if you are unreasonable to be pissed off by this!
I don't really have any advice (though getting her to pay back £100 a month is a good idea) but just wanted to give you some reassurance that you're not at all being unreasonable.
If she continues to refuse you should be able to take legal action against her. That said I wonder if you could talk to your care team about this? They may be able to help you formulate a response to this girl but also give you support around it? As a small part of me wonders if this might be a safeguarding concern.
Camilla
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
Thank you. I don ever want it to get to the point where I'm taking legal action as she is my friend. What do you mean with 'a safeguarding issue'? Am I going to make her ill by pursuing this? I don't want that. I'm going to ring her later and explain and encourage her to set up a standing order - if she doesn't, I will tell her I will get in contact with her mum and staff at the hospital. I know she doesn't want this so hopefully that will be enough of an incentive. I've told her numerous times to go to a CAB for advice as she really is terrible with money but she doesn't listen. This is stressful because she is my best friend but actually recently I've been thinking more and more that this isn't a healthy friendship anymore. She treats me like dirt sometimes and then makes me feel guilty if I don't send her money :/
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I'd say you aren't being unreasonable at all. Just a suggestion though, would it be possible to maybe draw up a repayment schedule complete with an agreement that you could both sign? My grandma leant me money for uni this year and we both signed a contract that stated how much I pay back and when. It also has a clause for what happens if I can't pay back. I'd be happy to forward you a copy if you do want to see one.
It's nice when we can help our friends out, but she is out of order knowing you are struggling yet asking for more. What she's doing isn't fair on you at all. It sounds like you have done all you can to help her, like suggesting cab etc. I hope you can be strong and not lend her anymore. I don't know what to suggest, and it's difficult without knowing the person and their circumstances, but I will say that it is important to look after you and your needs first. It's your money that you should rightly have back and you don't want to leave yourself short or in debt because of her. Would speaking to cab yourself be any use? They might give you helpful impartial advice.
Yep I meant that it struck me you were in a vulnerable position having been in hospital and I wonder if she took advantage of you if so that would be concerning.
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
I was in a similar situation - I lent a very close friend a lot of money which she didn't pay back. In my case, I feel too awkward to push it. A few months later she asked for money again and I said no - and it really upset me to do it, because I knew she needed the money (for rent) and was really struggling - but I also knew that I wouldn't get it back and that there were wider problems with money that me helping her that once wouldn't fix.
I was worried it might ruin the relationship but it hasn't. Ultimately, if it does in your case, then she wasn't a good enough friend to start with. That amount of money is incredible, and I strongly urge you not to give her any more. I do think you should speak to both her mum and her care team/hospital because a) they may be able to assist in her paying you back and b) she may be doing this to other people.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thank you all for the advice and reassuring me I'm not being a total bitch!
I spoke to her last night and explained that this situation could not continue as things were because it's simply not fair. I asked her to set up the standing order on Tues when she gets her benefits and goes to the bank. She was extremely apologetic and made many promises which I have heard many times before, but hopefully if she gets this set up it will help both of us. I'm awaiting an excuse from her as to why she can't (I'm very used to this by now) but if she doesn't I will follow through with what I said in terms of telling her mum and staff at the hospital. She still refuses to speak to CAB.
Thank you again. I hope this is now resolved but I should know better than to be hopeful when it comes to this with her! But fingers crossed she got the message. I find it hard to be firm with her because I don't want to be nasty but I really tried.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
She hasn't yet. More excuses and tbh I've been preoccupied with other things so haven't been forceful. Having said that, she said she'll do it tomorrow so we'll wait and see...
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
More excuses today and it seems I cannot be assertive. She always has 'valid reasons' that I can't argue against because it would make me a massive bitch. I don't want to talk to her anymore. I don't know what to do.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
