I don't know what to do anymore.

Harbour · 05-10-2015, 07:43 PM

Im feeling very low so Im sorry if this isn't that sense making.

Ive just started university, Im planning my wedding, there's nothing wrong with my life. It's me.

Im still under CMHt and see my care coordinator and although there's been talk of a complex ptsd specific treatment in a year plus I honestly don't really know what they can do. I see a counsellor at a charity and the sessions can consist of regression/dissociation.

I feel removed and low. Kind of like Im watching life in third person. I don't see a way out. Im suicidal but not actively but more I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I feel angry and like things are disjointed but most of the time the feelings are dull. There are times when they're intense. Im getting very worried Im screwing up destiny.

I don't know what options are left. I'll try anything, self help or anythingv anyone thinks I could try. I want to be grateful for my life and the things in it and I am but I'm so unhappy I can't breathe.

Ballerina123 · 05-10-2015, 08:53 PM

sorry you are feeling so low. hugs xx

are your team aware this is how you feel? if so what have they suggested? if not this could be a good place to start.

HAve you started your intensive theraphy yet?
Im in intensive theraphy 3 times a week for PTSD and I found when I first started I became very depressed because it was very hard to adapt to talking about trauma so much.
If you havnt started yet, do you think this is the best time to start?

could you ask for a medication review?

also mindfulnesss meditation has evidence that it can be just as effective as an anti depressant if practiced often enough. there are apps for your phone you can get and listen to stuff on you tube for free.

finally the fact that you are starting university and planning a wedding are very stressful things so could it be the stress of these rather than the excitement that is causing your mood to dip?

Bellatrix · 05-10-2015, 09:23 PM

Thinking of you my love

sorry i'm not able to help right now

<3

Harbour · 05-10-2015, 09:26 PM

Thank you for replying.

My care coordinator is quite strange in the sense that her advice is often totally inappropriate (telling me stupid triggering things relating to men and them being attracted to me) when this is a huge trigger. She also spends a lot of time saying my problems are totally normal but wants to keep my under cmht. Im grateful I still have a care coordinator but a lot of the time her
Advice does more harm than good.
Ptsd specific therapy for child trauma won't be in my trust for another year or so. the ptsd service for the trust won't take child trauma.
I have counselling with a charity once a week which is very supportive but I find the gaps between sessions difficult.
I started lamotrigine not that long ago and Im still titrating up. It has done more to stop rapid mood swings though.

I have been trying to do yoga this week but it's difficult to sustain when Im so tired. I guess yeah that's true. It almost feels like it isn't that my mood is getting lower its just my tolerance and fight is getting lower.

I don't know how to recover. I don't know how to just be.

Ballerina123 · 05-10-2015, 10:15 PM

I cant remember where you live in London but have you tried the recovery college?
its in 5 boughs in London.
message me your location and I can direct you.
Its a good service which helps with making a start in your own recovery.

Harbour · 06-10-2015, 08:43 AM

Thanks again for your reply <3.

Im in a borough that offers that but ive been before and found it triggering. I also feel very unsure whether it's the right thing for me as it tends to be a lot of things that I already do in my life.

Ive tried to find recovery based groups in the evening which maybe are more made up of recovery based approaches but for people that are able to work etc. I really wish I had a local EA (emotions anonymous) group near me.

Sorry I don't mean to rebuff all your suggestions. I guess I just feel like Im doing all these things that should make me feel better but don't. Im sorry.

Ballerina123 · 06-10-2015, 10:03 AM

Have you tried the SUN projects or similar?

I think it can depend on what causes you do at the recovery college. things like the mediation and relaxation groups would be good and less triggering.
Also things like creative coruses like creative writing and art theraphy groups at recovery college are good and less triggering.

saying that however if you are at uni and doing the wedding stuff could you be overwhelming yourself?

Have you spoke to your partner about what she think has helped you in the past or anything she can do to support you through this. x

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 06-10-2015, 11:13 AM

Hey sweetheart,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so very low *squishes* Just because you have good things happening in your life, doesn't mean that you're suddenly not ill anymore, mental health doesn't discriminate whatever your circumstances.

Kate might be right, do you think you're overwhelming yourself at the moment? Have you spoken to anyone other than us about how you feel?

I wonder if your mood could be related to your therapy? How do you think that's going?

x x x

Harbour · 06-10-2015, 01:44 PM

I haven't tried SUN groups as beforehand they clashed with work but I have Friday's off at uni and could see if they do a group then. The therapeutic classes also sound like they might be helpful. Thank you.

My partner is supportive she just wants me to try and get through this initial period of university. university is difficult because Im very worried about screwing up my destiny. But at the same time I feel removed and resigned from it all.

thank you for your reply Helen. therapy is tough. I spend a lot of my week feeling the need to talk and then being very anxious as the session draws to a close. The voices would like me to take out my voice box so I can't do anymore talking. It would be easier. I know it's irrational and I know I won't do it. just unpleasant.

I found uni really tough today. Luckily my lecture got cancelled this afternoon meaning I can come home to my partner. I feel very numb and the voices have been very intense. I don't want to be a whore anymore.

Harbour · 07-10-2015, 07:54 AM

I just can't.

Fire Fly · 07-10-2015, 02:09 PM

Hi,
You're NOT a whore. What can't you do? Give the lamotragine time to work and keep your mood swings in check.
What made your uni so triggering? Do you want to talk about what you can't do xxx

Harbour · 07-10-2015, 09:29 PM

Im sorry. Thank you.

I had a bad session at counselling. I don't feel well. Lamotrigine has helped to an extent but I guess ive still got more room to go up with it.

I don't feel able to stay at uni and screw up destiny. Or be awake. I just want to be asleep and not think. I don't know this is pathetic Im sorry x