It bothers me, how things seem to be going. It's not what's actually going on, I'm trying to simplify my thoughts on it all. I've not had anyone to talk to in a while, so it's all a mess. I just need to get some out somewhere.
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Say, I want to die, and the first time I camp out on a flyover, my friends come and find me, they're worried and sit with me and wait until I agree to leave.
The next time, it's not such a huge deal, we're doing this again, aren't we.
The next time, only one friend finds me.
And as time goes on, being on that bridge becomes a weekly event, sometimes with a razor, or rope, or pills, and I picture myself jumping, over and over and over. But I don't, I wait too long, because the first time I was so sure I'd do it, but my friends came to stop me. Now I'm waiting, and they don't turn up. We've been here too many times, and they're tired of it, they don't care anymore, or they don't think I'll ever actually jump, and they have better things to be doing. Their own lives to be thinking about. I can't fault them for that.
I have thoughts of suicide, but I'm not acting on them, so I'm not suicidal, not as far as they're concerned anymore. They're sick of the amount of attention I seem to need, especially when I seem to be fine without them running to my aid each time.
Afterall, they've stopped coming to find me on that damn bridge, but I'm still alive when they speak to me the next day.
Although my bridge trips wouldn't end with me jumping, they usually ended in a hospital trip, for SI or an OD, both, something else, but I've since stopped going to hospital, I don't want to go, and recently I've been too tired to keep up the amount of damage I used to inflict.
Because of that, they now all think I'm better. Still need some counselling or therapy or something, but I'm not a danger, they don't need to be concerned. They can now carry on without having to think "I wonder if Ril jumped?" And as soon as they're not worried, I disappear. Because I'm still in the same place, but they're not looking for me at all anymore. not just because they choose not to, but because they don't realise they need to.
And the more time I spend waiting for people that are never going to show, the closer I get to that first day when I'm absolutely sure of what I want.
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I say friends in this, in my life it's mostly cmht/gp/support worker people. When they first found out about what I was doing, they took it so seriously, and after a while, it didn't matter. I love my support worker, but I can tell him about a potentially very harmful overdose, and that I've not sought medical attention for it, and he'll take my word when I say I'm okay when he used to insist I go to hospital, or he'd have to take action.
Because I'm not in hospital as much as I used to be, my gp no longer sees me as often, because he seems to think things are on the up. He thinks it means I'm not Shing or ODing. Even when I tell him what's going on, it doesn't seem to click in his head unless I specifically say "I am harming myself and I plan to kill myself"... in which case he calls the crisis team. The bloody useless, "if you want to kill yourself, that's your decision, and there's nothing we can do to stop you, It's not our responsibility to keep you safe" crisis team.
No one seems to care at all about SH in fact. At some point, it stopped mattering because once you get properly into the "mental health" world, so many people do it, and there are going to be people that do it worse than you, more often, it just.. really doesn't matter.... cut away!!
The cmht/crisis team have been the worst. From "You're in crisis, you need immediate support" to "but.. this has been going on for some time now, you need to either stop being in crisis because we can't offer any more support, or just suffer on in silence because we can't waste any more time on you. Other people are struggling too, so you need to go away so we can help them."
I just don't see anyone anymore. There were services (non-nhs ones) I used to use quite a lot, but I just can't use them anymore. It feels like too much to make contact, and I'm just repeating the same stuff over and over, but the issue with constantly admitting to feeling suicidal and wanting to die is that eventually I have to go "I've been saying that for months now, claiming that the urge to die is strong, but I'm still here, so was it really that strong? Can i really go to this place again where I used to ask for help because I though I would badly harm myself, when I've not really don't that in all this time, even though I've still felt like it and wanted to? I feel like I'm suck a fraud." Even though I never actually admitted to being suicidal, but it was how I felt.
Sometimes it feels like it's all for attention. Why else do I wait around instead of taking action. But I don't want attention for the things I'm doing. It feels I need to do the bad things for anyone to pay even the slightest bit of attention, but really what I want is for that first time to happen. When someone finds me on the bridge, for them to go "I have others things to do, I have other people to see or speak to, but your life is more important than that. If I have to wait with you hours, I'll do that, and it's not an inconvenience." I mean bloody hell, why do they have to act like them having to care because you want to die is inconveniencing them?! It's a difficult situation, I get that, but I don't want to feel like I'm being a horrible, thoughtless, selfish person because I want people in my life and I want them to care what happens to me. I care so much about them and what happens to them, and that's okay, that's good. But when I want them to care about me, that's bad? I'm a bad selfish person who's screwing with people in this awful way just to get attention? Is that just in my head?
And maybe if all the things that happened in the past hadn't happened, and if I wasn't so messed up in my head, we could do whatever it is normal people do.
I don't understand a lot of the post but stay strong.
It became like a sort of prison. Encased in a silver shell, words so full of bleeding need spilled like drops on dry leaves. And all the while laughter prevailed a long way from here. Nowhere land, nowhere time, nowhere space.
It is difficult when things have improved but not right. I wonder whether it would be helpful to have a frank discussion with your team about what support they can provide at the moment and what support you need.
A little while after I got my mental health in a better place I had a change of CC and in the first session we sat down and discussed where I was and what help I wanted to get over the coming months. It was really helpful as things had started to get a bit monotonous with my old CC as I guess he was used to seeing me more unstable and we were no longer on the same hymn sheet so to speak. The mentor I see for help with uni work periodically checks in with what i feel I getting out of my sessions and what I would like to work on too. I feel a benefit from this also.
Attention is a strange thing, most of our daily interactions with people are attention based whether getting attention from them or giving attention to another and no the whole it a positive. unfortunately it has a few negative connotations in the mental health community. I wonder what attention means to you and what attention you would like from your team?
It sounds to my like you are screaming out for help but not actually getting what you need. That can feel very hurtful and it can feel like others don't care, but I don't think that's the case: I think other people don't understand. They don't see what's inside and what's really bothering you; all they see are the actions and the symptoms, not the underlying problem(s). Perhaps you could think about opening up to somebody more frankly? You mentioned in your post 'things that happened in the past'. Is this something you could talk about? In here or in person with someone?
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Thank you guys for responding.
I've been ill most this week after a suicide attempt. I did end up in hospital for it, but once I was able to move, I left. I didn't want treatment. Was surprised they let that happen, that they didn't send police to find me or something, but according to my cpn, if you agree to go in, which seems to be "if you're not detained or sectioned", then you can leave when you want, even if you're talking about suicide and wanting to die.
tiptoes: I don't really know what team is. The only person on my side is my support worker, and he's just had to give a letter of notice that I have two months to vacate the flat I'm in, even though he knows that's going to screw with my head. He kept saying that it's just a formality and it doesn't mean anything bad, but I can't help it.
I don't know what I want from sessions. I can't think properly anymore beyond "help, just please help me". I try and give them want they want, I try and talk, but they say it's not enough. CPN said that no service will work with me because I'm not talking and I'm not giving enough. It's really hard though. I'm trying, it's just really, really hard. I don't need him threatening to not give me any help. That's making it harder.
Attention to me right now means help. I want help, and I want them to care and to keep in touch, and not leave huge gaps between speaking to me because it makes me feel like they don't care and I'm just a task to them, and they can't wait to be rid of me. It also means I want someone to "hold my hand" through this. I always hated that saying, but I don't know how else to put it. I don't want to go to things alone, I don't want to be dealing with things alone. I don't want to be passed on or abandoned.
It feels like I'm wanting or expecting too much from some people, but I need it right now. I haven't in the past, and hopefully once I get through this point I can manage on my own again, but right now I'm too much on the edge to cope.
mikey: My support worker is good for this. He understands that I'm quiet, I don't shout or swear or lash out, and that's not because I'm "in control". Sometimes the quieter I am, the more out of control or unstable I am. He's very good, I feel, at noticing things when others don't. Probably because they don't care to notice. But the nhs people, they seem to think that you need to be shouting, swearing, threatening people and crap like that to be "serious"... or whatever word they might use. "unstable"? Or maybe other people can sell themselves better than I can. SW knows some of things that have happened, or has an idea, so he knows why I close up when things aren't going well. He knows when I'm getting scared, and he can see when things are too much, but for some reason other people (nhs/cpn) don't know these things, and I can't communicate much when it's happening, and when I try to explain when I can communicate, they don't seem to listen.
I really, really need help. I need them to do something, and my SW understands this, and he's trying to make them understand too, but I don't think they will. They're making things too hard to deal with.
I'm sorry, don't know how much I rambled, hope something made sense.
It became like a sort of prison. Encased in a silver shell, words so full of bleeding need spilled like drops on dry leaves. And all the while laughter prevailed a long way from here. Nowhere land, nowhere time, nowhere space.
