Struggle with Depression

Scherr01 · 21-09-2015, 03:12 AM

After my best friend left for the army about a year ago, I felt like I’d lost the one person I’ve always been able to talk to, who was always there to help me. I relapsed with self-harming in multiple ways even though I had promised that I would stay strong for her. I started going to counseling again in February but recently stopped going. I’ve gotten so good at faking being okay, I even convinced the professional who is supposed to know better. I convinced her that I was okay so I wouldn’t have to go anymore because I didn’t feel like I could be honest with her anymore. I relapsed once (in a grand fashion) while going to counseling with her and she said if I messed up again, she couldn’t see me anymore, she couldn’t help me cause I didn’t want to be helped. While I was going she did say that I had a low level of depression and that I would benefit from meds for that and for my anxiety. And probably my OCD too. But I never got any meds. I want to be able to fix myself without them. I encourage other people to do that if that’s what they need, but I have such double standards for myself. And lately my depression hasn’t felt so low level. I’ve really struggled with being alive these past few weeks, just getting up and trying to decide if it’s worth it. And I’ve kept going, I’m still going, but it’s a struggle every day. I’ve started to slip back into some old habits that I shouldn’t be doing, but it makes me feel better. I just want to know that there are other people that understand. That get that even though I have a ton of reasons to be happy, I’m not, no matter how hard I try. I don’t want depression to get the best of me, but I feel like that’s what is happening.

Pi.R^2 · 22-09-2015, 11:26 AM

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. There are lots of people here who can understand that just because there are lots of reasons to be happy, it doesn't always actually cause you to be happy.

Why do you want to be able to manage without meds? Do you know what causes you to have these double standards about medication?

Your counsellor doesn't sound particularly supportive- she doesn't seem to understand that slipping up doesn't mean you're not trying!! Would you consider seeing a different counsellor?

Scherr01 · 23-09-2015, 02:32 AM

The reason I want to not be on meds is because I feel like if my relationship with God was where it needed to be, I wouldn't be having these problems. And I know that isn't always the case. I also know that no matter how hard I try, I can't fix myself. I can't be okay just because I want to be. But it's a standard I've set for myself. I don't expect other people to have my same standards, but that has been my thought process for years, that I shouldn't need them. That I should be okay and that being on meds makes me weak. I know that those things aren't necessarily true, I know that in my head, but someone very important to me told me that once and it has always stuck.

That counselor was the second one I've tried. Its hard to find Christian counseling in my area, that I can afford to go to. I can't use insurance to help pay for it because my parents can't know I'm going. I'm a broke college student with a part time job, I don't have the money for expensive counseling or even a bunch of doctor visits to get meds.

But I know I need help. I need help now, cause I've gotten back into SHing. I really just feel like I need someone to talk to, that I don't feel I have to hide things from.

Aubergine · 23-09-2015, 05:22 PM

I have a great relationship with God, but still need an antidepressant to keep my mood up. Depression is an illness as much as any other. Christians with diabetes still need insulin - it's a similar thing.

I'm really sorry that you have been told that taking medication makes you weak; I understand how something like that can stick with you. It is definitely not true though. Taking medication does not make you weak. Recognising that you need to take something to correct a chemical imbalance is a strong thing to do.

Does your college have a free counselling service that you can use? I know that it can be difficult to receive counselling that's not coming from a Christian perspective, but it might be better to have something than nothing at all.

Scherr01 · 24-09-2015, 03:27 AM

I've heard that example used so many times, that if you were diabetic you wouldn't not take insulin because you think your body should be able to make enough itself, etc. Its just so hard for me to really accept that its okay for me to need help. That I don't always have to be the good, perfect, strong one. I never even cried at any 3 of my grandparent's funerals over the past 3 years because I', supposed to be the strong one who holds it together when everyone else falls apart. All my family just thinks I'm tough/cold hearted because I don't cry in front of them.

The college I'm at now just works to help set you up with a proffesional, they don't actually have a counseling center. The college I'll be at next year does, but thats a year away.

Unbreakable. · 24-09-2015, 04:05 AM

Would it help if you viewed meds as something that could help you to get to a place where you can improve your relationship with God? So rather than thinking it's your relationship with God that causes depression it could be the depression affecting that relationship?