Starting to slip. Please help.

Fire Fly · 18-09-2015, 08:09 PM

I put on a lot of weight on Olanzapine and now have come of it and be put on arirprazole. But when I was on olanzapine I was eating a lot better. But I've just started a new job but I've started to restrict again and cutting down my meals to one in the evening. I don't know what to do. It feels like I need to lose weight and be skinny again. People are noticing and I'm struggling to eat with them. I don't know what to do. Please help.

Ballerina123 · 18-09-2015, 08:39 PM

Could you write about the disadvantage of restricting in the short and long term?
Also cold you manage small snacks in the day just to start back eating again?
What, to you, is so desirable about being skinny again?

Fire Fly · 18-09-2015, 08:48 PM

I think the disadvantage would be it could affect the service users I work with. If I'm not on my best form how could I give the best care (I'm a hca).

I'm struggling with eating. I feel so guilty just eating a belvita. Liquids seem to be okay. My cc suggested slim fast shakes but my fiancée thinks that's the worst possible idea. I feel guilty looking at the food and just can't swallow.

I don't know what's desirable. But I hate the way I look. I want to look pre olanzapine. I miss it. I want to fit into my old clothes again and want to be toned again. Being curvy and fat is what caused me to get r*ped. So I hate it. I don't know what to do.

marimar · 19-09-2015, 08:07 AM

Hi. Sorry to hear you've experienced something so traumatic. Everyone probably says that and you also probably know that being curvy did not cause it to happen. It was one of those misfortunes, bad luck I guess and someone's sick mind. You associated this with your weight at the moment but I'm sure it didnt have anythimg to do with it. Would it help if you explored that experience further in therapy?
It might be that now you associate every traumatic or stresfull times with that. And having a new job can be really stresfull. It's really important to fuel your body so it can deal with new challange.
I agree with your fiancee re slim shakes, they are designed ro get you slimmer. Could you try making your own shakea or smootiea? just adding banana, some nuts and berries in your blender would give you a great snack and its not hard to digest

Fire Fly · 19-09-2015, 04:15 PM

Hi,
Thank you for replying. I'm currently doing emdr for the trauma and last week we did emdr to encourage me to eat during the day. But it's hard. I'll try the smoothies. It's a good idea :). Thank you for the suggestion.

Bellatrix · 19-09-2015, 04:30 PM

darling I think the same thing. each time i've gained to a healthy weight I've been raped,molested or propositioned by an incestuous man.

But it is NOT your weight. That's what I get told each time i bring it up.

Jenna has some good thoughts on this and she is probably better places to share them with you as I am still struggling with a lot of them.

*calls Jenna*

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 19-09-2015, 07:52 PM

I think its a common thought pattern of 'if I'm X size, I'll be raped again', as I think it too.

The fact is though, you were raped because the person doing it had an agenda, they were wrong & vile & they had probably already 'picked' you, whatever your weight, colour, race, or sexuality. Nothing could have changed that. I'm certain he didn't look at you & think 'she's a healthy size, I'll rape her.' You being X weight or X size clothes will not attract those types of men as you didn't attract it in the first place - that man already had it in his mind & you being smaller, a smaller clothes size or even a different hair colour wouldn't have changed that & it still won't. What I'm trying to say if that whatever your size, you will not attract, or be at any more of a greater risk of being raped.

You deserve to be happy & healthy & I'm so sorry you won't through something so terrible.

Also, I'm sorry if that was triggering, or it was unhelpful, is just how I try & think of it & thought I might aswell share.

Love you sweetpea <3 You're making me so proud, fighting on!
x x x

mikey · 19-09-2015, 08:11 PM

Hey, I just want to say that I know how you feel. I know the fear but Helen is right. For me, anorexia was a way of becoming unattractive and it lessened my own sex drive so I felt less dirty. You can't keep it up. I know it's really really hard but you have to face what you have been through. You weren't raped because of your size. Women of all shapes and sizes unfortunately go through this terrible ordeal and it has nothing to do with the way you look. It's about power and opportunity. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, and you do not deserve or need to punish yourself.

I know it's hard. I know. I'm not just saying that; I have been through this and I am now not fully recovered, but getting there. You don't deserve what happened to you and you didn't ask for it. It's great you're getting help and my experience is that often things get harder before they get easier. Talk through how you feel with your therapist and keep trying. You are so brave.

Pi.R^2 · 19-09-2015, 11:49 PM

^If only you could all apply your excellent logic to yourselves!!

I'm sorry you're struggling with your eating at the moment and I hope you can keep using your work as motivation to try to eat well. Can you think of any other benefits to eating a decent amount, e.g. better skin, more energy etc?

It is not your responsibility to not get assaulted, though I appreciate that you would want to take steps to try to prevent such a thing happening again. However, losing weight is not something that will help. People of all sizes unfortunately sometimes stumble across an unpleasant human specimen who breaks the law and hurts others. Lots of people experience sexual abuse in childhood which is unpleasant evidence that being small and at a low weight doesn't make you immune from these things.

If you want to feel empowered and that you are doing something to keep yourself safe (though I repeat that this is not your responsibility), how about taking a self-defence class and/or investing in a panic alarm?

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 20-09-2015, 10:54 AM

I agree with Jenna, but I should warn you that during defense classes they do have someone come up to you & try to mimic an attack on you & you have to fight them off. I didn't join the classes for that reason as it would have been extremely triggering. Find out what the class entails before you sign up if you need to lovely.

x x x

Pi.R^2 · 20-09-2015, 11:01 AM

Helen, thanks for posting that, I hadn't considered that they might do that, but now I know I'll be sure to mention it if I suggest a self-defence class again!

Arienette · 20-09-2015, 11:10 AM

Quote:

But it is NOT your weight. That's what I get told each time i bring it up.

I agree with jenna and this.

Could you compromise and lose weight until a healthy level which is more acceptable for you, like a compromise?

xx

Fire Fly · 20-09-2015, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EyelinerAndCigarettes

I think its a common thought pattern of 'if I'm X size, I'll be raped again', as I think it too.

You deserve to be happy & healthy & I'm so sorry you won't through something so terrible.

Also, I'm sorry if that was triggering, or it was unhelpful, is just how I try & think of it & thought I might aswell share.

Love you sweetpea <3 You're making me so proud, fighting on!
x x x

Thank you for your reply. I'm starting to think it's common feeling as lots of supporters on this thread have said the same thing. It wasn't triggering at all but logical. Your support means so much!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pi.R^2

Can you think of any other benefits to eating a decent amount, e.g. better skin, more energy etc?

Lots of people experience sexual abuse in childhood which is unpleasant evidence that being small and at a low weight doesn't make you immune from these things.

If you want to feel empowered and that you are doing something to keep yourself safe (though I repeat that this is not your responsibility), how about taking a self-defence class and/or investing in a panic alarm?

I've learnt some breakaway training from work that could help if someone came near me but a panic alarm sounds like a good idea. I definetely need more energy so eating a better sized portion would be better. I'm so lethargic and tired.

I guess the guy had it for me when he saw me and got what he wanted and didnt matter on the size I was. << That seems logical but hard to get my head around.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arienette

I agree with jenna and this.

Could you compromise and lose weight until a healthy level which is more acceptable for you, like a compromise?

xx

Yes that would be doable. I need to be able to lose weight healthily but thats where I'm struggling. I dont know how to? and i resort to the only way I know how is restricting.

Thanks for your replies everyone and Jodie thank you for sharing. This weekend has been hard as my partner has been off and has been sort of on my case to eat. All I want to do smoke and he has said that he would dump me if I took up smoking. I dont know whether wanting smoke a ecig is to curve my hunger away or what. I just feel stressed out by food.

Fire Fly · 24-09-2015, 08:06 PM

I've been trying really hard. My therapist said she can't do emdr if I don't eat which is upsetting me. I'm trying bit it seems like it's not good enough. I've bought some slim fast shakes to try out like my cc suggested. Bit anxious in taking them. I managed a sandwich yesterday so feel like a fraud drinking slimming drinks. I don't know what would be best. Everytime I eat all I want to do is purge but I'm resisting.

Pi.R^2 · 26-09-2015, 10:38 AM

Could you talk with your partner about ways in which he could support your eating without it feeling like he's on your case?

Has your therapist explained the reasons behind saying that you need to eat in order to do EMDR?

Will done on managing a sandwich. Do you think maybe working out some sort of meal plan, either with your partner or your cc might help you to keep on track?

stephsparkle · 01-10-2015, 03:11 PM

Tink I think things are very difficult for you right now and I dont know what to suggest but maybe if I call you later and catch up with you tomorrow I could try to take your mind off of things xxx