Ok, so most of my life has been friends just up and leaving me. I went to a school that had very few kids that related to me. The one girl that did moved two years after becoming friends. I have had many crushes in my life but none have really liked me back with the exception of this year. I really liked this guy and he liked me too, but he just started ignoring me and I don't know why. It was the first time in a while that I felt that someone saw me for me and accepted me. Now I think I reached a subconscious breaking point.
Before this guy I had almost no friends, all had left me in one way or another. I was lonely, and I was afraid of anything I might do or say that would make people think less of me. I was also terrified of the night, sometimes getting panic attacks if I was alone. When I met this guy, he helped me with my extreme fear of the night, but not so much with the 'social anxiety' with lack of a better term. Over time he just started to degrade my opinion and I was afraid of saying anything to him. I know it sounds terrible, but he just changed over time. I loved him, and I couldn't stop right then and there. When he did everything he could to ignore me I was so broken. He was there for me when I needed him and now he was gone. Was I just cursed? Friends ditch me, then him, then my new best friend... why can't I just have people who accept me for me?
I thought something was wrong with me, and maybe there is. Maybe I am too strange, too accepting, too open. Thing is that I like myself like that, but people just seem to not like me anymore. I fear being alone and not having friends this new year of school really is hurting me. My brain just can't process anymore, it's like I don't care what people think but I'm afraid of disappearing into the rest of the crowd. I want to cry, I just can't deal anymore. I can't be cheerful all the time, soon I really will shrink away.
I need help, I'm starting to think that no one will love me for who I am, that maybe I should give up trying to have friends and be content being alone. I mean, anyone I meet now will only last a year before they lose interest with me, right? I don't like being alone, it hurts too much knowing that no one can like me for me, but I don't know what an alternative is.
Please help, how do I get over this fear of being alone, and this emotional slump?
