My treatment is making me worse

[maybeline]

My recovery is going really badly.
My treatment team and I dont get along. My self esteem is so bad now.
Im losing hope. I just dont know how to keep going.
I need to be in the treatment cause otherwise the goverment Will take My money. I need the money cause i cant work. But treatment is making me feel worse.
Its getting to the point where i self medicate myself before therapy because i get so nervous. Then i get home, and I hate myself. I really dont know What to do. I feel really alone.
I cant live Like this

[Iamcatbug]

I'm sorry you are struggling with your support.

I know this may be easier said than done but would it be possible to request a new support team?

[maybeline]

Thanks for your reply.
If i ask for a new team i Will lose My money. Im only getting My money because i'm in a treatment that I think helps and My team thinks helps.
In a few Months The state Will ask My team again how i am doing and i'm doing worse and i dont Think my team Can keep saying its going as well as it Should. So i really need to get better now But i just need help too.
I cant even say to My team how bad i feel cause its gonna be written in My journal for the State to see.

I'm desperate for something that could help me.
I have been thinking about hypnoses and healing But i dont know.

[Harley]

Wow that's a crazy situation to be put in. Forcing you to 'get better now' or else they will make things even worse for you... that's tough.

Often treatment makes things worse - it brings everything to the surface and forces you to confront issues that you had been burying. All I can say is that once you do properly get things out, and those issues are properly confronted by people you trust, then things do then start getting better again. but you need to have a team you can trust, who you can open up to - and if you don't have that then you must try do what it takes to change it.

Perhaps opening up here at RYL more about your fears and pressures regarding the treatment might help you feel less anxious about them?

[maybeline]

Yeah its pretty bad.
Cause i have been in recovery for a long time now and i still have a long Way to go.

I have Tried to talk about things that has Been really hard on me through life But i Think My therapist thinks im lying. I could easily look like one who lies cause i get so uncomfortable. And She does not write Them in My journal and she asks the same questions time aften time.

So now i just dont Want to bring it up anymore.
Trust has always been hard for me and now its even worse.
She sighs alot and she Rolls her eyes.
Small things makes her upset now. Like i looked at the watch and the session was over and i said "i'm sorry, i'm gonna go.." Things like that makes her so annoyed and makes her raise her voice.
She pushed me into a group that i Wasent ready for at all (i have severe social anxiety) and its just going downhill.

I Think My team is just as upset about the Whole Thing as i am.
I Should be alot better But i'm not.
I still have My guards up. I havent talked about a hobby i have and i have never cried in therapy. There is tons of things i havent said.
I am just NOT comfortable there.
And I have Been there for about a year and a Half by now.

I Think you Are right about Seeking support somewhere else.
I just Wish i could cut My team off cause its breaking My self esteem.

[Iamcatbug]

Could you ask them how they would like to help you? Or even tell her that her reactions make you uncomfortable.

[maybeline]

I could try to ask Them that, yes. You know What. it kind of gave me an idea.
Maybe i Should try to mail one of my group therapists and ask Them to make a goal for my progress in group, that i could work towards. Like "give more support to the other girls" or whatever. And once They Think i am doing good at that, They could give me a new goal. Maybe it Would help me to have ONE goal in mind. in stead of everything at once and Then fail at all of them.

And it shows that i actually am trying. Maybe it could make me feel a bit closer to Them as well.

Or does that Sound stupid..?

When it comes to My individual psychologist, i just dont know. I feel like we Are at a dead end. I Think it Would be too hard to Tell her. Luckly i am going to see her less from now on. Maybe that in itself Will help.

[Iamcatbug]

That actually sounds like a good idea.

[maybeline]

on the other hand it might end up feeling like a pressure instead.
And i end up forcing myself without having anything good to say. I really dont know. It Should not even be this hard to begin With. A normal brain Would be nice, by now.