I was supposed to start a new exercise class today, pre-paid and everything. I've been looking forward to it all week, and all day. I got dressed and put my shoes on then as I was checking where I need to go I had a panic attack and started crying. So I didn't go.
It was because it is a new place, and would be new people, and that is difficult for me. I'm ok if I go with someone but there is no one to come with me for this.
I've noticed I've been becoming more socially withdrawn. I'm not texting people as much, in fact I mainly talk to my mum and my ex. I like to run alone, and spend a lot of time in my flat alone, but I've noticed I keep making excuses to not go and meet people.
I've not been climbing for a month, I was going twice weekly. I'm going to try next time I get paid to go again, which should be less of a challenge because I know the place and some of the people so it's ok. Luckily I've lived in the same place for 5 years so know a lot of areas of London that feel ok, it's just this going to new places on my own, and even more so when there will be people.
And I'm struggling to do what I need to do because of people stress, like sorting my housing stuff with the council and getting my landlord to fix my roof. Each time I try and sort this stuff I have a huge frenzy of anxiety to the point I want to overdose just to calm down (slightly, just so I can sleep a long time) which I've started doing again to escape so I don't engage in the escalating thoughts to kill myself over the anxiety because I will never do the stuff I want to do, and I will always be a bit of a **** up, and why am I not as recovered and stable as I want to be already: ugh what's the point.
Basically that, every time. I was supposed to start a support group this week, but didn't go.
I did manage mindfulness and gardening but I had a health worker come with me, I can't have someone with me all the time, the nhs can't fund that it's ridiculous.
Anyone got any ideas? I'm wondering if I should try and see my gp next week or something. I've been supposed to phone my cc for a week, but I'm too anxious to phone her. (I'm very comfortable with my gp however as I've known her nearly 5 years)
Ugh.
I'm so frustrated by this!!!!
I'm supposed to be going to the meet tomorrow, and I'm shitting it and don't even know if I'll manage it or not. I hope I do.
It's great that you have noticed this and are wanting to do something about it.
Going back to climbing sounds like a good starting point. Try not to run before you can walk. Try not to put pressure on yourself to be recovered now, you are not a **** up, it takes time.
How did you find the mindfullness and the gardening?
The mindfulness and gardening was good and helped my mood, bc the previous night I had a mini overdose to deal with things and I found mindfulness calming. It was also good because there was not much time to be talking and most of it was sat silent with my eyes shut.
One woman reached out to speak to me, but she really made an effort which I appreciated and she was nice. So it really wasn't a bad experience I know this whole thing is totally irrational but it's annoying me.
My ex is down til we go for family stuff on Monday eve and said she'd phone my cc, explain what's been going on, that I like to tell people I'm ok more than I am because I like people saying "well done" and "you're doing so well" and that maybe could I email her if i need to talk and we arrange an appointment maybe over email because I really struggle to pick up the phone. I'm only ok at talking to people I know well on the phone, if someone phones and I don't know who, unless I'm having a really good day I won't pick up.
It's too much for me. We have a funeral next week too, so I booked to see my GP on Monday to see if they can offer something to help for that and for 1-2 weeks until I've managed to push myself back into my regular activities at least.
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But I'm a wreck. My landlord was fighting again when we came home today. I'd had a good day and someone else has phoned police and he's been arrested and this was like half an hour ago and I'm shaking with anxiety and stress and have my blotchy stress rash that flares up when I'm v stressed. I didn't even phone police and it wasn't even bad today yet I'm a wreck over it, and it doesn't even involve me.
Ugh I'm so frustrated with myself lately!!!
Mood wise, I think I'm ok but when I'm on my own I feel quite down. I started crying on the phone yesterday because I was frustrated out of no where to my ex, I just started blubbering and I had no idea that had been building up inside me. I think I've been trying to cover up my mood and hide it and squash it because I like to be seen as doing well. And when I say I'm struggling and my GP says, "well you seem good you're doing well. I think you're doing very well considering" I like when she says that. I always want to make her proud and I think it's biting me in the arse a little bit. Although having booked this appointment I reckon I can say also "things arent so brill"
The main reason I asked about your mood is that one of my early warning signs of my mood not being right is starting to isolate myself.
Would it help to write a few notes of things that you want to bring up with your GP?
I think it is important to be able to honest with your GP and for them to understand what you mean when you say "things aren't great" etc.
I'm sorry that you had issues with your landlord. If you found mindfullness helpful do you think you could try some now? I think you can find some guided videos online
Getting someone to contact your CC on your behalf sounds a good idea. I'm not very good with phones either and used to communicate with my CC and support workers etc predominantly by text. Hopefully they will be able to accommodate you, I'm sure you won't be the only person they have had that struggles with phones.
Have you spoke about hiding how you are feeling because of wanting to hear how well you are doing? Moving forwards, I feel it might something that they should be aware off and they might be able to help you with it.
Yeah my ex used to grass me up on that because at my most unwell I'd do the same and so the Drs dealing with me at the time were more clued up on that and would call me out on it but I'm working with different people now. And sometimes I am ok for a short while on the surface of things.
I do think you could have a point though, isolating isn't really a good sign and could be a warning sign. My ex has said a few times that she thinks I'm not as great as I say I am, and that I need to phone in and tell them what I tell her but I can't. My cc entitled having a work phone but said its advised they don't give out the number even though she said that some people find texting easier.
I reallt want them to help me but I know I'm the one that's getting in the way of that by not being able to ask for help. Before when my ex lived with me she would phone in, or deal with the council and stuff like that. And now she's gone, I still can't manage to do it. Although she'll phone on Monday.
And I've been called in to talk about my complaint about my old CMHT AT the cmht. I'm so scared and anxious. Ugh I could really use some benzos right now. I wish they'd give me prn for times and weeks like this!!!
she never phoned on monday. So that won't be happening. I went to my gp, saw a different one. He said he'll mention it to them and ask my psych to see me. Ugh. I wanted PRN.
I feel like total crap. And I keep getting suicidal thoughts running around on repeat in my head right now. Like constantly, even when i'm thinking about normal stuff, it's there, in the background. WTF! And when I see something, again it's , oh, i could kill myself there.
I really hate this. I really liked not having that going on anymore in my head.
