I'm not sure how to even start this, I guess if I say how I've been as of late first it may help someone relate?
For the past 6 months I've been slowly dragged back into depression, not the first time but this time I feel a lot more vulnerable.
I changed jobs that helped feel more positive for a couple of weeks and felt myself getting better until it all kicked back in. I had to quit my job due to my stress levels, not within the job just within, well, me. Not a lot had changed in my life to get me so stressed I just seemed to have enough, my depression was back with full force.
I guess the plan was to leave that current job and have a few weeks holiday as such just to gather my thoughts and myself to feel better.
Hasn't quite worked out as yet. Before I quit my job, I found it hard to go out the house socially, would get very anxious and worry about everything around me. Work even though in a social job somehow didn't make me feel as anxious, I guess it was just work and had to be done.
Now, I find it difficult to walk down the street by myself or go out for a coffee with friends. The only thing I've really comfortably managed to do recently is walk the dogs with my partner. He'll ask if I'd like to go places, even just a supermarket or town but instantly my mind says no and I kinda back out of doing anything.
I have no motivation, and I mean none... Find it hard to even get up and hoover or clean, I just want to go back to bed.
I spend all night awake on my bed while my partner works, I dislike sitting downstairs by myself in fear of someone breaking in or peaking in through a window. I know it's not real but I can sometimes see faces in the darkness at the window.
I've had suicidal thoughts, most days for the past few weeks, managing to wean them off slightly now though. When I was at these really low points and only when I was at these points, I had a voice as such telling me to do it and telling me I was being laughed at or told I was pathetic etc.
I seem to have a lot of confused thoughts and a very foggy mind where some days I just can't concentrate on anything.
I'm horribly irritable, anything can make my mood switch into just rage, no other way to describe it but rage but more at myself rather than whatever sets me off.
I guess that's the main part of how I feel in general recently.
But the point I find hard to talk or "complain" as such about is the lack of support. My family don't know about how bad I feel right now and personally I feel it's best that way for me and for my family, I guess I don't see my family as supportive in that aspect of my life due to never seeking that kind of support since I was a child and it not going down well etc.
I have a partner, who does support me and the choices I make, like quitting my job etc. But I can't help feel that sometimes I'm not listened to when I need to be or my moods can make him stressed as he tries to help me smile or have a laugh but it's impossible.
I see in myself that he does try to help sometimes and I can throw it back. But when I go to ask for help or ask for advice it's not particularly there and I have nowhere else to turn.
On top of that, I can feel him getting stressed and I believe that most of it is from me and how my mood has been for the past few months and the fact that I am currently not bringing in a wage.
I'm not sure where to turn or how to even talk to anyone about this. I guess I am looking for some sort of advice or someone to relate to. I'm not even sure myself.
I apologise for the lengthy post.
