Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
Triggering (SI/ED) - i dont even want to write this.....UPDATE
but i know i should
i sort of know that im not doing so well right now
but its very nice to pretend otherwise
and sometimes i cant tell the difference between pretending and not
talk about confusing
i cant control any of my impulses when i want to do things, when i want to si or when i have to purge
i just do it
yeah and my number of safe foods has shrunk dramatically oh joy.....
i am just so confused
i cant stand being around my friends and having to talk to them
it takes me a week to halfheartedly return calls, i give ridiculous excuses for why i cant go out- pretty soon i wont have any friends left i can see that but i just dont care
and i know that isnt how i used to think
but i dont know what i am doing anymore
i feel like i paused my life and didnt press play again and now it has started without me but i am still on pause
i quit counselling, my first go at it, (the lady was a total crap fraud b1tch though so it was more than warranted i mean seriously evil), a few months ago and i know that i should try it again
i mean i know that i should go again but i dont KNOW it?
she was just seriously awful though and how am i supposed to find another?
but i am terrified of doctors - stupid phobia i could have for any number of reasons, partly that they are just creepy and partly that they might see my scars/cuts/whatever
i dont know what the point of writing this was supposed to be..... if i read this and it was another person's post i would say be strong, the docs have seen it all before and in their profession they dont judge, just make an appt and be strong and go and tell them
HA like that is going to happen
because i am pretty sure that i hate and disgust myself
and i was an undergrad psych major so i know enough to be able to say that nobody can help you if you dont want help
and i am pretty much convinced that i dont want help even though i know i should want it, or maybe i havent made up my mind and i am scared?
crap i just dont know
I'm sorry I don't really have anything helpful to say either, I just wanted to show my support for you. You don't have to show the doctor your scars to get help, just go, wearing whatever you like and tell them what you said here about not wanting to go out or do anything. I don't know if you have been diagnosed or anything, but to me that sounds like depression and if you explain how you have been feeling, they might be able to help you.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
thanks so much for your replies you guys
im just really terrified of all of this
i think i want help, or at least an impartial and smart person to talk to sometimes who can at least keep me in check or keep tabs on me or something in case i get really bad or whatever..... i dunno i just want a life and i dont think ive had that since i was little - this whole mess started when i was barely preteen
ohmagosh you guys i am just so so scared :( how do i do this? can somebody do it for me or something?
for pete's sake what the hell am i supposed to do - ring up my doctor's practice and say "i cut myself, can i see a psychologist now please?"
this is just like so ridiculous
sometimes it makes me laugh
Hey there chica,
I'm sorry things are so rough these days. I was wondering how things were going for you.
I'm sorry, I don't have any advice...and flowery words...as a matter of fact I don't have much of anything at the moment...
I just wanted you to know that I read, I'm sorry, and I love you.
Much love and many snuggles
Your twin :)
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
thanks alyssa
yeah i dont know
today is not going to be a good day i can tell
i guess this is a long time coming or something but i dont feel good today
i dont feel safe
i dont like this
Oh sweetie
I'm sorry you're feeling that way... I hope that's all it is...a bad feeling, and that today goes by without incident.
Most of all remember these three things:
I think you are wonderful
You are a strong and determined woman
And you CAN do this...you CAN make it through anything.
Remember you can email/pm me any time...I'll try my best to respond promptly.
Much much love, and many snuggles
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
oh alyssa
thanks so much
i probably shouldnt say this though because people will think i am an insensitive bitch, but most of the time when i find myself telling people on here in threads how strong they are and how strong we all are, i think i do it because it seems like a good thing to say
how am i strong? how is any of this strong?
other people yes, people who actually have something to fight
how did i get like this though? what happened to me that warrants my doing this? other than that i just repulse myself but you would think that after 23 years i could have gotten over that by now and become a nun or something useful to society
i am a drain on society
i contribute nothing
i had a job where i did and i quit it because i was too damn selfish to look after other people and instead thought that i should just look after myself
what is even wrong with me, other than that i am incredibly self-indulgent and useless
what am i doing? where am i even going?
strong isnt a girl who is too afraid and too crap to get another real job, to go to grad school, who hides from people and avoids phone calls like the plague
and who is too afraid to stop cutting and burning herself and start controlling what she eats so she doesnt have to puke it all up
i so havent been strong today
and i dont even care anymore
i think i forgot what i was supposed to be fighting for
*snuggles you*
Callie.....you contribute so much more than you know.
and yes, strength is making the right choice for yourself!!!!
i was going to say more and my mind just lost it all.
find me on msn will ya?
its been ages since we've spoken.
love you.
xxxxxx
Oh hunni...
You know, if all of those things mean you aren't strong...then none og us here are strong...not one of us. We all have problems. We are all here because we currently SH or have in the past. It seems to me that all of the issues we have here can contribute to the feeling that one needs to isolate ones self from everyone else...to behave 'selfishly' (is it really 'selfish' or is it actually 'taking care of yourself'-which is actually ok-?)...
As to what happened to you to warrent this behavior... I've heard this from you before and hunni, my answer is always going to be the same... It doesn't matter. Whether you've had the 'worst' life experiences every or the 'perfect' life thus far... You're a psychology person...you know that there doesn't necessarily have to be past abuse or anything like that for stuff like this to occure. It's certainly more common yes, but not a requirement. Don't compare your experiences to others and then discount them. They are real and valid because they are yours...because they effect YOU adversly.
Please take care hunni.
Much much love
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
*hugs you*
You and just about everyone else here...probably why they tell us there's something wrong with our minds :s
Love you sweetie
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
i know youre right very perceptive sweetie
i have been so stressed out lately - i dont know not stressed/anxious so much as like dreading like when you know something is coming, one specific thing, and you dread it
i know that i need help
i think i want it
mostly i just feel like i have to like i should prepare and buy some bottled water and batteries and ramen soup
but i dont know how to make it come
because im not very motivated i guess
i never thought you could want something and not want it at the same time
but i know that i am escalating or something and that it could easily get out of control and apparently that is not acceptable
Well hunni, usually out of control isn't any good for you... Out of control can mean real damage to your body, to your mental health, to your relationships...
Please keep talking it out sweetie, it might help.
Much love to you
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
thanks Rowie
that did uplift me a little bit i think
you guys always know the right things to say
probably if i was looking at myself with another person's eyes i would agree with you and with everybody but i think i must not be explaining myself adequately because lately i cannot help but think that i have been so incredibly selfish and useless
there were so many turns that i took in the last year that i apparently turned wrong and i am such like a drain on society
and i feel like there is no point in trying to be safe anymore
and i even wonder if i could call myself depressed - nobody ever diagnosed me and i dont think i have a lot of the symptoms so you see i really am just a selfish and self-indulgent person deep down
i think i am just really skilled at masking myself
i should have gone into acting i would be perfect
