Here I am again....

little_secrets · 30-07-2015, 03:49 PM

I am self destructing... again. And again, and again. How do I make this stop? Here I am, 41 years old and I'm still doing this to myself. I started at 17, I've had 5 years in full recovery which I blew apart a little over a year ago. I am so self destrutive and I have no one to talk to. I work in a field that would not understand, my husband gets so upset when I hurt myself that it stresses me out even more so I hide it from him. I've SH'd over the past 3 days, he'll be home this weekend from business and I'm trying to figure out how to keep him from seeing. I'm not sleeping, not eating, I'm drinking too much and am easily triggered. I appear high functioning to everyone around me and I'm crumbling inside. I'm not an active member like I was around 2007 or so, seems like I come here for a little support and then leave when I get confident. I really need to be somewhere that everyone understands where I am. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to feel better. I do know that I am really tired of being me.
Thanks for reading....

unfocusedaimee · 30-07-2015, 10:27 PM

I'm new back in the Vets corner but if you want to message me I am going ot be up for a little while yet. May not be much support but just know I am here if you want to chat.

Is there any way you can seek support in real life as a couple so that you can both rely on others if that makes sense.

x

ThrashUnreal · 02-08-2015, 03:50 AM

Hey there secrets,

I hear what you're saying. It seems like those crumbling feelings can sneak up on you all the time. I always say recovery is a process, not a goal. It goes on forever. I think what's most important is to learn what worked for us the last time it happened, so we can get over the humps faster. You are seeking a place of support, which is an amazing start. I do feel, though, that keeping it in and keeping those feelings solitary is dangerous. You may not be comfortable speaking to your husband, and that's entirely up to you, but I do think it's important to find someone to speak a loud about the feelings to. Getting that validation is so important. You're definitely on the right track by even looking for support here.

-Thrash

little_secrets · 04-08-2015, 04:37 AM

I am so sorry for taking so long to check back in. Our weekend was very busy, which was good because it kept me distracted. School started for my daughter today, another distraction. I know it seems either odd or maybe even selfish to avoid sharing this part of me with my husband. We've been married a long time and he does know that I have had issues with SH. It's more of an issue for me, I think, because he reacts in a way that makes me feel judged and like he can barely look at me the same way. i know he doesn't understand this urge or the thoughts that come with it. He really just wants me to stop, cannot understand why I don't. His family life growing up was very different than mine. Depression is not something he grew up with. Honestly, he is a good man. He just doesn't understand that his reaction hurts. I am still very triggered right now though the urges have calmed down some. I'm still self destructive and not in the bear dean of mind, but the fog is lifting. I've played with the idea of seeing a therapist for a while now. I always find very convenient excuses not to go. I need to put more than thought into that. I don't know if I'll ever completely stop doing what I do, but maybe I can at least learn better ways to deal with the strong emotions that are my biggest trigger.