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I got discharged on Wednesday so I've been at home for a couple of days now. I'm really struggling with dissociation, flashbacks, food and wanting to self harm. The team at the supported living are good, or I've been told they are good, but everyone is knew and trying to talk to like 6 new people when everything is so stressful and overwhelming as it is is difficult. None of them have any knowledge of dissociation and flashbacks, they all seem thoroughly confused about how to help me and I'm trying to clearly explain what's going on but half the time I don't know myself so trying to tell a professional how to do their job is too much for me. The whole ****ing nature of dissociation is that you are unaware. That's the point. How am I meant to be be aware of something that is not conscious and then communicate it clearly to everyone around me?!
HTT came today and I was dissociated. There was a man in the room. They got very annoyed with me, the nurse flat out said that it was 'really frustrating' and that I needed to 'take responsibility' to not be dissociated. If I knew how to stop flashbacks and dissociation then I would have ****ing done it already. Because being raped over and over is clearly lots of fun. To me it's real, it's not a flashback. I can physically feel him on me and I can see the room and him. They said that I needed to just 'ask for help'. I tried to explain that if I'm in 2007 then Leeds 2015 doesn't exist. I forget that services are there, I forget everything. And if I did remember I wouldn't know what to say to them because I don't ****ing understand what's happening myself. I don't know what my triggers are. I'm out of it to a greater or lesser extent all the time. I don't have awareness of how I am beforehand, I just wake up somewhere. I want to work on it but I don't know how. Aren't they meant to have knowledge and advice around this?
Food is extremely difficult. A member of staff told me I look 'healthy' yesterday and said 'I would never have guessed you had any problems with food' which was just lovely for my messed up brain. All the staff members are new and have never met me before so they are taking my appearance at face value when I was a lot heavier before I'd lost a chunk of weight. I don't have a clue how to manage my diet or if I should be eating at all. Nobody involved (staff here or HTT) has any knowledge of this stuff, I don't qualify for specialist help and I'm obviously too fat for anyone to get a **** anyway. I'm giving up trying to talk to any professionals about food because they can't help.
I want to overdose. Just to get a break from everything. I have medication here. It's sedating medication which would be great but I overdosed on this before and stopped breathing so it's dangerous.
I missed a bunch of medical appointments whilst I was in hospital, I've got all this moving house stuff to sort, I have things like the internship I was meant to be doing and my degree to start thinking about, there are friends I've neglected over the last few weeks. But I'm struggling to just consume something, be conscious and able to interact with anyone socially, take medication, look after my skin, all the basics. I got a scary letter from cardiology about my heart which completely freaked me out. I missed an appointment with them.
Sorry this was long and a massive rant. Just really struggling. I've just spent the last two months trying to talk to dozens of different professionals about dissociation when I haven't had a clue what's going on myself and I've reached my limit. I can't face another team, more new people who have zero knowledge of this stuff and don't know how to help and need me to tell them exactly what to do when I don't ****ing know. I can't manage myself and everyone at the same time. I just can't do it.
Last edited by when.will.it.end : 02-08-2015 at 05:52 PM.
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