I don't even know

[Anne with an e]

Does anyone ever just feel … ?

Yeah, I don’t know what. Guess that isn’t much of a question. I know “should”s are unhelpful, but I really should be functioning better than I am. I am so fortunate. My family is loving and supportive, my best friend is living with us for the summer, I live in a beautiful place and have lots of freedom … basically, my life has no holes.

Except for me. I guess I’m the hole. I seem unable to make myself do anything. I like drawing and reading and hiking and music, but unless someone asks me to do something with them, which I do out of guilt, I stay in bed and do nothing.

I’m on meds for depression and I’ve seen various doctors and counsellors in the past. I used to be somewhat suicidal, but since then no one’s been all that worried about me. It’s been two months, a week, and four days since the last time I cut, but it’s getting harder to stay clean.

I don’t know what I’m looking for. Maybe just someone to say, “I hear you”, because I don’t feel able to talk about this stuff with the people around me, so I feel quite unheard. (Duh, right? I’m not saying it makes sense :P)

I feel guilty for doing so little to take care of myself, but even though I know it’s not true, everything feels so futile. It’s hard to scrape together the motivation for anything.

I don’t know if this post should have been on the self-injury forum instead … I feel like it’s kind of both. Anyway, sorry if this is the wrong place for it.

[jakratchet12]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way but I guess I just wanted to say I completely understand and in your words I hear you haha, but seriously I understand what that's like. I mean I completely understand not being motivated and just staying in bed doing nothing. I don't know if that really helps but I guess I just wanted you to know that I understand that feeling and I'm not sure I'll be much help but you can talk to me if you want if that'll help. I don't know, I am glad you've gone that long without cutting though I understand its hard but you should keep that up staying clean and all. :)

[talaiporia]

I sounds like maybe the word you're looking for is 'empty' and that must be a difficult feeling. Do you find anything helps with that feeling?

[Anne with an e]

Thanks for the replies :)

"Empty" might be the right word. I think it's hard to distinguish because I feel so guilty, which can lead to a mild, chronic sort of panicky feeling. But, yes, "empty" is a word I've often used to describe myself.

I'm not sure exactly what things help, but last night I was on the verge of relapsing and digging out my blade, and instead I grabbed a pen and wrote, "I am safe" on my leg. I've read that drawing or writing on yourself can be a good method to deal with urges when they hit, but I thought it was really gimmicky until I tried it. I was able to go to sleep and I woke up this morning feeling a lot better.

Speaking more generally, though, if anyone has any suggestions for how to combat emptiness before the urges get really strong, I'd love to hear them!