Weird feelings about my brother's relationship.

PoppyLove · 08-07-2015, 01:43 AM

This may be a strange post. I went back and forth on putting it out there, but I honestly don't know why I feel the way I do, so I figured I'd see if anyone else felt the same way.

I am 23 and I have a twin brother. He's in grad school; I'm working on my second degree (and hoping to 'find' myself and what I want to do). So we're both in the process of "growing up". We both still live at home while we're going to school, mainly to save money. We grew up on a farm somewhat far away from other friends, so I guess we used to be close because we really only had each other to hang out with.

Anyway, we're different people so we've always had our differences. Yet, even though we didn't do everything together I always considered him to be somewhat my friend as well as my brother. I used to be able to convince him to go hiking or kayaking with me, among other things I thought were fun.

But, I guess I digress. In high school he started dating more and did things that were really hurtful to me. He stopped caring what I thought. The most disappointing was when we had our graduation parties; we had them separately on different weekends with groups of our friends. I went early to his and helped set it up, stayed throughout (even as my friends left), and stayed to help clean up. When I had mine, he was with his girlfriend, who was younger, hopping around to other parties. He finally showed up after everyone else had left, and signed my picture with some really stupid saying, and then left again. My mother was angry; my father just said he was a guy and wanted to be with his girl. But it really hurt.

College was generally fine, but I lived for a few years with my friends so I didn't care much about what he did. Last year he got his first serious college girlfriend. I liked her and she always included me in things, but he thought she was too outgoing and social so they broke up. He's now dating another young woman.

Thing is, I actually like his current girlfriend. She's pretty nice to my dog (which is important to me) and I think we have similar humor styles. It's just that she's not as outgoing. Normally that would be fine, but all they do is hang out with just each other (and sometimes her friends, but she's from farther away so I don't know how much that happens). I try to be friendly but I'm on the shier side so carrying a one-sided conversation is hard for me. For the 4th of July, they went to watch the town fireworks together and I was with my friends, but our groups ended up being near each other. When I was passing their group - which consisted of my brother, his girlfriend, and a bunch of guys we went to high school with - with my friends, we stopped and said hi. I tried to introduce my friends to her but I guess she didn't see us because she just messed with her phone and didn't look up. My brother didn't try to help, either, so we just moved on. Later I asked if he could pick me up afterward and he refused (no idea why, he was going home too) so I ended up calling my parents and had them drive me home.

I never wanted to be a third wheel, but I guess when I pictured my brother dating I imagined being at least somewhat friends with his girlfriend. I didn't imagine going on all their dates or anything, but I also didn't think I'd be so totally written out. When they do little things like run to the gas station nearby for ice cream, if I ask to tag along it's as if I asked to tag along on an intimate, romantic date.

Is this weird? Are my feelings valid at all? Both of my parents have somewhat strained relationships with their siblings, and I always thought that at least we'd have the kind of relationship where we'd respect the other and remain friendly, but it feels like I'm losing that which makes me feel really sad.

I guess, though, FWIW, my brother tends to think he's very intelligent and right in all situations (life just tends to come easily to him) and it's fair to say he doesn't always respect my thoughts or opinions in general, girlfriend or no girlfriend.

My father says that I should just date myself; I'd love to, but right now in my life I have major self-esteem issues so it's really hard to put myself out there in that way.

Well, thanks for listening/reading my rant.

If you have any tips/experiences to share, it would be helpful!

Pi.R^2 · 12-07-2015, 11:37 AM

I'm afraid I don't really know what to suggest, as it's hard to control what someone else does, particularly if they always think they're right! Could you talk to him about this and be really clear that you don't want to third wheel in their relationship or join in with everything they do, but that you do wish you could hang out with them both occasionally? Or, you could just invite them both out for dinner or to some sort of event, so they know that you're keen to hang out with them and so that you have a chance to get to know this girlfriend a bit better.

PoppyLove · 18-08-2015, 09:01 PM

Well, my brother informed me today that he plans to propose to his girlfriend next summer.

Part of my reaction to this is just selfish; I'm going to lose him. Our relationship isn't perfect, far from it, but I keep thinking about all the things we used to do, like hiking on our vacations or whatever, and how I'm going to have to do all those things alone now. I'm sure it comes across as really odd, but maybe I feel more possessive of him since he's my twin?

Also, I really don't see him as ready for that kind of step. He's a student; he's only ever lived away from home once and he hated it and was very emotional/anxious about it. I told him that maybe it would be a good idea for him to be on his own a bit, still dating her but living alone, taking on more responsibilities, getting to know himself as a person before he made such a huge leap. But he's sure that he's sure. I just have a bad feeling about it.

I want him to be happy, but I can't shake these emotions. I feel silly to feel this way, yet I do. We're getting older, moving on is what has to be done I guess.

88shelz · 19-08-2015, 10:28 AM

First of you can only control your own thoughts and actions. Not your brothers.
looking at this from a distance I can understand how upsetting and abandoned you must be feeling. It has always been the two of you. Someone else thrown into that equation offsets the balance. Your brother now has to factor the girlfriend into the equation and in doing so has maybe pushed you too far out of the equation. I don't think he will be doing this intentionally. The girlfriend could be feeling slightly anxious towards your brother being a twin in case she doesn't get the attention that she feels as a girlfriend she is entitled to hence being s little cold towards you. This to could be unintentional. paths seem to have drifted while at college for you you both. Separate lives for the most part which he seems to have fallen into with ease and I think maybe you did too and now that you are both back you have expected the relationship to be right back where it was before college. The truth is though that twins or not life does choose different paths for people. it won't pick back up where left up. Where are your friends from college? Why has the life you led while at college stopped or changed??

I would advice you to ask your brother for some time one to one just to catch up. Explain your feelings in that one to one time and also make it clear that you do want to be part of his life and would ,I've to get to know his partner better if that's what you want. Honestly though, if the situation was reversed would you really be wanting your brother to be hanging around with you all of the time?woukd you be thinking that he would be wanting you to be around all the time?

Salazar · 19-08-2015, 11:11 PM

I think it's entirely understandable the way you feel.

It sounds as though your brother wants to become more independent from you and the rest of your family (i.e your parents) - and I guess that's part of the growing up you talk about.

While I think that may be the case, it doesn't follow that he should necessarily exclude you to the extent that he has done, but it's possible that if he hasn't been seeing this girl for a long time then he could just be wanting to spend as much time alone with her as possible.

You have spent your entire lives together, so I guess it's understandable if he wants to move away from the almost inseparable (if indeed that is the kind of relationship you had with him) relationship you have.

There's no doubt that it is always difficult when you feel you're losing someone you care about, I've experienced it with friends, but when it comes to siblings it can of course be even more painful.

It seems as though your brother is very strong willed and that may also play a part in the way he is behaving, but it could just simply be that he is blinded by his feelings to realise how it makes you feel.

He has someone he can emotionally attach himself to, while you are left without someone (in that you are emotionally attached to him, but he seems to be focused entirely on his girlfriend). So you're potentially feeling the loss more as he has someone else in his life as well as you who he is very very close to. I hope that makes some sort of sense.

My advice would be to try to explain how you feel about your relationship with him. But without trying to get to deep to begin with, just explain that you care about him and you miss hanging out with him/want to get to know his girlfriend and spend time with them both now and again but not all the time. I have no idea how he would react, but to me, it seems that unless you bring it up, it will only become harder over time.

Hopefully you can find a solution

Edit: Seeing your other post. I think you may have to accept the possibility that things such as hiking vacations etc are unlikely to happen anymore, and I can understand why that would be. You're both moving into a different stage of your life and your relationships will change as you get older and start working etc as well. That's not to say you can't still be close, but it just means it's likely to be in a different way.

It's not silly, and it doesn't necessarily make you selfish to feel the way you do. If you were to try to stop him living his life the way he wants to then perhaps it would be selfish, but for now I don't think you're doing that, you're just expressing your feelings and thoughts, and hoping he will see that maybe you've been pushed too far to one side. Ultimately, I think there is a compromise here, but it's whether that's something you feel you'll be able to accept (which if you can't I could understand given he is your twin brother) or indeed, he is able to accept.

PoppyLove · 20-08-2015, 12:05 AM

Thanks for your answer :)

I really do think it is possible he could be "blinded by his feelings"...they haven't been dating very long and it honestly reminds me of when we were graduating from high school and he was 'seeing' a girl; he didn't show up at all to my graduation party (which left me feeling very hurt) and then was devastated when she ended up ending the relationship. He falls hard and fast, I think.

I know we're growing up and apart, and that it's natural. I guess, though, when I imagined him dating women and getting serious that there would be some sort of friendship that would form between me and her. Not that we had to be best friends or anything, but some sort of positive, friendly relationship like I have with my best friends' boyfriends... it feels less like I'm losing them because their boyfriends are always very nice and friendly toward me.

With her, though, I feel extra excluded. When she comes to my house, she won't carry on any sort of conversation with me, even when I'm carrying most of it. They do things like sit on the couch when the entire family is in the room, and will only speak in hushed tones to each other, even though you can still hear what they're saying and it's not private (it's usually jokes or comments on what is going on on the TV). And of course there was the incident I mentioned where she snubbed me and one of my friends.

I guess I just don't feel good about the relationship as a whole and don't want him to get hurt, and I never expected to be so totally written off.

But, I have a lot going on right now emotionally and that's not helping either.

Pi.R^2 · 22-08-2015, 10:58 AM

It sounds like your brother is unlikely to change his mind about wanting to marry her, so you may have to step back and let him make his own choices (and potentially mistakes!) here. You could use this as an opportunity to discuss your relationship with him and his girlfriend- you could say that since it seems like she'll be part of the family now, you want to get to know her better? Maybe the three of you could go out to dinner, or the whole family could do something that includes her? You could also mention to him that you feel a bit left out, as they could be completely oblivious to the fact that they're coming across in a way that makes you feel excluded.