I'm sick and tired of depression coming back into my life. I missed an interview for voluntary work this morning bc I couldn't move from out of bed. I managed to watch Netflix a whole and come out for coffee. He forgot the vanilla, I'm feeling too crap to remind him.
I feel like I'm in sludge. Every movement is massive effort, and every movement is so very slow. Thinking is slow, and even at sometimes absent or detached. Fuzz is taking the place of my usual musings. I don't want to move and keep thinking silly thoughts r.e. Doing stupid things that would hurt me and I don't know why. I think they won't hurt me, but KNOW it will if that makes sense.
Idont want to do anything stupid to hurt myself. I will lose out on exercising which helps.
I cancelled climbing (which I love normally) bc I don't want to be around people who might, god forbid, want a conversation with me.
I just want to snuggle in my hoody with my hood up and pretend no one else exists.
I'm sat in costa colouring. Feels like an achievement.
I had a nice weekend but it feels so far away alreay, like the memory of another person or life.
10 years now. For 10 years mh problems have been the dominating backing track to my shithole life.
Ugh. FML.
Just saw a girl smiling and laughing. I want to wipe it off her face bc I don't want to see anyone happy or smiling bc I can't feel that. I'm jealous.
Depression is horrible. Please remember this won't last forever, and whatever you can do to fight it (even if it is just being out in a coffee shop) is a real achievement. Sending you hugs.
thanks. I spoke to my friend (ex-gf) she convinced me to phone my cc tomorrow if i'm still feeling crappy because it has been building gradually over time and I'm currently able to say, "**** be going down"
bc when i get too bad, she said I stop seeing it, and start believing it. I guess she's right. I didn't even think of it like that.
And I have a plan for stuff to do tomorrow that isn't too difficult, but is alone, so hopefully will be manageable. I really don't want to be around anyone right now.
I've been putting off phoning my cc because for some reason i feel embarrassed that i'm struggling, and like i should hide it from the world. (which i feel i have been doing a pretty good darn job of might i add)
^^^ is that healthy?
I don't know. I don't want people knowing I'm depressed again.
Please feel free to nag/shout at me if tomorrow i haven't phoned my cc bc I've been putting it off for weeks for some reason. xx
Your CC is there for if you struggle!! It is nothing to be ashamed of an she wont judge you in any way. The longer you go without reaching out, the harder it will be. These things happen, you're allowed down days and support for when things get tough.
thanks. I phoned in this morning but she wasn't there. They said they'd get her to phone me back but she hasn't yet.
Which is fine because i've been in bed all day anyway. I missed my favourite garden cooking session but I just couldn't face it today :(
She phoned back today I missed it. I guess I'll call tomorrow morning again.
I'm getting stupid thoughts at the moment and its a bit difficult and unhelpful.
I have very much detached from my feelings for most of the days lately, which is helpful in the short term, but sometimes leads to a massive dissociative crisis where everything I've been ignoring comes out in full force like emotional and mental crisis vomit. - and I don't want that to happen but I don't know what else I can do.
Still this. I dunno what I want. Just some support maybe.
I've started spacing out (yeah great way to deal with it right) but it just happens. Like at climbing last night, I realised I didn't have my harness on, nor my shoes, and had no recollection of taking them off or where'd id put them. I found it all in the end, but that whole looking down and being like, wtf, where's all my gear gone? I mean climbing shoes and a harness hardly just fall off. They're secure as anything when on.
I feel very vacant lately, but I am managing to sleep less and of better quality at least. I feel very much in my own world, and when I'm not, I'm extremely anxious, so much I want to cry sometimes.
And my thoughts, they're scary and dark, and disturbing and just coming and coming and coming and not stopping- I just want them to stop already. But then if I'm not having these thoughts intrude in my mind I am just operating fuzz, like I've gone entirely dumb for a while
And trauma **** from when I was young keeps coming in my mind, like, why am I thinking about this stuff? Why aw always thinking of this stuff, and why can't I just leave it and move on. What?.??
Things are really difficult right now, and I don't want to worry people in my real life, or rely on them all the time. I want to deal with it on my own, but right now, that's so hard.
It is commendable that you want to be able to manage this on your own but sometimes reaching out to them at the start that can give you the helping hand to manage as you start to come out of it on your own.
The thoughts sound hard to deal with, this may sound a bit odd but when I am being plagued by unwanted thoughts I try to find a bit of time in the day when I don't try and block them. Sometimes I find that they just want to be heard, it tends to work best when there is an end point when I can go back to distracting again like whilst I'm doing the washing up or go for a short walk.
I find when I am depressed my mind will drag up all and any unhappy memories which can be hard to handle. Have you spoke to anyone about what happened when you were young?
My cc phoned me back when I had already reached the "too anxious for the phone and anything out of my comfort zone" point. But I am seeing her tomorrow.
I had therapy and have spoken about it, but it still bothers me. I think it's like you said about depression dragging up unhappy memories. And it's the summer holidays so I'm seeing all these kids getting to be kids, when I was an adult from 10/11 pretty much.
And my dad emailed me asking to see him, as if. And I'm seeing mum next week, and I've forgiven her, but it's all in my mind and it's making me want to withdraw from her which makes me sad because i was so happy she finally decided to try and be a mum to me.
I think the email from my dad triggered some memories because he'll be with his bitch girlfriends and her son who gets everything father like from my dad that I never got. I just got ****ing verbal and emotional abuse.
And I've been thinking about working and how ****ing hard it is for me, because people at climbing talk about work because they have jobs like normal people and it makes me feel like a failure that I struggle so much with working because of what happened to me-
I've tried letting my thoughts be when I went on a walk earlier to Costa and I nearly wound up crying, and I've started wishing for a youth I never got to have, and that's not something you can get back. And then I started thinking about just killing myself because I feel so sad, and I know I should be focusing on now and the future. But it all feels futile and hopeless.
Like how am I gonna work again without working on these issues. When I did schema therapy we focused on when I was really little 4-10 which was bad (violence and general neglect) but it wasn't as bad because I got to go to child minders and my grandparents' house. It was when I stayed home everything got worse. And we never worked on that so much. I feel like one round of 18 months wasn't long enough. I feel like I need two rounds. One more go at that to work through everything else. All the stuff I didn't mention.
And now I'm crying because all those stupid thoughts are in my head and not leaving.
And my cat keeps crying and I don't know why. I'm struggling to cope with it. I don't feel like I can look after him properly right now and I feel awful for that.
Sorry you're struggling with so much right now. It sounds like you're going through a real grieving process and have a sense of regret about the past. Those are horrid feelings to cope with and I can understand why you feel you need more therapy. Is having ongoing schema therapy an option?
I don't know. I could ask. I doubt it. I don't think many therapists in each trust do it because it's quite specialist, and they might not think it appropriate to work with my old therapist because of attachment stuff I guess.
I wish I could have another 18 months with her, she's was so easy to talk to, and so trustworthy and calming.
I feel so flat line today. I don't even feel real, I feel like my body is mechanical, like a robot which is why I'm devoid of emotions and feelings, and I can only take input and making much output where I have to think is pretty impossible.
