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Paranoia? ...and stuff
I'm guessing there is something wrong with me, or maybe some of these problems are just me being paranoid.... or I'm right, but I really hope I'm not right about any of this.
I believe that people can hear my thoughts just by me looking at or touching them. I know that's not rational or logical, it just can't be true. But... that doesn't stop me from looking away from people or moving back so they wont be able to touch me. The thing is, I'm a normally very logical person. Even so, I've felt this way for... I don't even know how long but I think I was in my teens. I'm 28 now.
When I was around the age of 10, I woke up and saw a very strange green light coming from my parents bedroom, after that I believed my parents had been abducted by aliens and replaced with imposters. I don't believe that anymore, though. I think the only thing that kept me from freaking out about it was the lack of any proof. But some things seemed different about them after the green light, like small changes in my parents behavior and memory. It was probably just a dream and my imagination and/or paranoia got the better of me. But like I said, I don't believe it to be true anymore, I just felt I should mention it for full disclosure.
Ever since I was a kid and to varying degrees in recent years, I've believed that this world was designed just to **** with me. More on that later.
It was probably about a month ago that I remembered that I once promised myself I would never forget these things. I was scared that I'd grow up and stop believing that stuff... because then "they" would win. Whoever they are. And I hadn't thought about the whole parents being aliens thing in a long, long time. But as soon as I remembered, I felt uneasy and unsure of myself, even though I don't believe it to be true anymore and haven't for a long time.
I spin around sometimes because I feel like there's this sort of rope that will tangle around me if I don't. I do it other times too but I mostly do it when I've had to do something that turned me around and I don't think it's something that I should have had to do, or something that just wasn't supposed to happen. Why wasn't it supposed to happen? Generally it's because I still feel like something or someone is working against me. Almost like they're watching me and making bad things happen. But some times I just do it because it feels like just need to untangle myself.
I almost don't want to mention this next thing because I fear it'll change what you think about everything I've said up to this point. But there's no point in doing this if I'm going to hold anything back, right? I have Asperger's Syndrome, which I know probably explains why I feel so out of place in this world. Perhaps that lead to the feeling of only being here for someone elses amusement, as they do things to **** up my life and watch me squirm. Because having AS makes you feel like you don't belong. But on the other hand, what if I'm right about all of this? Or even just some of it. And it wouldn't explain everything, anyway.
I never talk about this stuff to anyone (excluding Asperger's, most people I know, know I have that). I know how it sounds, which is part of the reason that I don't talk about it, the other is the lack of trust I have toward anyone. Maybe I should tell someone and get some help. Fearing that people can read my mind and not being able to really trust anyone really, really sucks. And the rope thing is just weird...
But then.... if I'm right about any of this, getting "help" could be the worst thing I could do. I've always felt like I'm in a constant battle. Like, if I give in and try to deal with these issues as if it's all just in my head, then they win. What happens if they win? I have no idea. But for anyone to go to these lengths, it's probably not good, at least for me. Plus, I also don't like giving up and if I can beat them at their own game, then that would be fantastic. Although, I don't know how I'm supposed to win. Maybe the best I can hope for is a draw. And it's not like I think I'm someone special, like a hero who can save the world or anything like that.
Even now, I'm thinking to myself how it must be all in my head... but I can't believe that. I can't afford to. Like, there's too much at stake. It's just too risky.
I don't know if I can trust anyone enough to share this stuff with them... and even worse, I don't know if I can trust myself to make the right decision of whether or not to tell anyone or do anything about these things. I can't even promise I'll take anything that people here might say seriously. The very fact that I'm telling anyone this, even anonymously online, is huge. I just don't know if it's huge good, or huge bad. But **** it. Either they're winning, or I'm on the road to something good. I almost don't care anymore. But at least it's not like I'm making any major life altering decisions right now. Or maybe I am and this is it. I guess I'll find out.
Thanks for reading.
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